Sunday, June 13, 2010

Update on my saga's

Ok, so I've been at my job almost 3 months now. I really like what I'm doing. It may only be a project with a deadline, may be tedious, but I like it. Computer and paperwork are my friend. As long as I don't have to answer phones.....I'm happy. I don't know how long I will be employed at the VA. We were told 2 years...but no one read the fine print of the contract with the temp agency. Apparently we can only be employed for no longer than 240 days. Big difference from 2 years! I really felt that first day on the job that I was supposed to be there. I've been trying to follow the inspiration and guidance of my Heavenly Father. I'm confused as to why I'm supposed to be there since it's just temporary. I need a permanent job badly. I need the security of knowing I have a job. I'm too old to be going from job to job. So Im scared....real scared. Maybe I'm there so that I can get some Minnesota references..I dont know. But none-the-less Im there.

Now, as much as I like my job, it has its downfall. For some reason I am being ostrisized by a few people. The very people I started with. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did to deserve this. Three of us had been going to lunch and breaks together. Then one morning it all changed. I was given excuse after excuse as to why they werent going on break with me that day. Funy thing is, I would never socialize with these girls outside of work. They do not have the same standards I do. Not saying they're bad people, I just don't drink, smoke, cuss, sleep around etc. But as coworkers and as temps we have something in common. I tell myself that it doesnt matter....and it doesnt. But the fact is, even at 50 years of age.....I do have feelings! I dont like the feeling of being left out or being treated like I don't exist (certainly got enough of that in my marriage). It makes me very self conscious. Sooo, then why am I supposed to be there??? What am I to learn??? Am I there for me or maybe to help someone else??? I dont know. I guess I need to start praying for the answer. In the meantime I need to keep looking for another job just in case this one ends sooner than later.

So last night I had an unpleasant experience. One of my good friends had day surgery. She is miserable at the moment. I do understand that. I called her to see how she was doing. Having had some of the same stuff done myself I was giving her some tips on how to make it better. All of a sudden she starts yelling at her mother who was saying something to her in the background. You know, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didnt. I told my friend to take a deep breath, calm down and not yell at her mother. She said, in an ugly tone, "well she's bugging me." I knew her mother was standing right there and I knew that it had to hurt to have your daughter yelling at you. At least it would hurt me. So I reminded my friend that she was her mother. My friend got mad at me and said she was letting me go because she was a terrible sick person (meaning she was in a bad mood) and was not good company. I told her I was sorry that it was just hard for me to hear someone yell at a parent. And that was the end of the conversation. Should I have kept my mouth shut??? Fact is, this friend has gotten snippy with her mom several times while in the company of others and it really irritates me. Hopefully it will blow over.

I've been dealing with one other obstacle too. Im still having a hard time being alone. Yes I have my family and friends around. Im talking about being ALONE. I want someone in my life. I want the right person in my life. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to be loved back. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I got it wrong the first time. But now being 50...will I have the opportunity to get it right. Some days are harder than others. Some days the walls seem to be caving in on me. I put on a good front to others but inside I feel like I'm dying. I know...hang in there....sigh.....sometimes it just seems too hard.

On a brighter note, Alex is coming to see me for a week at the end of the month. I'm way excited. I'll have to work during the day but we will have the evenings and the weekend to be together. He heads off to Marine Corps boot camp in August. Having both my kids in the military...oye! Im proud of them but I scared.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's been a great weekend!

This has been a peaceful weekend thus far. Yesterday I woke up and decided I wanted to go to an early movie. Chose to see 'Letters to God'. OMG, very touching and uplifting. It's about a little boy who has brain cancer. He writes letters to God daily. These letters don't just help him, but help those around him too. The postman, who has some struggles of his own, is affected greatly and turns his life around. The boy writes a letter to a classmate who has made fun of him. He tells the classmate that he forgives him because he knows that the boy just doesnt understand what he is going through. The letter turns the classmate around. And so it goes....

One part of the movie effected me a lot. He tells his mom that God chose her to be his mother. It made me think a lot. I have always felt I wasnt the greatest mother. So many things I wish I could do over. Well, God chose me to be my boys mother. They were (and are) special for me.....I was special for them. Im not perfect and God knows this. But with His help I raised my boys the best I could.

Great movie...I recommend it to everyone.

Came home from the movie and did the usual....laundry, clean, etc. Then I sat back and relaxed by catching up on all those DVR'd shows/movies I had. I watched the movie about the Amish community that was changed by a gunman who killed some school girls in the school. The main message in the movie was forgiveness. The main character in the movie was a mother of one of the girls killed. She had no desire to forgive and didn't understand how any of the others could forgive. It turned around for her when she learned her daughter had told the gunman that she would pray for him. She forgave him for what he was doing. Powerful message.

Went to church this morning and had a wonderful lesson in sunday school about charity. Also had a good lesson in relief society about prayer. I feel full today...I like feeling like this. I also chatted with one of the ladies in the ward about Emma Smith. She is so knowledgeable about Joseph and Emma Smith. She gave a presentation a few weeks back (she has been all over giving this presentation) about Emma Smith. I have been entrigued by Emma ever since I heard this presentation. I had some questions, which she answered but she also gave me insight into the sealing of my boys. I'm feeling peace.

I think I will get a church history book and do some more learnin'.

I like where I am right now with myself. I know Im heading in the right direction and it feels good. It hasnt been easy the past year but it's getting better. I have the tools to push forward and to stay on the right path.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A New Week

Got my insurance cards today...woohoo!!!! No longer uninsured, its such a great feeling. Now I can go to the doctor and have my meds changed up....allergies are killing me! I forgot how bad they were up here. I got used to them down in Texas and my meds worked. But they sure dont work here!

I completed a home laughing....I fixed the toilet....yep all by myself!! LOL :)
Small accomplishments excite me (oh boy!)

Jeannie - Yes Matt is deployed. He has been in Afghanistan since December. And Im ready for him to come home!!!

Ok, the weekend was ok. I thoroughly enjoyed my temple trip. The dinner/variety show was only ok. But I need to go to more of them so I get to know people. Then it will feel like a lot more fun.

This has been a flyby...but has been a good day!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Why is it?.......

Why is it that people judge others by their weight? More specifically, why do MEN judge us women by our weight? This has been the attitude of men for years...excluding a very few, who happen to have hearts. I have been judged all my life for being overweight. There were times where I was at a (what society calls) a normal weight. But because of the self image I learned to have throughout my life....I never felt 'Normal'. I look at those pictures now and dream of being that weight again. What's real sad is that when I was 'normal', I couldnt see it....all I saw was a fat person looking back at me. This is what I was always told I was. I remember being a young teen, maybe 13 or 14, and being told that no one would want me if I didnt lose some weight. Although I have forgiven this person for what was has affected how I feel about myself. A few months ago, I ran into an old friend. This person was shocked at the weight I had gained since the last time they saw me. Had I been this weight back then....they would not have even looked at me. I AM THE SAME PERSON ON THE INSIDE WHETHER IM UNDERWEIGHT, NORMAL OR OVERWEIGHT. Why can't these people get that throught their screwed up heads!!

And this bugs me too....why do women, who obviously have their weight under control, constantly say things like "oh, I need to lose 5 lbs..I feel so fat"....WHAT!!! Ok, maybe they have the same self image problem I have. But it still bugs me. However....I dont think they're less of a person.

All I know is that I want to feel excepted for who I am because of what I am on the inside. Please dont judge me because I have a weight issue.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


T.G.I.F., I'm so glad I can say that! And I was ready for it yesterday. I'm brain that is..LOL! Working on a project with a July 1st deadline. There are 5 of us that are working on it exclusively. But Im the only one putting 8 hours a day on it. The other four are students so they do as much as school will allow them too. So there is no down time. But that's good, makes for a busy and fast day!!! I cant believe I've been there for 3 weeks already!

Going to the Temple at 3:00 today. It's the monthly singles temple day. Today is also a mini conference which started at 10:00, but I couldnt leave Gizmo alone, penned up, all day again. He deserves my time too. So Im skipping the morning half and going to the late afternoon & evening activites.

I went to the temple Wednesday night. I enjoy going by myself. I think I will go every Wed. I get so much out of it. And its a good feeling. Plus I stop by the church bookstore on the way. I love that store, so this could be dangerous for me!

Alex called to tell me about his track meet he had last night. He didnt place in either of the hurdle events, but what he did do was run 2 personal bests!!! He is so happy about that and Im proud of him. He did take 2nd in the 4x4! This was a hard meet for his team. They were up against one of the best teams. GO ALEX!!!

Chatted with Matt for a few last night. He doesnt say much since he cant talk about what they're doing. But he gets a sense of peace just knowing that his mama is on the other end of the instant message. And it gives me peace too! Cant wait until he gets back on US soil.

I'll have to finish this days posting later as I still need to experience this day :)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Sunday

Today was General Conference. I watched it on BYU TV. Was very good! Loved President Monson's words.

I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....

Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.

Here are some pictures of him growing up.




A Miraculous Change - Part 3

It finally arrived! The check I have been waiting for....for nine months. My portion of the military retirement. I had to fight hard to get it going. Having a real lousy lawyer, who practically did nothing, cost me months of pay. That being said.....the Ex did sent me some of it throughout these months. But he still owes me. We had discussed that once we knew the amount he would send the rest. Hmmmm......seems he wants to change his mind. He says he knows he owes me but he seems to think that this is in addition to the income that I was supposed to be getting. He thinks that the child support should be raised. I reminded him that the support was figured out by the courts based on what I made. So now he wants to fight. I hung up from that phone call a mess. I hadnt cried that hard in a very long time. Later I talked to a good friend who said to let it go. I had a job, the retirement was coming in wasnt worth it. I thought about that a lot the next day. I also had posted a comment on facebook saying..."the question I continue to fight or let go??" Another friend of mine, who knows nothing of the situation, posted this reply..."depends on what you are fighting for. If it's a rightous desire, hang in there. If not, let go. Continue to pray for assistance." Well, it hit me....that's twice I've been told to let it go. So I continued to push it around in my head. This is what I'm going to do.....LET IT GO. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today. I'm happy. I dont cry at night anymore. I like who I am becoming. And things are falling into place. Yes I know there are still obstacles to get over (such as getting my name off the house) but Im happy. When the Ex and I talked, it brought all those horrible feelings back up...I hadnt felt like that it several months. Im not going back painful and so not worth it! Im not starting all over with another lawyer.....its not worth it! I'm letting go. If he choses to pay me what he owes me, that's great. If he doesn't, it's on his conscience. The money isn't worth taking any steps backward!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

A Miraculous Change - Part 2

So much has happened in the work area. I no longer get work or a pay check from the company down in Texas. To be honest...Im getting screwed on the whole thing, considering Im the majority share holder. Trying to sell my shares and get out of it. If that doesnt happen...the company will have to fold. That being said.....I'M HAPPY. One of the best things that could ever happen to me. I needed to cut ties from that place and work where I felt appreciated. And also work in the State that I live in. I immediately put my resume out there and also had various temps agencies looking for me. It sucks out there. So many people out of jobs. I interviewed at an Eye clinic....seemed ok, but was glad they chose someone else....wasnt quite what I was looking for. I then interviewed at an orthopedic facility to work in the office....I loved it. I so wanted the job. I felt it was made for me. I prayed and prayed real hard that it would come through for me. But I also prayed that I would find the 'RIGHT' job. One that would make me happy. One where I felt a sense of accomplishment. One that the Lord knew was best for me and my situation. I got a call from a temp agency based in Kansas. They were hiring for the VA in Minneapolis. What were the chances that I would get on there...LOL. I applied and did the background check. I wasnt really into getting this job. I wanted the orthopedic job, but they hadnt made a decision yet. Time was running out, so I took the VA job. The Lord knew what he was doing. I love the job. Im working in the accounting/billing department. Its a long term temp job.....2 years. This gives me plenty of time to maybe find a permanent position at the VA. The dept Im working in is relocating to Ft. Leavenworth. But there's always the HR dept. The people are real nice. I feel very comfortable there. Ohhhh....and one of the best things......I get free medical, dental, and vision!!!!! No more worries of being uninsured. ANd I love my hours. Here is one the the best benefits.....talking to the veterans on my breaks. I realize I need their smile as much as they need mine. Can you tell Im happy!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

A Miraculous Change - Part 1

My life has taken a miraculous turn. I will post these changes throughout the weekend. I first want to post an article I was asked to write for a friends Relief Society newsletter. It puts in a nutshell what I have been through. Here is my article.

The Road Back to a Growing Testimony

I’ve always had a testimony. That was never the question. What I didn’t realize is that if I didn’t keep it growing by doing, and by sharing, it would end up hidden on the back of a shelf somewhere. So over the course of 21 years my testimony found its way on a shelf collecting dust. I had chosen a harder road to travel in life (not on purpose) and the consequences became more than I could handle. It started out slow; I went from going to all my church meetings to going to sacrament meeting on Sunday and then going home. Then I started to miss a Sunday here and there altogether. I stopped going to the church activities and interacting with the sisters in the ward. I’d tell myself I was ok because I had a testimony…I was just semi -inactive. Then I began to feel inadequate and not worthy of receiving the blessings that the gospel and church membership brings. All of those blessings were for those better than me. It even got to the point where I stopped praying because I felt I wasn’t anyone worth listening to, so why would Heavenly Father? I stopped believing that I was redeemable. I had gotten myself into this mess and felt like I had to get myself out of it…alone. I didn’t know where to start.

The road back started with simple conversations with someone who I consider a spiritual giant. He taught me how to pray again. He taught me how to pray ‘Real’. So I started working on that. It felt strange at first. I wondered how Heavenly Father could listen to me. But as time went by I started to feel different. I started listening and I found myself praying all the time. I knew I needed to do more and that I needed to be in a place where I could do more, but where? The Lord answered that prayer too, sending me nearly 1000 miles from my two sons & friends back to where I grew up…Minnesota. I went home to Minnesota not knowing what was in store for me. But the Lord knew. He knew I needed reestablishment with long ago church friends. He knew I needed to start building relationships in a new ward. He knew that I needed to realize that, YES, I was someone of importance, YES, I was worth loving and, YES, I was worth saving. He also knew that this new road I was taking was not going to be easy. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but to lose my employment too….well, blessings do come in strange packages sometimes! I’m learning to rely on the strength my Heavenly Father gives me. I’m learning to ask for the things I need and to realize that if its right…it will be granted. I’m learning to do things the Lord’s way and not my way. I worked to get my temple recommend renewed and have enjoyed going to the temple quite a bit. In fact, I’m quite drawn to it. I find peace inside those temple walls. I’m finding that I read the scriptures more often. I have started devouring church magazines and church books. There are two sentences in a particular book, Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, that really stood out for me. He said,

“Not only must we believe that he is who he says he is, we must also believe that he can do what he says he can do. We must not only believe in Christ, we must also believe Christ when he says he can clean us up and make us celestial.”

Alma 32: 33-37 talks about planting a seed:

33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.

What was happening to me? I’ll happily tell you, I started believing Christ and was finding my spiritual self again. That person who I used to be so long ago was returning. I have found that seed and replanted it. I water it daily and watch it grow stronger & stronger. I have learned that I can’t take for granted that I have a testimony, I have to work at it daily. I do know that I am a daughter of God; that He loves me and wants me to succeed. I have learned that YES I am someone of importance, YES, I am worth loving and, YES, I am worth saving.