Saturday, February 19, 2011

Personal Revelation

I posted this to a group of amazing friends I communicate with on the internet. Some day I hope to meet them all.

This is what’s going on with me right now.

Do you believe in second chances? I do…always have. Let me start by saying that I’ve had some great insights as to why I’m here in Minnesota and why certain people cross my path. You all know that I needed to move miles away from the situation I had been living in for so long. But I’ve always wondered what the whole reason was as to why here so far away from where my children call home.

The last several weeks have been inspiring for me. I knew I needed to be with people who loved me and believed what I do. I’ve grown very close to several of my friends here. They, along with all those I’ve come in contact with, have helped me through a rough time. I have grown immensely. I needed to learn that I could stand on my own two feet...that I was of worth. I needed to find my spiritual side again.

I always wondered why I was led to a job that was temporary and why I have felt like I needed to be there since the future in this job is unsecure. I’ve had some strong moments of enlightenment while being at the VA. It’s been wonderful to receive the boost of confidence I’ve gotten there. To have my supervisors tell me they appreciate my work and my work ethic is a great feeling. It has been a long time since I’ve heard these kinds of comments. I liked what I did in TX but I really felt taken advantage of.
I made, what I thought was a good friend, at work. She has her quirks. I wouldn’t say she’s stuck up but she is very self-centered and self motivated. She has been going through a nasty divorce and child custody issues. She has cried numerous times on my shoulder and I have been there for her. I haven’t agreed with how she handles a lot of things and she knew this. But I was there to support her. What really bothered me was that she could only talk about herself and all her woes, how everyone else was wrong and making her life miserable. She never had time to talk about what someone else might need to talk about. She’s bitter, revengeful, and unforgiving, and she thinks she’s always right. I say all these things not to put her down but to describe what I see. I normally don’t make friends with negative people but for some reason she & I became friends or at least good work acquaintances. Well a few weeks ago she quit talking to me. She said that since I didn’t like her boyfriend (who’s cheating on her and stringing her along) she just couldn’t remain my friend….All I ever said was that she deserved someone who treated her better. She said that I was jealous and mad at her for having a boyfriend since I had no one in my life…..Really?!?!?! ? I tell you now that I don’t miss the friendship which never really was a friendship. I’ve been wondering why she came into my life. It hit me the other day why. She is exactly what I didn’t want to become! I don’t want to hate for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get even. I don’t want to hang onto things that are so small to the whole big picture of my life. The inspiration I received was that I was on the right track and that I was nothing like her. I have forgiven Steve for the turmoil our marriage had become. I have been able to remember all the good times and smile & laugh at these memories.

Now that I have given a lengthy intro into what’s been up with me, this is the point I’m getting too….Steve and I have been talking a lot lately. Talking about things that happened and how we’ve learned and grown from it. September a year ago he called sobbing with the recognition that he had messed up. He wanted me to come home. I certainly wasn’t ready for that or wanting it. Instead of walking away he sat back quietly while I found myself, while I healed. He didn’t turn hard and run. I can tell he’s grown a lot and acknowledges the mistakes he made. And I have learned that a relationship isn’t one sided in fault. What I mean by that is I may not have been the one who cheated, etc. but I had changed. I wasn’t the woman he married. I became closed off, scared, insecure, etc. (Yes the situation had a lot to do with it but I didn’t stand up for myself for many years). It’s not about who did what, it’s about the fact that we let it happen. Anyway…so yes Steve and I are talking and getting our toes a little wet into seeing if we can get back together. There is no rush into anything. We’re taking it one day at a time. He’s going to visit his mom next month and is going to drive up here for a day to visit me (she lives 3 hours from me).

I seriously would like to see us get back together with a fresh start. I do miss how thing were when we first met. We were inseparable. We did everything together. We laughed and were goofy together.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Update on my saga's

Ok, so I've been at my job almost 3 months now. I really like what I'm doing. It may only be a project with a deadline, may be tedious, but I like it. Computer and paperwork are my friend. As long as I don't have to answer phones.....I'm happy. I don't know how long I will be employed at the VA. We were told 2 years...but no one read the fine print of the contract with the temp agency. Apparently we can only be employed for no longer than 240 days. Big difference from 2 years! I really felt that first day on the job that I was supposed to be there. I've been trying to follow the inspiration and guidance of my Heavenly Father. I'm confused as to why I'm supposed to be there since it's just temporary. I need a permanent job badly. I need the security of knowing I have a job. I'm too old to be going from job to job. So Im scared....real scared. Maybe I'm there so that I can get some Minnesota references..I dont know. But none-the-less Im there.

Now, as much as I like my job, it has its downfall. For some reason I am being ostrisized by a few people. The very people I started with. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did to deserve this. Three of us had been going to lunch and breaks together. Then one morning it all changed. I was given excuse after excuse as to why they werent going on break with me that day. Funy thing is, I would never socialize with these girls outside of work. They do not have the same standards I do. Not saying they're bad people, I just don't drink, smoke, cuss, sleep around etc. But as coworkers and as temps we have something in common. I tell myself that it doesnt matter....and it doesnt. But the fact is, even at 50 years of age.....I do have feelings! I dont like the feeling of being left out or being treated like I don't exist (certainly got enough of that in my marriage). It makes me very self conscious. Sooo, then why am I supposed to be there??? What am I to learn??? Am I there for me or maybe to help someone else??? I dont know. I guess I need to start praying for the answer. In the meantime I need to keep looking for another job just in case this one ends sooner than later.

So last night I had an unpleasant experience. One of my good friends had day surgery. She is miserable at the moment. I do understand that. I called her to see how she was doing. Having had some of the same stuff done myself I was giving her some tips on how to make it better. All of a sudden she starts yelling at her mother who was saying something to her in the background. You know, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didnt. I told my friend to take a deep breath, calm down and not yell at her mother. She said, in an ugly tone, "well she's bugging me." I knew her mother was standing right there and I knew that it had to hurt to have your daughter yelling at you. At least it would hurt me. So I reminded my friend that she was her mother. My friend got mad at me and said she was letting me go because she was a terrible sick person (meaning she was in a bad mood) and was not good company. I told her I was sorry that it was just hard for me to hear someone yell at a parent. And that was the end of the conversation. Should I have kept my mouth shut??? Fact is, this friend has gotten snippy with her mom several times while in the company of others and it really irritates me. Hopefully it will blow over.

I've been dealing with one other obstacle too. Im still having a hard time being alone. Yes I have my family and friends around. Im talking about being ALONE. I want someone in my life. I want the right person in my life. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to be loved back. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I got it wrong the first time. But now being 50...will I have the opportunity to get it right. Some days are harder than others. Some days the walls seem to be caving in on me. I put on a good front to others but inside I feel like I'm dying. I know...hang in there....sigh.....sometimes it just seems too hard.

On a brighter note, Alex is coming to see me for a week at the end of the month. I'm way excited. I'll have to work during the day but we will have the evenings and the weekend to be together. He heads off to Marine Corps boot camp in August. Having both my kids in the military...oye! Im proud of them but I scared.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's been a great weekend!

This has been a peaceful weekend thus far. Yesterday I woke up and decided I wanted to go to an early movie. Chose to see 'Letters to God'. OMG, very touching and uplifting. It's about a little boy who has brain cancer. He writes letters to God daily. These letters don't just help him, but help those around him too. The postman, who has some struggles of his own, is affected greatly and turns his life around. The boy writes a letter to a classmate who has made fun of him. He tells the classmate that he forgives him because he knows that the boy just doesnt understand what he is going through. The letter turns the classmate around. And so it goes....

One part of the movie effected me a lot. He tells his mom that God chose her to be his mother. It made me think a lot. I have always felt I wasnt the greatest mother. So many things I wish I could do over. Well, God chose me to be my boys mother. They were (and are) special for me.....I was special for them. Im not perfect and God knows this. But with His help I raised my boys the best I could.

Great movie...I recommend it to everyone.

Came home from the movie and did the usual....laundry, clean, etc. Then I sat back and relaxed by catching up on all those DVR'd shows/movies I had. I watched the movie about the Amish community that was changed by a gunman who killed some school girls in the school. The main message in the movie was forgiveness. The main character in the movie was a mother of one of the girls killed. She had no desire to forgive and didn't understand how any of the others could forgive. It turned around for her when she learned her daughter had told the gunman that she would pray for him. She forgave him for what he was doing. Powerful message.

Went to church this morning and had a wonderful lesson in sunday school about charity. Also had a good lesson in relief society about prayer. I feel full today...I like feeling like this. I also chatted with one of the ladies in the ward about Emma Smith. She is so knowledgeable about Joseph and Emma Smith. She gave a presentation a few weeks back (she has been all over giving this presentation) about Emma Smith. I have been entrigued by Emma ever since I heard this presentation. I had some questions, which she answered but she also gave me insight into the sealing of my boys. I'm feeling peace.

I think I will get a church history book and do some more learnin'.

I like where I am right now with myself. I know Im heading in the right direction and it feels good. It hasnt been easy the past year but it's getting better. I have the tools to push forward and to stay on the right path.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A New Week

Got my insurance cards today...woohoo!!!! No longer uninsured, its such a great feeling. Now I can go to the doctor and have my meds changed up....allergies are killing me! I forgot how bad they were up here. I got used to them down in Texas and my meds worked. But they sure dont work here!

I completed a home laughing....I fixed the toilet....yep all by myself!! LOL :)
Small accomplishments excite me (oh boy!)

Jeannie - Yes Matt is deployed. He has been in Afghanistan since December. And Im ready for him to come home!!!

Ok, the weekend was ok. I thoroughly enjoyed my temple trip. The dinner/variety show was only ok. But I need to go to more of them so I get to know people. Then it will feel like a lot more fun.

This has been a flyby...but has been a good day!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Why is it?.......

Why is it that people judge others by their weight? More specifically, why do MEN judge us women by our weight? This has been the attitude of men for years...excluding a very few, who happen to have hearts. I have been judged all my life for being overweight. There were times where I was at a (what society calls) a normal weight. But because of the self image I learned to have throughout my life....I never felt 'Normal'. I look at those pictures now and dream of being that weight again. What's real sad is that when I was 'normal', I couldnt see it....all I saw was a fat person looking back at me. This is what I was always told I was. I remember being a young teen, maybe 13 or 14, and being told that no one would want me if I didnt lose some weight. Although I have forgiven this person for what was has affected how I feel about myself. A few months ago, I ran into an old friend. This person was shocked at the weight I had gained since the last time they saw me. Had I been this weight back then....they would not have even looked at me. I AM THE SAME PERSON ON THE INSIDE WHETHER IM UNDERWEIGHT, NORMAL OR OVERWEIGHT. Why can't these people get that throught their screwed up heads!!

And this bugs me too....why do women, who obviously have their weight under control, constantly say things like "oh, I need to lose 5 lbs..I feel so fat"....WHAT!!! Ok, maybe they have the same self image problem I have. But it still bugs me. However....I dont think they're less of a person.

All I know is that I want to feel excepted for who I am because of what I am on the inside. Please dont judge me because I have a weight issue.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


T.G.I.F., I'm so glad I can say that! And I was ready for it yesterday. I'm brain that is..LOL! Working on a project with a July 1st deadline. There are 5 of us that are working on it exclusively. But Im the only one putting 8 hours a day on it. The other four are students so they do as much as school will allow them too. So there is no down time. But that's good, makes for a busy and fast day!!! I cant believe I've been there for 3 weeks already!

Going to the Temple at 3:00 today. It's the monthly singles temple day. Today is also a mini conference which started at 10:00, but I couldnt leave Gizmo alone, penned up, all day again. He deserves my time too. So Im skipping the morning half and going to the late afternoon & evening activites.

I went to the temple Wednesday night. I enjoy going by myself. I think I will go every Wed. I get so much out of it. And its a good feeling. Plus I stop by the church bookstore on the way. I love that store, so this could be dangerous for me!

Alex called to tell me about his track meet he had last night. He didnt place in either of the hurdle events, but what he did do was run 2 personal bests!!! He is so happy about that and Im proud of him. He did take 2nd in the 4x4! This was a hard meet for his team. They were up against one of the best teams. GO ALEX!!!

Chatted with Matt for a few last night. He doesnt say much since he cant talk about what they're doing. But he gets a sense of peace just knowing that his mama is on the other end of the instant message. And it gives me peace too! Cant wait until he gets back on US soil.

I'll have to finish this days posting later as I still need to experience this day :)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Sunday

Today was General Conference. I watched it on BYU TV. Was very good! Loved President Monson's words.

I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....

Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.

Here are some pictures of him growing up.