I feel like I'm trapped in a raging whirlpool, getting spun around and around. It's amazing to me how much pressure I put on myself because of my weight. I know I judge myself way too harshly. And right now I want to hide under the nearest (and biggest) rock. I was doing so good. From March of this year to July of this year I has lost 44 pounds. And now half of it is back on. I'm an emotional eater. I let littel stresses become big stresses. Things that are stressing me right now (and please don't laugh because they're huge to me even if not to anyone else): Having to play the piano for the Primary program next Sunday, fitting in an airplane seat that's smal even to a regular size person (and continental is the worst!), Matt seeing me with weight back on, my upcoming surgery, and a few other things that I don't care to write about.
I'm not having a pity me party, I'm just venting the emotions I have always dealt with. I always feel like I'm second best...or third...or fourth...etc. Now I can't say that with my children. I adore them and I know they love me. And of course my parents...they are the best any could ask for. They would do anything for me and I for them. I guess I'm talking about other relationships, but I don't want to get into it right now.
I seem to always run away from things and I don't want to do that anymore. I have made a lot of wonderful changes to myself over the past two years so I am grateful for that. I just need to keep moving forward.
I have to be positive the rest of the day. I owe it the those wonderful primary children who are so innocent. If they can overlook all my wrong notes...then I should be able too also.