Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I'm Really a Fun loving Person...

I know there are a few that read my blog. I'm really not a down in the dumps, depressing individual. I love having fun, laughing, cutting up, being goofy! I hope you understand that I need to write how I feel going through this divorce. Yes, maybe no different than someone else....but they're my feelings, my situations, etc. I need to remember them so it will make me stronger in the future.

I really need to get some sleep. Last night sleep eluded me...I was a mess. I have never cried that hard. I grabbed the pillow and just screamed and sobbed into it. I was an emotional wreck. You know the kind...where you can't catch your breath and you can't breathe. I really glad I'm not suicidal because last night was the lowest I have every felt.

Since I couldn't breath..I got back online and was pleasantly surprised to see my sister Penny online. I haven't chatted with her for a while and it was sooo good to do that. I miss my baby sis!

I was pretty much useless at work today...soooo tired, hard time concentrating, wanting to lay my head back on my chair and rest. Just a few moments..PLEASE..

I don't think I've ever felt this so alone before. The anxiety is overwhelming sometimes. Tonight when it hit...I just sat in my chair and kept telling myself it would pass. I wanted to pick the phone up and call someone...all my friends would listen...but I always stop myself because I don't want to burden anyone or waste their time.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong and can handle anything. It may appear so on the outside..but on the inside, I'm standing on the edge.

Anywho..I so appreciate having this blog to express what I'm feeling. Then to be able to look at it later and see progress, even though there are times I fall back down the hill a bit.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Reality Check

When did I become so gullible? When did I let my guard down? When did I let myself 'feel'...even for a second? These are questions I've asked myself over and over. I need to keep the brick wall up around my heart...it's safer that way. So I take a deep breath...hold it...let it out slowly...and start all over again.


I'm sooo stressed right now. I'm ready for this ride to be OVER!!! I have a child who has decided that he doesn't want to live with me..."I stress him out"...go figure, ask him to do any chores or help out with anything and he blows up. He thinks it will be easier to get past his Dad. He has been so disrespectful to me (actually for quite a while now). What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I didn't raise him to be this way...The sad thing is...I'm to the point where...I don't know whether to care anymore.

Tonight I'm on the edge...I want sleep to take over...my head hurts, my brain hurts, my heart hurts, I'm freaking lonely...I want to scream...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Round Two.....Ding

I thought maybe those dark clouds were going away. Alas, they turned right back around and spewed their furry on me last night. I am trying so hard to be nice..and for what?!?!? Steve and I got into a huge dumping conversation on the front lawn last night. No we weren't yelling or even motioning huge with our arms and hands. But I'm sure it was obvious to the neighbors that something was amiss. Did you know that it's all my fault we're going through all of this...WHAT....I had to laugh. It didn't matter that for years I've been trying to get him to go to counceling, that I've told him over and over he needed to work on his relationship with the kids, that he was losing me. How many times when he asked what I wanted, did I tell him...all I want is you. How many times did I give up on my feelings in order to give him what he wanted. Was he a good provider....yes. Was he good at working on a relationship...no. All he thinks about is that fact that he, and only he, worked hard for the money brought into the family. It doesn't matter that I have a job...it pays way less so it doesn't count. It didn't matter that I stayed home to take care of the kids when they were little and ran a daycare in the home to help provied for this family too. Nothing I provided counted because it wasn't as much he he brought in. He's furious because the state says I am to recieve 1/2 of his retirement during the marital years of his military career, 1/2 of all the financial accounts. Was I not part of this martial union...did I not work just as hard? Then he liked rubbing in that I couldn't afford the house on my own. That's when reality set in. I can't afford it on my own. I MAKE NOTHING!!! This really sucks, he can continue living hardly scathed and I will be scrapping. And to top it all off, my lawyer said that with my income I couldn't afford a house, at least the one we're in. The one that I tried to make a home. The one that IS home to myself and Alex. Steve wins again....

I supported Steve through school. He had no credit until we got together, he built his off of mine. It was my idea for him to go back into the military full time, he was only working 2 security part time jobs at the time. Where would we be if I hadn't suggested this. I'm not saying where we are is becasue of me alone...but I did have a part in it. I wasn't useless...I participated...I worked to make a marriage union of two people becoming 'one'. So why is it that I walk away the broken one....

My head hurts...time for a break. I'm heading up to minnesota to spend a week with the family. Seven glorious days of trying not to think about anything but having fun.

I am worth something...aren't I.....

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dark clouds hover above, threatening to unleash their vengeance. Off in the distance, thunder sounds off a warning as the fingers of lightening dance across the sky. The wind howls, blowing any thought of peace and scatters it across the ground. The impending twister flits in and out of the sky looking for it's victim, ready to upheaval any sense of understanding.

This is how I feel right now. I'm so confused and my brain is mash. I'm so messed up. I'm not me right now. I need help....I have my counselor but that's not enough. I'm afraid and I don't want to be alone right now. I pray to my Heavenly Father but I somehow don't feel worthy to be listened to or helped. What has happened to me....I don't understand....