EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!

Its been nearly a month since I've posted. Really dont know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I guess its a normal process for anyone at whatever stage of a divorce. All I can say is....IT SUCKS. I dont regret my decision one bit...was the best thing I ever did. And Im sooo glad he, the unfeeling rock, is not in my life anymore. But man...I was not prepared for all the emotions..its a roller coaster ride. I have way too much time on my hands to think. Being alone sucks...being lonely sucks....the quiet sucks....MY LIFE SUCKS!!! The anxiety over just the past few days is so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe.

BLAHHHHH......

Here it is August 16th....I havent written much and I feel blah....physically and mentally. Mentally I'll just leave to myself to stew over. Physically I feel like crap. I think I've come down with a virus...maybe the flu...or even worse, strepp. The putz I was married to still hasnt gotten a copy of his DD214 (so he says) so I can turn it into DEERS to see if I have any insurance available to me. WOW I HATE THAT MAN!!!! Im going to have to bite the bullet and go see a doc-in-the-box. Hmmmm, I wonder how much that costs????

Im so blest to be able to stay in my folks empty house. I love it here. And my rent is so affordable and Im greatful for that. Child support is now coming out of my check so I dont have to worry about it getting there on time. Now I just need the military to hurry up and start sending me my portion of the retirement.

IM BROKE!!!!! It amazes me that the one person who was a cheater, liar, horrible man is hardly touched financially with the divorce. I tried my best to make it work (and Im glad it didnt) and Im scrounging. I took care of all the bills, made sure they were on time...etc. Our credit....OUTSTANDING.....and do you think I can get a credit card right now.....NO!!! There's something so wrong with this picture. Ok, Im gonna stop now.....nothing any good ever comes from being angry like this...

Im making homemade split pea soup in the crock pot today...think I'll go back to bed while its simmering and maybe when I wake up...it will be on the right side this time :)

Here is my latest photo. I got my hair cut and colored. Its just a subtle change but enough for me to notice. I have a lot more layers in my hair now so to me it looks fuller. The color was softened up some so I really like it.

A New Beginning

Im here guys....sorry. I've been doing good but dealing with a few issues...normal stuff I guess. I've been feeling pretty lonely. This house is sooo quiet. I talk to Gizmo (Im in trouble if he answers back!). Work is slowly coming around. Sam has a hard time finding the time to scan it in and send it to me. So some days Ive had nothing to do and have been very bored. Im pretty much settled in...just have my scrap room to unpack.

But last night was the beginning of a new life for me. Yes Im going to tell you all about it...lol. Way back in the day, there was a group of us from church that hung out together. Maybe 20 or so (yes we were large). Well one of the girls, Nancy, planned a reunion get together. Most of us havent seen each other in 25-26 years. So there was a breakfast yesterday morning.....I did not go. Wasnt sure if anyone would remember me and Im self conscious because of my weight (I was normal back then). So Nancy called me yesterday afternoon and asked where I was and why I didnt come. That everyone was asking about me. Anyway, she coerced me into going to the dinner last night. I will tell you I sat in my car in front of the church building for 10 minutes before having the courage to go inside. WHAT WAS I AFRAID OF!!!! I walked into the building and was attacked...lol. I had the best time...Im still smiling. It's funny how people change..there were some I would have never recognized. Others..well there was non stop hugging. One friend that I knew since...gosh, we were 12 yrs old maybe....she's moved back too...when I did. She was telling everyone that her best friend had come back! There were 2 guys there that I had dated. I actually was very nervous to ever see them again. One of them had been my best friend for 4 years, he had wanted to marry me...I just didnt feel the connection you need for a marriage. He's married now and he was there. But all was good. We hugged and talked (his wife was there too), got pictures. And the other guy...he's single again :0)....lol. There was an old roomate there and just the whole gang! We brought pictures of our kids...they thought my kids were handsome. I cant wait for the next one.

Tonight I going with a bunch of them to a fireside at church...really excited about that.

That lonely feeling left last night. I feel a connection again to the area and to people. I miss my boys immensly but I will make it now.

I wish all of you a great Sunday. Thanks for being my friends. For being a shoulder to cry on.

I'll post more later

Has it been that long????

Wow...almost a month since I posted. A lot has happened since then too. Got to Minnesota just fine. My sister and I ended up leaving a few hours after she got to Texas. The movers werent supposed to deliver until the 6th of July..they called and were dropping off three days earlier. WHAT!!!! I was still in Texas. So we left about 3:30 pm and headed for our first resting point...Kansas City, MO. Got there about 12:30 am. We stayed at a Super 8 motel...was real nice and clean. Then drove the rest of the way up to Apple Valley, MN. Pulled in around 5 pm. Had to get up bright and early the next morning to have everything brought in. The movers did a fantastic job! Only one thing was broken. a votive cup. The bad thing about that is that my mom sliced her hand open on it...NOT GOOD! Everything is unpacked except for my scraproom. I am tackling that today.

This week I will go to chruch for the first time since I got here. Im nervous....being new has never been fun for me. I really miss my ward in Burleson Texas. I talked with the relief soctiey president yesterday to get directions to the church...now I HAVE to go...lol.

The past couple of weeks have been very quiet. I hardly turn the TV on and I talk to Gizmo...hmmmm Im in trouble if he answers back...HAHA!

I think Im going to study and take the national certification test for medical coding. Being certified would be good. Id have something behind me. I may look into a new job here. And keep the other business on the side. I get the feeling of restment from a couple of people at work. I know it takes extra time to get the work to me but if it was put into the daily work flow...it would become routine. I feel like Im hitting a brick wall there. I also feel like Im being shut out. They have been so supportive of me in these past 6 months. I have not been there completely and Im very lucky to have had understanding from them. Im here now....settled...and raring to get back to it full swing. But, Im hitting resistance. They have kept working through all of this and I feel like they dont want me there. I hope Im wrong and things mellow out.

I miss Alex terribly. I do talk to him everyday though. He's doing alright but I hate the environment he's in. He says he's okay and he will be busy once school starts. He has the varsity track team, his job, and his girlfriend.

Well Ive gone on long enough for one sitting here. IT time for me to get my day going. Will post more later!

The Feeling of Liberation

It's finally come. I feel liberated!! The movers hauled everyhing out on Friday. And they did a good job! (a little plug for Paul Arpin Moving Co.) I was able to leave the house around 4:00 pm, left my keys on the counter and was gone!

Steve had his last little hooray..he took a few items from my china hutch, gifts he has given me that he brought home from Japan. A saki set and some vases. I confronted him and he just said he brought them home so he could take them back. Whatever dude!!! All I can say is whatever goes around, comes around...he isn't worth it

I'm staying at my best friends house for the week. Had to board Gizmo. My sister is coming down to drive back with me. We will have a ball!

Matt went back to Ft. Lewis today. I'm so glad I got to talk and see him. I miss him already.

There's so much say but I don't have time right now. Will write more later.

To all my friends...thank you for being there foe me. I love you guys!!!!


-- Post From My iPhone

The last week has been eventful. After making the decision to go to Minnesota, all the peices have just been falling into place. I actually started packing a few boxes the other day.

The next biggest hurdle to get over was the informal mediation that was set between Steve & I and our lawyers. This was held yesterday. I was so nervous. I really had no idea what to expect. Once my lawyer got there, Steve and his lawyer came in. Here's what's so funny. Steve's lawyer was so nice (I really liked her) and Steve came in with a chip on his shoulder. I had to bite my lip from cracking up. So anyway, his lawyer presents some items to us that they had discussed and they leave the room so my lawyer and I could talk. Steve made a feeble attempt at having me not pay child support. There's always a catch with him. He wanted me to give up my 1/2 of the military retirement for that year I would have paid child support. NOT happening. that amount was more than the child support....I'll pay the child support. Then he wanted me to give up my portion of the equity in hte home to pay back the investment he made in my company. Once again...NOT happening. He though he could get away with being given the entire amount back. Between my lawyer and his, it was stresses that this was a community property state so 1/2 the money invested was mine. Steve was livid. If looks could kill.....well I died many times. So he had to settle with only 1/2 which left me with a small chunk of equity in the home. So they offered to pay it back to me with more shares in our mutual funds. I accepted because in the long run when those shares start growing again...it will outweigh them piddly ammount of equity I had in the home. Everything else was split 50/50. I had to take a leap of faith ( I felted prompted that this was ok) of theissue of getting my name off the loan for the house. Steve will get a Release of Liability from the VA for me as soon as the divorce is final. If for some reason it falls through then he will go imediately to his lawyer and get a special deed of liability (which I have a copy of in case it needs to be filed with the court). this will protect me in that if he misses one payment on the house I can step in and kick him out. So at the end of the day...I feel mediation was very sucessful. I have to move out of the house no latter that 7/15/09. Wow ..I gotta get in gear!!!! I amd reall happy. I feel like the Lord had his hand in what went on. I feel like I can move on now.

Im so excited to move into my folks Apple Valley home. They have decided to stay in Blaine and I get to use the entire house, decorate, etc. So at least I'll be there a year. Hopefully I'll know what Im dong by then.

Sooo the best part is.....in 30 days....IM FREE!!!!!!! Steve's lawyer is filing the final decree on monday and she is preparing the quadro's. She's actually saving me tons of money. And I am sooo thankful for that.

So now I'm getting my self organized and getting all my ducks in a row. it would be ideal for me to move out by 7/1. That's when I have no more responsiblilty in any of the house payments.

Well...I off to enjoy my feeling of freedom and go pick Matt up at the airport!!!!!!

Sunday June 7, 2009

Wow! Things sure change in a blink of an eye. I know the decisoin I made to move out and let Alex stay with Steve is right. I knowe this because the Lord has whispered to my soul that Im to go to Minnesota. Im moving back home!!! I feel so much peace. And it's funny because all of a sudden past friends, whom I haven't seen in 26 years, are all crawling out of the woodwork. I didn't first start looking for them.....they found me!! It feels so good to be doing what I know the Lord wants of me. I have no idea why Im to go home..but something is in store for me.

I will come back and finish this posting in a bit. Im off to church. Ohhh pray that my fingers don't feel like hitting any key they want to on the piano...last week was sheer torture....LOL!