Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm Baaaackkkk!!!!

Yes, I've been gone a long time, nearly 3 months! So much has happened in that 3 months too. First, I think Im finally settling down and getting used to being single. That was rough!! I felt like a total outsider, an undesirable, etc. But Im getting into the swing of it. And I'm learning that being single has its benefits. I can come and go as I please, no one telling me what to do, etc. I get to watch what I want on the TV, eat what I want, clean when I want to (love having it clean!), not pick up after everyone else. That being still has its rough can be lonely...

OK...what else....ohhhh, this is the shocker....the ex wants me back. Hmmmm...not so sure about that. We have been talking. He admits to being an ASS! He appears to be trying to change. The thing is, I think there's way to much water under the bridge for us. I'm happy that he is working on himself. But at the same time, Im working on myself and I still think we are in two seperate places now. The wonderful thing is, is that he is making amends with his kids. He has really reached out to them. So Im extremely happy about that.

I like living in Minnesota. It feels like home. It will feel even more like home when Im able to find my own place. Im very grateful to be staying here in one one my folks homes...but its not mine. I want MY place. So Im working towards that. Once I no longer have to pay child support and the money starts coming in from the military retirement (yes, thats been a battle...have a crummy lawyer who requested things wrong and its just now straightening hopefully soon) I will look for my own place. Guess I'll rent first, but eventually would like to buy.

I am thinking about my job too. Love my job, but feel disconnected to those in the office. Plus, as much as I like working form home, its lonely. I need some interaction with people. So Im thinking that I may look for a job out here, one with medical benefits (I need it bad!). Then maybe sell my shares to the company and get out of Texas all together. This is all in the thought process right now.

I will post more later...need to get a few things done and I will be back!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Its been nearly a month since I've posted. Really dont know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I guess its a normal process for anyone at whatever stage of a divorce. All I can say is....IT SUCKS. I dont regret my decision one bit...was the best thing I ever did. And Im sooo glad he, the unfeeling rock, is not in my life anymore. But man...I was not prepared for all the emotions..its a roller coaster ride. I have way too much time on my hands to think. Being alone sucks...being lonely sucks....the quiet sucks....MY LIFE SUCKS!!! The anxiety over just the past few days is so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Here it is August 16th....I havent written much and I feel blah....physically and mentally. Mentally I'll just leave to myself to stew over. Physically I feel like crap. I think I've come down with a virus...maybe the flu...or even worse, strepp. The putz I was married to still hasnt gotten a copy of his DD214 (so he says) so I can turn it into DEERS to see if I have any insurance available to me. WOW I HATE THAT MAN!!!! Im going to have to bite the bullet and go see a doc-in-the-box. Hmmmm, I wonder how much that costs????

Im so blest to be able to stay in my folks empty house. I love it here. And my rent is so affordable and Im greatful for that. Child support is now coming out of my check so I dont have to worry about it getting there on time. Now I just need the military to hurry up and start sending me my portion of the retirement.

IM BROKE!!!!! It amazes me that the one person who was a cheater, liar, horrible man is hardly touched financially with the divorce. I tried my best to make it work (and Im glad it didnt) and Im scrounging. I took care of all the bills, made sure they were on time...etc. Our credit....OUTSTANDING.....and do you think I can get a credit card right now.....NO!!! There's something so wrong with this picture. Ok, Im gonna stop now.....nothing any good ever comes from being angry like this...

Im making homemade split pea soup in the crock pot today...think I'll go back to bed while its simmering and maybe when I wake will be on the right side this time :)

Here is my latest photo. I got my hair cut and colored. Its just a subtle change but enough for me to notice. I have a lot more layers in my hair now so to me it looks fuller. The color was softened up some so I really like it.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

A New Beginning

Im here guys....sorry. I've been doing good but dealing with a few issues...normal stuff I guess. I've been feeling pretty lonely. This house is sooo quiet. I talk to Gizmo (Im in trouble if he answers back!). Work is slowly coming around. Sam has a hard time finding the time to scan it in and send it to me. So some days Ive had nothing to do and have been very bored. Im pretty much settled in...just have my scrap room to unpack.

But last night was the beginning of a new life for me. Yes Im going to tell you all about Way back in the day, there was a group of us from church that hung out together. Maybe 20 or so (yes we were large). Well one of the girls, Nancy, planned a reunion get together. Most of us havent seen each other in 25-26 years. So there was a breakfast yesterday morning.....I did not go. Wasnt sure if anyone would remember me and Im self conscious because of my weight (I was normal back then). So Nancy called me yesterday afternoon and asked where I was and why I didnt come. That everyone was asking about me. Anyway, she coerced me into going to the dinner last night. I will tell you I sat in my car in front of the church building for 10 minutes before having the courage to go inside. WHAT WAS I AFRAID OF!!!! I walked into the building and was I had the best time...Im still smiling. It's funny how people change..there were some I would have never recognized. Others..well there was non stop hugging. One friend that I knew since...gosh, we were 12 yrs old maybe....she's moved back too...when I did. She was telling everyone that her best friend had come back! There were 2 guys there that I had dated. I actually was very nervous to ever see them again. One of them had been my best friend for 4 years, he had wanted to marry me...I just didnt feel the connection you need for a marriage. He's married now and he was there. But all was good. We hugged and talked (his wife was there too), got pictures. And the other guy...he's single again :0) There was an old roomate there and just the whole gang! We brought pictures of our kids...they thought my kids were handsome. I cant wait for the next one.

Tonight I going with a bunch of them to a fireside at church...really excited about that.

That lonely feeling left last night. I feel a connection again to the area and to people. I miss my boys immensly but I will make it now.

I wish all of you a great Sunday. Thanks for being my friends. For being a shoulder to cry on.

I'll post more later

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Has it been that long????

Wow...almost a month since I posted. A lot has happened since then too. Got to Minnesota just fine. My sister and I ended up leaving a few hours after she got to Texas. The movers werent supposed to deliver until the 6th of July..they called and were dropping off three days earlier. WHAT!!!! I was still in Texas. So we left about 3:30 pm and headed for our first resting point...Kansas City, MO. Got there about 12:30 am. We stayed at a Super 8 motel...was real nice and clean. Then drove the rest of the way up to Apple Valley, MN. Pulled in around 5 pm. Had to get up bright and early the next morning to have everything brought in. The movers did a fantastic job! Only one thing was broken. a votive cup. The bad thing about that is that my mom sliced her hand open on it...NOT GOOD! Everything is unpacked except for my scraproom. I am tackling that today.

This week I will go to chruch for the first time since I got here. Im nervous....being new has never been fun for me. I really miss my ward in Burleson Texas. I talked with the relief soctiey president yesterday to get directions to the I HAVE to

The past couple of weeks have been very quiet. I hardly turn the TV on and I talk to Gizmo...hmmmm Im in trouble if he answers back...HAHA!

I think Im going to study and take the national certification test for medical coding. Being certified would be good. Id have something behind me. I may look into a new job here. And keep the other business on the side. I get the feeling of restment from a couple of people at work. I know it takes extra time to get the work to me but if it was put into the daily work would become routine. I feel like Im hitting a brick wall there. I also feel like Im being shut out. They have been so supportive of me in these past 6 months. I have not been there completely and Im very lucky to have had understanding from them. Im here now....settled...and raring to get back to it full swing. But, Im hitting resistance. They have kept working through all of this and I feel like they dont want me there. I hope Im wrong and things mellow out.

I miss Alex terribly. I do talk to him everyday though. He's doing alright but I hate the environment he's in. He says he's okay and he will be busy once school starts. He has the varsity track team, his job, and his girlfriend.

Well Ive gone on long enough for one sitting here. IT time for me to get my day going. Will post more later!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Feeling of Liberation

It's finally come. I feel liberated!! The movers hauled everyhing out on Friday. And they did a good job! (a little plug for Paul Arpin Moving Co.) I was able to leave the house around 4:00 pm, left my keys on the counter and was gone!

Steve had his last little hooray..he took a few items from my china hutch, gifts he has given me that he brought home from Japan. A saki set and some vases. I confronted him and he just said he brought them home so he could take them back. Whatever dude!!! All I can say is whatever goes around, comes around...he isn't worth it

I'm staying at my best friends house for the week. Had to board Gizmo. My sister is coming down to drive back with me. We will have a ball!

Matt went back to Ft. Lewis today. I'm so glad I got to talk and see him. I miss him already.

There's so much say but I don't have time right now. Will write more later.

To all my friends...thank you for being there foe me. I love you guys!!!!

-- Post From My iPhone

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The last week has been eventful. After making the decision to go to Minnesota, all the peices have just been falling into place. I actually started packing a few boxes the other day.

The next biggest hurdle to get over was the informal mediation that was set between Steve & I and our lawyers. This was held yesterday. I was so nervous. I really had no idea what to expect. Once my lawyer got there, Steve and his lawyer came in. Here's what's so funny. Steve's lawyer was so nice (I really liked her) and Steve came in with a chip on his shoulder. I had to bite my lip from cracking up. So anyway, his lawyer presents some items to us that they had discussed and they leave the room so my lawyer and I could talk. Steve made a feeble attempt at having me not pay child support. There's always a catch with him. He wanted me to give up my 1/2 of the military retirement for that year I would have paid child support. NOT happening. that amount was more than the child support....I'll pay the child support. Then he wanted me to give up my portion of the equity in hte home to pay back the investment he made in my company. Once again...NOT happening. He though he could get away with being given the entire amount back. Between my lawyer and his, it was stresses that this was a community property state so 1/2 the money invested was mine. Steve was livid. If looks could kill.....well I died many times. So he had to settle with only 1/2 which left me with a small chunk of equity in the home. So they offered to pay it back to me with more shares in our mutual funds. I accepted because in the long run when those shares start growing will outweigh them piddly ammount of equity I had in the home. Everything else was split 50/50. I had to take a leap of faith ( I felted prompted that this was ok) of theissue of getting my name off the loan for the house. Steve will get a Release of Liability from the VA for me as soon as the divorce is final. If for some reason it falls through then he will go imediately to his lawyer and get a special deed of liability (which I have a copy of in case it needs to be filed with the court). this will protect me in that if he misses one payment on the house I can step in and kick him out. So at the end of the day...I feel mediation was very sucessful. I have to move out of the house no latter that 7/15/09. Wow ..I gotta get in gear!!!! I amd reall happy. I feel like the Lord had his hand in what went on. I feel like I can move on now.

Im so excited to move into my folks Apple Valley home. They have decided to stay in Blaine and I get to use the entire house, decorate, etc. So at least I'll be there a year. Hopefully I'll know what Im dong by then.

Sooo the best part 30 days....IM FREE!!!!!!! Steve's lawyer is filing the final decree on monday and she is preparing the quadro's. She's actually saving me tons of money. And I am sooo thankful for that.

So now I'm getting my self organized and getting all my ducks in a row. it would be ideal for me to move out by 7/1. That's when I have no more responsiblilty in any of the house payments.

Well...I off to enjoy my feeling of freedom and go pick Matt up at the airport!!!!!!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sunday June 7, 2009

Wow! Things sure change in a blink of an eye. I know the decisoin I made to move out and let Alex stay with Steve is right. I knowe this because the Lord has whispered to my soul that Im to go to Minnesota. Im moving back home!!! I feel so much peace. And it's funny because all of a sudden past friends, whom I haven't seen in 26 years, are all crawling out of the woodwork. I didn't first start looking for them.....they found me!! It feels so good to be doing what I know the Lord wants of me. I have no idea why Im to go home..but something is in store for me.

I will come back and finish this posting in a bit. Im off to church. Ohhh pray that my fingers don't feel like hitting any key they want to on the piano...last week was sheer torture....LOL!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Here's the least some of it =)

Ok sooooo, I have made some huge decisions. Some sad, some good. The first decision I had to make was that I had to say goodbye to two internet friends. In the whole scheme of things I had to decide if they brought me up or brought me down. I love them to death and I mourn terribly for them, but in the long run...I am so better off without their influence right now. I had put off doing this for way too long. I know once the pain and the tears subside...I will be ok.

The second decision I made has finally brought peace to my confused core. I have gone back and forth so many times concerning the house. Yes I want I don't want it...maybe I want it...etc. I am NOT keeping the house. I am not going to buy right now either. I am going to rent for at least 6 months while I get my feet back on the ground.

The third decision actually came with prayer...not that the others didn't...but this one was a struggle. However, I know I'm doing the right thing. Alex has said that he wants to stay in the house...I'm going to let he stay with Steve. Steve is coming around and trying to build a better relationship with the boys. I think he will discipline in a right manner than before. Alex is having a rough time right now. He's become very disrepectful to me and is just beligerant. He needs a stronger hand right now. Alex has me too wrapped around his finger and knows I'll cave in (especially when he gets angry). So I talked it over with Steve and now we're going to tell Alex tomorrow.

I now will be the one paying child support. I will always do my share where my kids are concerned. It just seems funny when I make a quarter of what Steve makes and yet I have to pay child support. Steve could support him no problem on his own. I'm not complaining...just think its funny.

I will be able to widen my search area now for a place to live. I want to stay within my Ward boundaries at church but at least it opens the area of looking a bit. So I am at peace with these decisions and I look forward to packing!

The good thing that's going on I will talk about at a later date. But I will say I'm happy because I have finally figured out who I am and that I do have worth to others! Im sure I will have the occassional melt-down, but I will pick myself up and move forward.

Is the Light Finally Visible at the End of the Tunnel...

I don't have time this I am on my way out the door to go to church. This has been a sad but yet an interesting week that leaves me feeling both sorrow and excitiment. I know it makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. I will post later today about least some of it.

Monday, May 4, 2009


I found this thought today and wanted to share:

Listening to your heart, finding out who you are, is not simple. It takes time for the chatter to quiet down. In the silence of "not doing" we begin to know what we feel. If we listen and hear what is being offered, then anything in life can be our guide. Listen.

Today I had someone dear to me say something that really made me stop and think. "You need to remember that you are a someone not a something."

I have felt like a 'something' for so long. For way too long. I started thinking about my life as it was back in my 20's...a good time when I was 'someone' and how good it felt. A time when I was free to be me and was accepted as me. The time before I let someone take over my feelings of self worth. I may have had my own visions of self-doubt but not strong enough to feel like I was only a 'something'.

I have the greatest best friend... my friends at internet buddies...who have all supported me in the never-ending struggle to be acknowledged as someone of worth.

Shame on me for letting one individual bring me down to the point of hopelessness.

Tonight I have renewed faith in myself. I will push forward and fight with all my might to be the 'someone' that I am.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Rudely Awaken...

It's 4:06 am and I'm wide awake Actually I was rudely awoken. We've had lots of storms go through here the last 24 hours and our security system to the house freaked. I woke up to it blarring in my ear. I run down to the key pad (never even stopping to think that maybe someone could've broken in) and enter the code...nothing, alarm still blarring. I try again a few times...nothing...(at this point Gizmo is freaking and Steve & Alex are just starring at me). I call ADT and am on hold for at least 5 minutes with the alarm going off!!! (Really glad we weren't getting broken into). Course they tell me I'll have to unscrew the main plug and pull the wires off the back up battery. Who knows where a screwdriver is at this time of morning So she's walking me through the steps....and the phone dies...(I sense Murphys Law kicking in ) I did manage to get the alarm system turned off. Now I'm awake and can't go back to sleep. I just went to bed a couple of hours ago. I sense a nice long nap in the afternoon.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Wow...yesterday was an eye opener. You think you know someone and then their true colors come out. You show kindness...bend over backwards, just to be spoken to in a very disrespectful way. Leaves me speachless. I think the bridge on that one just got burned. I'm discovering I'm way too believing of people. Will be on my guard from now on.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I'm Really a Fun loving Person...

I know there are a few that read my blog. I'm really not a down in the dumps, depressing individual. I love having fun, laughing, cutting up, being goofy! I hope you understand that I need to write how I feel going through this divorce. Yes, maybe no different than someone else....but they're my feelings, my situations, etc. I need to remember them so it will make me stronger in the future.

I really need to get some sleep. Last night sleep eluded me...I was a mess. I have never cried that hard. I grabbed the pillow and just screamed and sobbed into it. I was an emotional wreck. You know the kind...where you can't catch your breath and you can't breathe. I really glad I'm not suicidal because last night was the lowest I have every felt.

Since I couldn't breath..I got back online and was pleasantly surprised to see my sister Penny online. I haven't chatted with her for a while and it was sooo good to do that. I miss my baby sis!

I was pretty much useless at work today...soooo tired, hard time concentrating, wanting to lay my head back on my chair and rest. Just a few moments..PLEASE..

I don't think I've ever felt this so alone before. The anxiety is overwhelming sometimes. Tonight when it hit...I just sat in my chair and kept telling myself it would pass. I wanted to pick the phone up and call someone...all my friends would listen...but I always stop myself because I don't want to burden anyone or waste their time.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong and can handle anything. It may appear so on the outside..but on the inside, I'm standing on the edge.

Anywho..I so appreciate having this blog to express what I'm feeling. Then to be able to look at it later and see progress, even though there are times I fall back down the hill a bit.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Reality Check

When did I become so gullible? When did I let my guard down? When did I let myself 'feel'...even for a second? These are questions I've asked myself over and over. I need to keep the brick wall up around my's safer that way. So I take a deep breath...hold it...let it out slowly...and start all over again.


I'm sooo stressed right now. I'm ready for this ride to be OVER!!! I have a child who has decided that he doesn't want to live with me..."I stress him out"...go figure, ask him to do any chores or help out with anything and he blows up. He thinks it will be easier to get past his Dad. He has been so disrespectful to me (actually for quite a while now). What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I didn't raise him to be this way...The sad thing is...I'm to the point where...I don't know whether to care anymore.

Tonight I'm on the edge...I want sleep to take head hurts, my brain hurts, my heart hurts, I'm freaking lonely...I want to scream...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Round Two.....Ding

I thought maybe those dark clouds were going away. Alas, they turned right back around and spewed their furry on me last night. I am trying so hard to be nice..and for what?!?!? Steve and I got into a huge dumping conversation on the front lawn last night. No we weren't yelling or even motioning huge with our arms and hands. But I'm sure it was obvious to the neighbors that something was amiss. Did you know that it's all my fault we're going through all of this...WHAT....I had to laugh. It didn't matter that for years I've been trying to get him to go to counceling, that I've told him over and over he needed to work on his relationship with the kids, that he was losing me. How many times when he asked what I wanted, did I tell him...all I want is you. How many times did I give up on my feelings in order to give him what he wanted. Was he a good provider....yes. Was he good at working on a All he thinks about is that fact that he, and only he, worked hard for the money brought into the family. It doesn't matter that I have a pays way less so it doesn't count. It didn't matter that I stayed home to take care of the kids when they were little and ran a daycare in the home to help provied for this family too. Nothing I provided counted because it wasn't as much he he brought in. He's furious because the state says I am to recieve 1/2 of his retirement during the marital years of his military career, 1/2 of all the financial accounts. Was I not part of this martial union...did I not work just as hard? Then he liked rubbing in that I couldn't afford the house on my own. That's when reality set in. I can't afford it on my own. I MAKE NOTHING!!! This really sucks, he can continue living hardly scathed and I will be scrapping. And to top it all off, my lawyer said that with my income I couldn't afford a house, at least the one we're in. The one that I tried to make a home. The one that IS home to myself and Alex. Steve wins again....

I supported Steve through school. He had no credit until we got together, he built his off of mine. It was my idea for him to go back into the military full time, he was only working 2 security part time jobs at the time. Where would we be if I hadn't suggested this. I'm not saying where we are is becasue of me alone...but I did have a part in it. I wasn't useless...I participated...I worked to make a marriage union of two people becoming 'one'. So why is it that I walk away the broken one....

My head hurts...time for a break. I'm heading up to minnesota to spend a week with the family. Seven glorious days of trying not to think about anything but having fun.

I am worth something...aren't I.....

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dark clouds hover above, threatening to unleash their vengeance. Off in the distance, thunder sounds off a warning as the fingers of lightening dance across the sky. The wind howls, blowing any thought of peace and scatters it across the ground. The impending twister flits in and out of the sky looking for it's victim, ready to upheaval any sense of understanding.

This is how I feel right now. I'm so confused and my brain is mash. I'm so messed up. I'm not me right now. I need help....I have my counselor but that's not enough. I'm afraid and I don't want to be alone right now. I pray to my Heavenly Father but I somehow don't feel worthy to be listened to or helped. What has happened to me....I don't understand....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I haven't really felt like it. The last month has been busy with doctors, getting any and all exams I can before I lose my insurance. My mood has been up and down. Right now it seems to be going down. I know it's mind over matter but sometimes it just seems too hard. I've had tears sitting right behind my eyes since about yesterday afternoon. It's almost like a sneeze that won't come but is there.

I want this divorce over with. I'm trying so hard to be Christian like in my thinking towards Steve. But it hard when he's saying that I'm crooked and that I'm a jerk. So I hide in my cave...the bedroom...just so I can escape the tension.

I'm getting anxious because Matt leaves for Iraq this coming week. I wish his safety and all the blessing he deserves. As well as to all our other servicemen and women who help us live in this country. Regardless of all that's going on now...we are blest.

Monday, February 23, 2009


I went on a mission for my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) back in 1982-1983. I met some wonderful people and was campanions with some great sisters. Well my all time favorite companion was Shelley Sherwood. She went home severals months before I did, but afterwards I flew out to see her and she stayed with me when the mission reunion rolled around. We lost contact and I've wondered about her through the years. WELL I FOUND HER on facebook! I'm so excited to catch up and see whats been going on in her life. I think she'll be surprised at mine. I needed this life right now :0)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Will it never end...

Why do people have to be so ugly. Yes, I know I'm the one divorcing Steve but does he have to be so ugly. Once again I tried to be nice...ease tension...(that's my job, or downfall, to be peacemaker). Instead I get the comment that the sooner I'm out of his life the better off he'll be. See, I was right in my thinking...he's no happier than me.

Thank heavens for a wonderful primary care physician. He's helping me ease into the life of no insurance. Plus I've been retaining fluids pretty bad for a bit and he's helped me lose it. Can you believe that I lost 10 pounds of fluid from Wed evening to this morning (sat.) To me that's amazing! I feel much better too! Plus I think I've found a little will power and started dieting...I'd rather say..eating a lot more healthy. That way I don't feel deprived or guilty if I want something every now and then.

I'm so ready to have a life. Full of friends, doing things, and just being me!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Overwhelming Saddness

Last night as I lay in bed, my thoughts were all over the place. Thinking about the things I need to do, where Alex and I were going to live, etc. Then sheer saddness came over me. Matt is on his own now, Alex wants to graduate early (by Jan 2010) and head right into the Army, and I'll be divorced. I will be all alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so overwhelming, I cried for hours. I know my boys love me and we will be in contact quite often. It's just the fact that I won't see them day to day. That part of my life is just about over and it kills me. I can be alone and take care of myself quite well. I just don't want to be alone...sigh

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The last week has been up and down. There's going to be a bit of a fight on the divorce side. Steve says he's only going to pay child support and fight on everything else. Well, I'm not asking for anything more than what the law says is legally mine. Hopefully his lawyer will set him straight. Not sure if I'm staying in the house or if Steve is. I refuse for my credit to be ruined. If I have to get a part time job in order to keep the house...I will. Or maybe I can find some roomates. Me at 49 yrs of age and having roomates. Why is it that you work just as hard as your partner but in the end because they make a heck of a lot more than you do...they walk away barely affected (financial-wise).

Ok so I'm real down again right now.

I have a 17 yr old son who talks terrible to me. I didn't raise him to talk this way but that's how he chooses to talk. It makes me sad. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more unbecoming than to hear or read someone cussing. Mind you, I'm not judgemental...just don't like it.

I skipped church today just because I wanted to sleep and dream about good things. Dream about a relationship that's good. One I haven't seen yet. I'm lonely... And now I'm going to have a pity party... who wants a fat 49 year old??? Do I have a lot to give...yes. From past experience look at the outside first. And I don't feel very attractive right now. Don't tell me I can do something about it...I KNOW. But even when I was thinner...I was the wallflower.

I'm having conficting emotions right now too about where to live. Yes, I'd like to stay in the house and not have my credit ruined. But if Steve does take the I stay here in Texas??? I could move back up to Minnesota. I'd have my family around. But I would soooo miss my friends. And can make new ones... I love the Ward I'm in at church. I'd really miss it. Oh, I don't know...lots of praying to do.

I just really...really...want a hug...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Today I am going to start house hunting. I have a list of people to talk to , to find out what my possibilities are. I'm looking forward to having something all my own. It will feel different because I'm used to the space here but it will be all mine.

Update....guess I won't be buying a house. The only way to get my name off the mortgage we have now is for Steve to refinance. And it can't be done until the divorce is final. I hate renting...but I have no choice...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Is there a light at the end of the Tunnel?

Don't ask me how Steve and I have managed to stay in the same house since I started the divorce proceedings. It's been hard. I stay in my little private haven - the bedroom - most of the time. He got real ugly the other day...called me a not so nice name. I know I've hurt his pride and he's going to lash out. But it's hard letting it roll off my shoulder. But the past two days we've been cordial. So we're saving some money as we have divided the property in the house evenly and decided who's staying in the house. I'm going to leave when the divorce is final. I actually look forward to living somewhere fresh...something all my own. I really would like to buy instead of renting. I hate having money go to purchasing something for someone else.

Steve has said he has no desire to be my friend. I honestly hope he changes his mind as the anger wears off. But who knows...he thinks so differently about things. And maybe I'm being stupid to think he'd want to be my friend.

I haven't done so well on my challenges I've set. What I have done is the spiritual goal - I stayed to all the meetings and I actually enjoyed it. The emotional one - well I haven't found something good about myself every day, but I haven't put myself down either. So does that make it a wash on this one??? The exercise goal....YOU MEAN I SET ONE??? Was a no go. Maybe this next week I can do it.

Jeannie, from "Jeannies Happy World" sent me a real nice card. Thought I'd share it with you.


Cute huh!!!

Well I'm off to bed. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming...

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Yesterday afternoon I drove out to my friends house to have a scrapbook fri/sat event. There were five of us and let me tell was so much fun! It definitely was what I needed...some time away from all the stress.

I actually was productive. I completed two large boxes that can hold trinkets, bills, or whatever is desired. Then I did the layout for and acrylic 6X6 scrapbook (just need to put pictures in it now), and two 2 page spreads. So I'm pretty proud of myself. I'll take pictures and put them up so you can see. I think the boxes are pretty.

I came home to stress. I just have to take a deep breath and say a little will be all over soon. I'm trying to do the Christ-like things. But it's hard sometimes when you meet with apposition. So I sit in my room and type away here. If I didn't have this sanctuary I'd go crazy.

Talked to my sister Penny last night! I haven't talked with her forever. She and I grew up very close. She's my baby sister. I'm fourteen years older than she. When she was two yeas old we went camping with our family and another family. We loved swimming in the lake. On this particular day I saved my sister from drowning. She had fallen under the water and the life guard didn't see her because the sun was shining right on that spot so it was just a glare. I was swimming out to the dock with my friend and I felt something wrong. I swam back to shore and found her. So we've been super close since then. I miss her! We're both busy with our lives and we live many miles away from each other. So here is a shout out to my sissy...I LOVE YOU!!!

I'm heading off to bed now as I have church at 9:00 am sharp. Going to keep with my goal ;0)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Feeling Blue

I'm feeling rather blue at the moment. I went to the attorney today and got the paperwork started for my divorce. I think he'll do a good job for me. He knows I want it to be an easy and fast process. Now that it's actually under way...I feel empty inside. I know what I'm doing is right for me but it still makes me sad that things didn't work out. Twenty and a half years is a long time...sigh...

I'm not looking forward to feeling lonely (although I felt lonely a lot already). I'm scared about finances. I'm scared to only receive one addition year of medical insurance and then not having any. I'm scared that Alex has 1 1/2 years before he graduates and him leaving (he wants to go into the military like his brother). Then I'll really be alone. Ok...I'll have Gizmo. Will there be someone out there when I'm ready to have a relationship again...will anyone want me...ok, I've got to stop feeling this way. I need to get active and just be me. The me I've stiffled for so long. The me I'm proud of. The me that had great accomplishments in life. That's who I want to be again. The me that my Heavenly Father can be proud of. The me that I can be proud of.

Ok, I'm a little angry too. I gave 20 years of my life to this marriage. I did my best to please and play peacemaker. I gave up a lot of myself. So, I'm angry at myself as well. I gave up my dream of having a bundle of kiddos and settled for only two (who happen to be the joy's in my life). I quit playing the piano daily because someone was tired of hearing it and said that nobody wanted to hear my stuff anyway. I quit trying to do things with my friends and their husbands because...he just didn't want to. I'm angry because I let myself become a wall flower at any function we did go to. I'm angry that I let myself...lose myself.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monthly Challenge

I'm participating in a monthly challenge. With this challenge we are setting our own personal goals however big or small. Things we want to work on to make ourselves better. So I'm setting a goal under three catagories. I will post my results each Wednesday. My goals for this month are:

1. Spiritual - To go to all three of my church meetings on Sunday (no skipping out early and no excuses to not go!)

2. Physical - To get some kind of exercise at least three times a week. I have to start out small because I hate exercising.

3. Mentally - To find some nice thing about myself each day. I put myself down a lot...and gosh not that bad am I.

This is one challenge I want to suceed in!!

Thought for the Day

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
Today I go to the attorney to sign papers and give him the retainer. The ball is now moving.I've been so calm through all of this. I don't know if it's because I'm numb or if it just hasn't really sunk in yet.

I went to church Sunday and actually made it to all three meetings. Ok...I left early from relief society. I'll do better next week. I talked to the Relief Society president and asked if I could have my old visiting teachers back. I need some that come and I really loved having the ones I had. She said absolutely and then gave me the biggest hug. She had tears in her eyes. I haven't told her anything but I think she senses something. I don't know her very well but it made me feel good.

I want to feel a part of the ward and not just a wallflower. I know they love me and I just need to come out of my shell. Maybe now I'll be able too. I wish I could get Alex to go to church. He's struggling through those teenage years. But I know there is a spark in him because he faithfully pays his tithing.

Today will be interesting at work because I will be the only one here in the office. We are under a ice storm warning. The roads are just wet now but it's supposed to get bad later today. Sam lives in Alvarado which is a good drive from here. Anita's in Mansfield which is far too. Joanna already asked for the day off and I'm the only dummy who came in! The attorney is over here so I decided what the heck. I I think I'll turn the heat up!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Gran Torino

Ok, so I went to the movie saturday with Alex. We saw Gran Torino. I am not a Clint Eastwood fan so I really had no desire to see it until Matt told me it was good. Let me tell you was awesome. I didn't care for the always makes me wince. However, the story was really good. And believe it or not, it taught a lesson...not to judge a book by it's cover. This man (Clint Eastwood) was a angry old coot. He had a poor relationship with his sons and their families. And to be fair, his sons needed a swift kick in the butt as well. Anyway, he develops a relationship with the family next door especially the teenage boy. I laughed...Alex had to keep telling me "shhhhhh". And I cried like a baby at the end. Very touching, and I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. A MUST SEE!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Happy Birthday Alex!

My sweet Alex you are 17 today. Where did the time go?! Wasn't it yesterday that I was telling you and Matt a bedtime story about Tookie Rabbit and Pokie Turtle?! You loved our made up stories. And wasn't it yesterday that you rushed through the front door after going to Miss Cindy's Preschool to show me your artwork?! And wasn't it just Yesterday that you got your first real 'big boy' haircut?! Now you're 17 and driving, and a track star, working, and showing me how to do things like setting up electronic equipment because I just don't get it. I proud of you Alex. You've grown into a fine young adult. You make me laugh, cry, smile...and most of all...I Love You.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Beginning of Change

As the title of this entry states, the beginning of change has begun. I have struggled with this decision for a very long time. In fact, for many years. I've now realized that I have done all that I can. I won't be looking at any 'what if's'. I've prayed for guidance and feel what I'm doing is the right thing. Not just for me but for my family. I told Steve yesterday that I am filing for divorce. I do not hate Steve. I care a whole lot about him. We just are not on the same page anymore marriage-wise. I ask that you send prayers our way...not just for me, but for Steve, Matt, and Alex.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Good Time

Tonight Alex and I went to my friend Christy's house again to watch a movie in their awesome theater room. We had a ball!! We made chicken enchiladas and salad for dinner.

Alex asked Don (Christy's husband) about computers because he wanted to get a laptop, since our desktop here at home bit the dust. Don owns his own computer repair business and is a whiz with them. He got online and found that Best Buy had a good one in Alex's price range. So we all hopped in the car and wen to Best Buy. Alex's new computer is much better than mine and was 1/3 of the price. Isn't it amazing how much the price of things are given a few years. Anyway, Don sat down with Alex and updated it and installed some programs for free. That was so nice of him!!

While Don and Alex were busy with computers, Christy and I watched Ghost Whisperer. We're so hooked on that show.

Then we all went upstairs and watched Bankok Dangerous. Rotten Tomatoes gave the movie a rating of 9%. Well we say thay got it wrong. It was a good movie!

Anyway, it's so nice to have friends like that. They have been so supportive of me and what I need to do. They love my boys and it was good for Don and Alex tonight. Don and Christy are unable to have children so it was cool for Don to share the excitment of helping my son get his first computer. And it was good for Alex to have Don spend some quality "man" time with him.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Wow, so many things going on right now. Big changes will be taking place in my life and it's all overwhelming. I wish I could say here what I want too but for now I choose to remain silent on my blog. However there are great things happening.

I had my first little bit of muscle movement on the right side of my face. Do you know how exciting that is!!! I hope it doesn't take forever 'cause I know they say 2-6 months. At least I see signs and that makes me sooooo happy. I will no longer feel like a monster. I will beat this Bell's Palsy!

I went back to work this past monday and I'm so happy to be back. I missed my work family. I stepped right back in as if I had never been gone. How cool is that!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Yesterday I went to my 5 week check up after surgery. All is well! He said I could go back to work on monday! Ahhh, we get excited about small things! I go for another check up in 3 months.

Today I'm off to my primary care concerning the Bell's Palsy. It's an ER follow up but I need to let him know that I'm having dizzy/lightheaded moments. This thing is bothering my ear a bunch. I'm suspecting that's why I have these episodes. But it's good to find out for sure.

I sure wish all this stuff would stop. I know I shouldn't complain because others have it a lot worse than me but I'm sure tired of it. I want my body and mind at peace for just a moment. I'm sure once I get my emotional state in check and lose a bazillion pounds I'll feel a lot better. I'm sure glad I have the friends I do, who except me for who I am.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Matt is safely back at Fort Benning, Alex has gone to school , and Steve has gone to the gym on base, so I have the whole house to myself this morning. First time in what seems like forever!!! I like the silence. What makes it even better is that it's cold outside and it's raining. It's a cuddly day with my poochie Gizmo!

The Bell's Palsy is driving me nuts today. Maybe because of the cold and rain it hurts more. I've been massaging my face to keep the muscle worked. I keep looking for any improvement...none...yet. I know I can pass this could be a lot worse.

Talked with Matt last night before he had to go to formation, he's a litle overwhelmed and blue. He already misses home and he misses Jennifer. I told him it was normal to feel the after vacation blues. No one likes to go back to the real world. I reassured him that we were always there for him. He overwhelmed because of his ankle being sprained. He doesn't know what the army will say or do with him. Later...he starts RIP on February 5th. It gives his ankle a month to heal, so that's good.

I'm so ready to go back to work. I go for my 5 week check up tomorrow. Hopefully the doc will say I can go back to work next week. I do feel better. I haven't been able to follow doc orders very well. I've been running around way to much. My parents were angels and didn't let me do to much around the house. I got pretty much no help from my husband or kids.

Ok, I'm a bit on the blue side. I want so much more in life. I just need to decide how to get there. Lots of decisions to make and it's a bit overwhelming. But I'm going to enjoy today, or this morning that is!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

This has been an interesting few weeks. It's been hectic, stressful, happy, maddening, you name it.

I had a great time with my parents and Matt. Mom and Dad went home yesterday and Matt goes home today. Family is what it's all about!!! I will dearly miss them.

New Years Eve was fun. We had our usual buffet: shrimp, greek spinach pies, wings, tamales, finger sandwiches, etc. and of cours the sparkling bubbly. We toasted early this year because Steve had to go to work at 10:00pm. But that was midnight my folks were asleep and I was dozing in a chair. Of course Matt and Alex stayed up most the night playing video games.

New years day Mom, Dad, and I went to see the movie "Marley and Me" (awesome movie by the way!). During the movie I noticed something happening to my face. My muscles weren't moving on the right side. It hit suddenly. I didn't panic because a few years back Alex came down with Bell's Palsy. I had a sneaking suspicion that I had been hit. I wasn't worried about a stroke because I didn't see the other signs. However, after the movie we headed straight for the ER to make sure there wasn't some other underlying symptom causing the paralysis. After 4 hours of waiting in a room I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. NO FUN. I'm embarrassed to smile because I'm only 1/2 happy (haha). I do have pain in the back of my head that wraps around under my ear and along the jawline. It keeps me awake (it really does hurt). I have to use eye drops in my right eye because I can't blink. Man I look funny. Murphys Law I guess. Surgery, bladder infection, Bell's Palsy all in one month...hmmmm. At least I'm trying to laugh about it. I make an awesome pirate face!...without trying..hehehehe!