Sunday, May 24, 2009

Here's the least some of it =)

Ok sooooo, I have made some huge decisions. Some sad, some good. The first decision I had to make was that I had to say goodbye to two internet friends. In the whole scheme of things I had to decide if they brought me up or brought me down. I love them to death and I mourn terribly for them, but in the long run...I am so better off without their influence right now. I had put off doing this for way too long. I know once the pain and the tears subside...I will be ok.

The second decision I made has finally brought peace to my confused core. I have gone back and forth so many times concerning the house. Yes I want I don't want it...maybe I want it...etc. I am NOT keeping the house. I am not going to buy right now either. I am going to rent for at least 6 months while I get my feet back on the ground.

The third decision actually came with prayer...not that the others didn't...but this one was a struggle. However, I know I'm doing the right thing. Alex has said that he wants to stay in the house...I'm going to let he stay with Steve. Steve is coming around and trying to build a better relationship with the boys. I think he will discipline in a right manner than before. Alex is having a rough time right now. He's become very disrepectful to me and is just beligerant. He needs a stronger hand right now. Alex has me too wrapped around his finger and knows I'll cave in (especially when he gets angry). So I talked it over with Steve and now we're going to tell Alex tomorrow.

I now will be the one paying child support. I will always do my share where my kids are concerned. It just seems funny when I make a quarter of what Steve makes and yet I have to pay child support. Steve could support him no problem on his own. I'm not complaining...just think its funny.

I will be able to widen my search area now for a place to live. I want to stay within my Ward boundaries at church but at least it opens the area of looking a bit. So I am at peace with these decisions and I look forward to packing!

The good thing that's going on I will talk about at a later date. But I will say I'm happy because I have finally figured out who I am and that I do have worth to others! Im sure I will have the occassional melt-down, but I will pick myself up and move forward.

Is the Light Finally Visible at the End of the Tunnel...

I don't have time this I am on my way out the door to go to church. This has been a sad but yet an interesting week that leaves me feeling both sorrow and excitiment. I know it makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. I will post later today about least some of it.

Monday, May 4, 2009


I found this thought today and wanted to share:

Listening to your heart, finding out who you are, is not simple. It takes time for the chatter to quiet down. In the silence of "not doing" we begin to know what we feel. If we listen and hear what is being offered, then anything in life can be our guide. Listen.

Today I had someone dear to me say something that really made me stop and think. "You need to remember that you are a someone not a something."

I have felt like a 'something' for so long. For way too long. I started thinking about my life as it was back in my 20's...a good time when I was 'someone' and how good it felt. A time when I was free to be me and was accepted as me. The time before I let someone take over my feelings of self worth. I may have had my own visions of self-doubt but not strong enough to feel like I was only a 'something'.

I have the greatest best friend... my friends at internet buddies...who have all supported me in the never-ending struggle to be acknowledged as someone of worth.

Shame on me for letting one individual bring me down to the point of hopelessness.

Tonight I have renewed faith in myself. I will push forward and fight with all my might to be the 'someone' that I am.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Rudely Awaken...

It's 4:06 am and I'm wide awake Actually I was rudely awoken. We've had lots of storms go through here the last 24 hours and our security system to the house freaked. I woke up to it blarring in my ear. I run down to the key pad (never even stopping to think that maybe someone could've broken in) and enter the code...nothing, alarm still blarring. I try again a few times...nothing...(at this point Gizmo is freaking and Steve & Alex are just starring at me). I call ADT and am on hold for at least 5 minutes with the alarm going off!!! (Really glad we weren't getting broken into). Course they tell me I'll have to unscrew the main plug and pull the wires off the back up battery. Who knows where a screwdriver is at this time of morning So she's walking me through the steps....and the phone dies...(I sense Murphys Law kicking in ) I did manage to get the alarm system turned off. Now I'm awake and can't go back to sleep. I just went to bed a couple of hours ago. I sense a nice long nap in the afternoon.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Wow...yesterday was an eye opener. You think you know someone and then their true colors come out. You show kindness...bend over backwards, just to be spoken to in a very disrespectful way. Leaves me speachless. I think the bridge on that one just got burned. I'm discovering I'm way too believing of people. Will be on my guard from now on.