Saturday, January 31, 2009

Yesterday afternoon I drove out to my friends house to have a scrapbook fri/sat event. There were five of us and let me tell was so much fun! It definitely was what I needed...some time away from all the stress.

I actually was productive. I completed two large boxes that can hold trinkets, bills, or whatever is desired. Then I did the layout for and acrylic 6X6 scrapbook (just need to put pictures in it now), and two 2 page spreads. So I'm pretty proud of myself. I'll take pictures and put them up so you can see. I think the boxes are pretty.

I came home to stress. I just have to take a deep breath and say a little will be all over soon. I'm trying to do the Christ-like things. But it's hard sometimes when you meet with apposition. So I sit in my room and type away here. If I didn't have this sanctuary I'd go crazy.

Talked to my sister Penny last night! I haven't talked with her forever. She and I grew up very close. She's my baby sister. I'm fourteen years older than she. When she was two yeas old we went camping with our family and another family. We loved swimming in the lake. On this particular day I saved my sister from drowning. She had fallen under the water and the life guard didn't see her because the sun was shining right on that spot so it was just a glare. I was swimming out to the dock with my friend and I felt something wrong. I swam back to shore and found her. So we've been super close since then. I miss her! We're both busy with our lives and we live many miles away from each other. So here is a shout out to my sissy...I LOVE YOU!!!

I'm heading off to bed now as I have church at 9:00 am sharp. Going to keep with my goal ;0)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Feeling Blue

I'm feeling rather blue at the moment. I went to the attorney today and got the paperwork started for my divorce. I think he'll do a good job for me. He knows I want it to be an easy and fast process. Now that it's actually under way...I feel empty inside. I know what I'm doing is right for me but it still makes me sad that things didn't work out. Twenty and a half years is a long time...sigh...

I'm not looking forward to feeling lonely (although I felt lonely a lot already). I'm scared about finances. I'm scared to only receive one addition year of medical insurance and then not having any. I'm scared that Alex has 1 1/2 years before he graduates and him leaving (he wants to go into the military like his brother). Then I'll really be alone. Ok...I'll have Gizmo. Will there be someone out there when I'm ready to have a relationship again...will anyone want me...ok, I've got to stop feeling this way. I need to get active and just be me. The me I've stiffled for so long. The me I'm proud of. The me that had great accomplishments in life. That's who I want to be again. The me that my Heavenly Father can be proud of. The me that I can be proud of.

Ok, I'm a little angry too. I gave 20 years of my life to this marriage. I did my best to please and play peacemaker. I gave up a lot of myself. So, I'm angry at myself as well. I gave up my dream of having a bundle of kiddos and settled for only two (who happen to be the joy's in my life). I quit playing the piano daily because someone was tired of hearing it and said that nobody wanted to hear my stuff anyway. I quit trying to do things with my friends and their husbands because...he just didn't want to. I'm angry because I let myself become a wall flower at any function we did go to. I'm angry that I let myself...lose myself.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monthly Challenge

I'm participating in a monthly challenge. With this challenge we are setting our own personal goals however big or small. Things we want to work on to make ourselves better. So I'm setting a goal under three catagories. I will post my results each Wednesday. My goals for this month are:

1. Spiritual - To go to all three of my church meetings on Sunday (no skipping out early and no excuses to not go!)

2. Physical - To get some kind of exercise at least three times a week. I have to start out small because I hate exercising.

3. Mentally - To find some nice thing about myself each day. I put myself down a lot...and gosh not that bad am I.

This is one challenge I want to suceed in!!

Thought for the Day

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
Today I go to the attorney to sign papers and give him the retainer. The ball is now moving.I've been so calm through all of this. I don't know if it's because I'm numb or if it just hasn't really sunk in yet.

I went to church Sunday and actually made it to all three meetings. Ok...I left early from relief society. I'll do better next week. I talked to the Relief Society president and asked if I could have my old visiting teachers back. I need some that come and I really loved having the ones I had. She said absolutely and then gave me the biggest hug. She had tears in her eyes. I haven't told her anything but I think she senses something. I don't know her very well but it made me feel good.

I want to feel a part of the ward and not just a wallflower. I know they love me and I just need to come out of my shell. Maybe now I'll be able too. I wish I could get Alex to go to church. He's struggling through those teenage years. But I know there is a spark in him because he faithfully pays his tithing.

Today will be interesting at work because I will be the only one here in the office. We are under a ice storm warning. The roads are just wet now but it's supposed to get bad later today. Sam lives in Alvarado which is a good drive from here. Anita's in Mansfield which is far too. Joanna already asked for the day off and I'm the only dummy who came in! The attorney is over here so I decided what the heck. I I think I'll turn the heat up!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Gran Torino

Ok, so I went to the movie saturday with Alex. We saw Gran Torino. I am not a Clint Eastwood fan so I really had no desire to see it until Matt told me it was good. Let me tell you was awesome. I didn't care for the always makes me wince. However, the story was really good. And believe it or not, it taught a lesson...not to judge a book by it's cover. This man (Clint Eastwood) was a angry old coot. He had a poor relationship with his sons and their families. And to be fair, his sons needed a swift kick in the butt as well. Anyway, he develops a relationship with the family next door especially the teenage boy. I laughed...Alex had to keep telling me "shhhhhh". And I cried like a baby at the end. Very touching, and I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. A MUST SEE!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Happy Birthday Alex!

My sweet Alex you are 17 today. Where did the time go?! Wasn't it yesterday that I was telling you and Matt a bedtime story about Tookie Rabbit and Pokie Turtle?! You loved our made up stories. And wasn't it yesterday that you rushed through the front door after going to Miss Cindy's Preschool to show me your artwork?! And wasn't it just Yesterday that you got your first real 'big boy' haircut?! Now you're 17 and driving, and a track star, working, and showing me how to do things like setting up electronic equipment because I just don't get it. I proud of you Alex. You've grown into a fine young adult. You make me laugh, cry, smile...and most of all...I Love You.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Beginning of Change

As the title of this entry states, the beginning of change has begun. I have struggled with this decision for a very long time. In fact, for many years. I've now realized that I have done all that I can. I won't be looking at any 'what if's'. I've prayed for guidance and feel what I'm doing is the right thing. Not just for me but for my family. I told Steve yesterday that I am filing for divorce. I do not hate Steve. I care a whole lot about him. We just are not on the same page anymore marriage-wise. I ask that you send prayers our way...not just for me, but for Steve, Matt, and Alex.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Good Time

Tonight Alex and I went to my friend Christy's house again to watch a movie in their awesome theater room. We had a ball!! We made chicken enchiladas and salad for dinner.

Alex asked Don (Christy's husband) about computers because he wanted to get a laptop, since our desktop here at home bit the dust. Don owns his own computer repair business and is a whiz with them. He got online and found that Best Buy had a good one in Alex's price range. So we all hopped in the car and wen to Best Buy. Alex's new computer is much better than mine and was 1/3 of the price. Isn't it amazing how much the price of things are given a few years. Anyway, Don sat down with Alex and updated it and installed some programs for free. That was so nice of him!!

While Don and Alex were busy with computers, Christy and I watched Ghost Whisperer. We're so hooked on that show.

Then we all went upstairs and watched Bankok Dangerous. Rotten Tomatoes gave the movie a rating of 9%. Well we say thay got it wrong. It was a good movie!

Anyway, it's so nice to have friends like that. They have been so supportive of me and what I need to do. They love my boys and it was good for Don and Alex tonight. Don and Christy are unable to have children so it was cool for Don to share the excitment of helping my son get his first computer. And it was good for Alex to have Don spend some quality "man" time with him.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Wow, so many things going on right now. Big changes will be taking place in my life and it's all overwhelming. I wish I could say here what I want too but for now I choose to remain silent on my blog. However there are great things happening.

I had my first little bit of muscle movement on the right side of my face. Do you know how exciting that is!!! I hope it doesn't take forever 'cause I know they say 2-6 months. At least I see signs and that makes me sooooo happy. I will no longer feel like a monster. I will beat this Bell's Palsy!

I went back to work this past monday and I'm so happy to be back. I missed my work family. I stepped right back in as if I had never been gone. How cool is that!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Yesterday I went to my 5 week check up after surgery. All is well! He said I could go back to work on monday! Ahhh, we get excited about small things! I go for another check up in 3 months.

Today I'm off to my primary care concerning the Bell's Palsy. It's an ER follow up but I need to let him know that I'm having dizzy/lightheaded moments. This thing is bothering my ear a bunch. I'm suspecting that's why I have these episodes. But it's good to find out for sure.

I sure wish all this stuff would stop. I know I shouldn't complain because others have it a lot worse than me but I'm sure tired of it. I want my body and mind at peace for just a moment. I'm sure once I get my emotional state in check and lose a bazillion pounds I'll feel a lot better. I'm sure glad I have the friends I do, who except me for who I am.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Matt is safely back at Fort Benning, Alex has gone to school , and Steve has gone to the gym on base, so I have the whole house to myself this morning. First time in what seems like forever!!! I like the silence. What makes it even better is that it's cold outside and it's raining. It's a cuddly day with my poochie Gizmo!

The Bell's Palsy is driving me nuts today. Maybe because of the cold and rain it hurts more. I've been massaging my face to keep the muscle worked. I keep looking for any improvement...none...yet. I know I can pass this could be a lot worse.

Talked with Matt last night before he had to go to formation, he's a litle overwhelmed and blue. He already misses home and he misses Jennifer. I told him it was normal to feel the after vacation blues. No one likes to go back to the real world. I reassured him that we were always there for him. He overwhelmed because of his ankle being sprained. He doesn't know what the army will say or do with him. Later...he starts RIP on February 5th. It gives his ankle a month to heal, so that's good.

I'm so ready to go back to work. I go for my 5 week check up tomorrow. Hopefully the doc will say I can go back to work next week. I do feel better. I haven't been able to follow doc orders very well. I've been running around way to much. My parents were angels and didn't let me do to much around the house. I got pretty much no help from my husband or kids.

Ok, I'm a bit on the blue side. I want so much more in life. I just need to decide how to get there. Lots of decisions to make and it's a bit overwhelming. But I'm going to enjoy today, or this morning that is!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

This has been an interesting few weeks. It's been hectic, stressful, happy, maddening, you name it.

I had a great time with my parents and Matt. Mom and Dad went home yesterday and Matt goes home today. Family is what it's all about!!! I will dearly miss them.

New Years Eve was fun. We had our usual buffet: shrimp, greek spinach pies, wings, tamales, finger sandwiches, etc. and of cours the sparkling bubbly. We toasted early this year because Steve had to go to work at 10:00pm. But that was midnight my folks were asleep and I was dozing in a chair. Of course Matt and Alex stayed up most the night playing video games.

New years day Mom, Dad, and I went to see the movie "Marley and Me" (awesome movie by the way!). During the movie I noticed something happening to my face. My muscles weren't moving on the right side. It hit suddenly. I didn't panic because a few years back Alex came down with Bell's Palsy. I had a sneaking suspicion that I had been hit. I wasn't worried about a stroke because I didn't see the other signs. However, after the movie we headed straight for the ER to make sure there wasn't some other underlying symptom causing the paralysis. After 4 hours of waiting in a room I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. NO FUN. I'm embarrassed to smile because I'm only 1/2 happy (haha). I do have pain in the back of my head that wraps around under my ear and along the jawline. It keeps me awake (it really does hurt). I have to use eye drops in my right eye because I can't blink. Man I look funny. Murphys Law I guess. Surgery, bladder infection, Bell's Palsy all in one month...hmmmm. At least I'm trying to laugh about it. I make an awesome pirate face!...without trying..hehehehe!