I'm not looking forward to feeling lonely (although I felt lonely a lot already). I'm scared about finances. I'm scared to only receive one addition year of medical insurance and then not having any. I'm scared that Alex has 1 1/2 years before he graduates and him leaving (he wants to go into the military like his brother). Then I'll really be alone. Ok...I'll have Gizmo. Will there be someone out there when I'm ready to have a relationship again...will anyone want me...ok, I've got to stop feeling this way. I need to get active and just be me. The me I've stiffled for so long. The me I'm proud of. The me that had great accomplishments in life. That's who I want to be again. The me that my Heavenly Father can be proud of. The me that I can be proud of.
Ok, I'm a little angry too. I gave 20 years of my life to this marriage. I did my best to please and play peacemaker. I gave up a lot of myself. So, I'm angry at myself as well. I gave up my dream of having a bundle of kiddos and settled for only two (who happen to be the joy's in my life). I quit playing the piano daily because someone was tired of hearing it and said that nobody wanted to hear my stuff anyway. I quit trying to do things with my friends and their husbands because...he just didn't want to. I'm angry because I let myself become a wall flower at any function we did go to. I'm angry that I let myself...lose myself.