Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Feeling Blue

I'm feeling rather blue at the moment. I went to the attorney today and got the paperwork started for my divorce. I think he'll do a good job for me. He knows I want it to be an easy and fast process. Now that it's actually under way...I feel empty inside. I know what I'm doing is right for me but it still makes me sad that things didn't work out. Twenty and a half years is a long time...sigh...

I'm not looking forward to feeling lonely (although I felt lonely a lot already). I'm scared about finances. I'm scared to only receive one addition year of medical insurance and then not having any. I'm scared that Alex has 1 1/2 years before he graduates and him leaving (he wants to go into the military like his brother). Then I'll really be alone. Ok...I'll have Gizmo. Will there be someone out there when I'm ready to have a relationship again...will anyone want me...ok, I've got to stop feeling this way. I need to get active and just be me. The me I've stiffled for so long. The me I'm proud of. The me that had great accomplishments in life. That's who I want to be again. The me that my Heavenly Father can be proud of. The me that I can be proud of.

Ok, I'm a little angry too. I gave 20 years of my life to this marriage. I did my best to please and play peacemaker. I gave up a lot of myself. So, I'm angry at myself as well. I gave up my dream of having a bundle of kiddos and settled for only two (who happen to be the joy's in my life). I quit playing the piano daily because someone was tired of hearing it and said that nobody wanted to hear my stuff anyway. I quit trying to do things with my friends and their husbands because...he just didn't want to. I'm angry because I let myself become a wall flower at any function we did go to. I'm angry that I let myself...lose myself.


5 comments:

Queenie Jeannie said...

Hugs honey!!!

This is a traumatic experience, so let yourself feel whatever you feel. You will grieve - it's normal and healthy - and it has alot of steps. Just take them one at a time and be easy on yourself.

I was married for 14 years, before I got to the point of "ENOUGH!". So I do understand. Take it slowly, focus on YOU, and look forward to coming out of this on the other side. It's really great over here!!!

JoeTacoma said...

There's no way around the feelings you're having, Lynnette, but thankfully, spring always follows winter.

Mimi said...

There is life again after your divorce. You have to wade thru some crap to get there, but we will help get you to the other side.

xoxo

Aubrey Garff said...

Girl, you are one of the funnest and most generous people I know. You opened your house to me when I was a 15 year old brat and you treated me like we had never been apart. Heavenly Father has incredible things in store for you. It is the refining process that hurts the most and that is what you are going through. I love you and would love you to call me. 435-849-2310

Queenie Jeannie said...

Just FYI, I looked into it and you CAN keep your health insurance until one of you remarries. Please don't give this benefit away because you have earned it every bit as much as your husband!!!

Hugs - I hope you're feeling a bit better.