T.G.I.F., I'm so glad I can say that! And I was ready for it yesterday. I'm exhausted....my brain that is..LOL! Working on a project with a July 1st deadline. There are 5 of us that are working on it exclusively. But Im the only one putting 8 hours a day on it. The other four are students so they do as much as school will allow them too. So there is no down time. But that's good, makes for a busy and fast day!!! I cant believe I've been there for 3 weeks already!
Going to the Temple at 3:00 today. It's the monthly singles temple day. Today is also a mini conference which started at 10:00, but I couldnt leave Gizmo alone, penned up, all day again. He deserves my time too. So Im skipping the morning half and going to the late afternoon & evening activites.
I went to the temple Wednesday night. I enjoy going by myself. I think I will go every Wed. I get so much out of it. And its a good feeling. Plus I stop by the church bookstore on the way. I love that store, so this could be dangerous for me!
Alex called to tell me about his track meet he had last night. He didnt place in either of the hurdle events, but what he did do was run 2 personal bests!!! He is so happy about that and Im proud of him. He did take 2nd in the 4x4! This was a hard meet for his team. They were up against one of the best teams. GO ALEX!!!
Chatted with Matt for a few last night. He doesnt say much since he cant talk about what they're doing. But he gets a sense of peace just knowing that his mama is on the other end of the instant message. And it gives me peace too! Cant wait until he gets back on US soil.
I'll have to finish this days posting later as I still need to experience this day :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday
Today was General Conference. I watched it on BYU TV. Was very good! Loved President Monson's words.
I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....
Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.
Here are some pictures of him growing up.
I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....
Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.
Here are some pictures of him growing up.
A Miraculous Change - Part 3
It finally arrived! The check I have been waiting for....for nine months. My portion of the military retirement. I had to fight hard to get it going. Having a real lousy lawyer, who practically did nothing, cost me months of pay. That being said.....the Ex did sent me some of it throughout these months. But he still owes me. We had discussed that once we knew the amount he would send the rest. Hmmmm......seems he wants to change his mind. He says he knows he owes me but he seems to think that this is in addition to the income that I was supposed to be getting. He thinks that the child support should be raised. I reminded him that the support was figured out by the courts based on what I made. So now he wants to fight. I hung up from that phone call a mess. I hadnt cried that hard in a very long time. Later I talked to a good friend who said to let it go. I had a job, the retirement was coming in now....it wasnt worth it. I thought about that a lot the next day. I also had posted a comment on facebook saying..."the question is....do I continue to fight or let go??" Another friend of mine, who knows nothing of the situation, posted this reply..."depends on what you are fighting for. If it's a rightous desire, hang in there. If not, let go. Continue to pray for assistance." Well, it hit me....that's twice I've been told to let it go. So I continued to push it around in my head. This is what I'm going to do.....LET IT GO. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today. I'm happy. I dont cry at night anymore. I like who I am becoming. And things are falling into place. Yes I know there are still obstacles to get over (such as getting my name off the house) but Im happy. When the Ex and I talked, it brought all those horrible feelings back up...I hadnt felt like that it several months. Im not going back there...to painful and so not worth it! Im not starting all over with another lawyer.....its not worth it! I'm letting go. If he choses to pay me what he owes me, that's great. If he doesn't, it's on his conscience. The money isn't worth taking any steps backward!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A Miraculous Change - Part 2
So much has happened in the work area. I no longer get work or a pay check from the company down in Texas. To be honest...Im getting screwed on the whole thing, considering Im the majority share holder. Trying to sell my shares and get out of it. If that doesnt happen...the company will have to fold. That being said.....I'M HAPPY. One of the best things that could ever happen to me. I needed to cut ties from that place and work where I felt appreciated. And also work in the State that I live in. I immediately put my resume out there and also had various temps agencies looking for me. It sucks out there. So many people out of jobs. I interviewed at an Eye clinic....seemed ok, but was glad they chose someone else....wasnt quite what I was looking for. I then interviewed at an orthopedic facility to work in the office....I loved it. I so wanted the job. I felt it was made for me. I prayed and prayed real hard that it would come through for me. But I also prayed that I would find the 'RIGHT' job. One that would make me happy. One where I felt a sense of accomplishment. One that the Lord knew was best for me and my situation. I got a call from a temp agency based in Kansas. They were hiring for the VA in Minneapolis. What were the chances that I would get on there...LOL. I applied and did the background check. I wasnt really into getting this job. I wanted the orthopedic job, but they hadnt made a decision yet. Time was running out, so I took the VA job. The Lord knew what he was doing. I love the job. Im working in the accounting/billing department. Its a long term temp job.....2 years. This gives me plenty of time to maybe find a permanent position at the VA. The dept Im working in is relocating to Ft. Leavenworth. But there's always the HR dept. The people are real nice. I feel very comfortable there. Ohhhh....and one of the best things......I get free medical, dental, and vision!!!!! No more worries of being uninsured. ANd I love my hours. Here is one the the best benefits.....talking to the veterans on my breaks. I realize I need their smile as much as they need mine. Can you tell Im happy!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Miraculous Change - Part 1
My life has taken a miraculous turn. I will post these changes throughout the weekend. I first want to post an article I was asked to write for a friends Relief Society newsletter. It puts in a nutshell what I have been through. Here is my article.
The Road Back to a Growing Testimony
I’ve always had a testimony. That was never the question. What I didn’t realize is that if I didn’t keep it growing by doing, and by sharing, it would end up hidden on the back of a shelf somewhere. So over the course of 21 years my testimony found its way on a shelf collecting dust. I had chosen a harder road to travel in life (not on purpose) and the consequences became more than I could handle. It started out slow; I went from going to all my church meetings to going to sacrament meeting on Sunday and then going home. Then I started to miss a Sunday here and there altogether. I stopped going to the church activities and interacting with the sisters in the ward. I’d tell myself I was ok because I had a testimony…I was just semi -inactive. Then I began to feel inadequate and not worthy of receiving the blessings that the gospel and church membership brings. All of those blessings were for those better than me. It even got to the point where I stopped praying because I felt I wasn’t anyone worth listening to, so why would Heavenly Father? I stopped believing that I was redeemable. I had gotten myself into this mess and felt like I had to get myself out of it…alone. I didn’t know where to start.
The road back started with simple conversations with someone who I consider a spiritual giant. He taught me how to pray again. He taught me how to pray ‘Real’. So I started working on that. It felt strange at first. I wondered how Heavenly Father could listen to me. But as time went by I started to feel different. I started listening and I found myself praying all the time. I knew I needed to do more and that I needed to be in a place where I could do more, but where? The Lord answered that prayer too, sending me nearly 1000 miles from my two sons & friends back to where I grew up…Minnesota. I went home to Minnesota not knowing what was in store for me. But the Lord knew. He knew I needed reestablishment with long ago church friends. He knew I needed to start building relationships in a new ward. He knew that I needed to realize that, YES, I was someone of importance, YES, I was worth loving and, YES, I was worth saving. He also knew that this new road I was taking was not going to be easy. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but to lose my employment too….well, blessings do come in strange packages sometimes! I’m learning to rely on the strength my Heavenly Father gives me. I’m learning to ask for the things I need and to realize that if its right…it will be granted. I’m learning to do things the Lord’s way and not my way. I worked to get my temple recommend renewed and have enjoyed going to the temple quite a bit. In fact, I’m quite drawn to it. I find peace inside those temple walls. I’m finding that I read the scriptures more often. I have started devouring church magazines and church books. There are two sentences in a particular book, Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, that really stood out for me. He said,
“Not only must we believe that he is who he says he is, we must also believe that he can do what he says he can do. We must not only believe in Christ, we must also believe Christ when he says he can clean us up and make us celestial.”
Alma 32: 33-37 talks about planting a seed:
33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
What was happening to me? I’ll happily tell you, I started believing Christ and was finding my spiritual self again. That person who I used to be so long ago was returning. I have found that seed and replanted it. I water it daily and watch it grow stronger & stronger. I have learned that I can’t take for granted that I have a testimony, I have to work at it daily. I do know that I am a daughter of God; that He loves me and wants me to succeed. I have learned that YES I am someone of importance, YES, I am worth loving and, YES, I am worth saving.
The Road Back to a Growing Testimony
I’ve always had a testimony. That was never the question. What I didn’t realize is that if I didn’t keep it growing by doing, and by sharing, it would end up hidden on the back of a shelf somewhere. So over the course of 21 years my testimony found its way on a shelf collecting dust. I had chosen a harder road to travel in life (not on purpose) and the consequences became more than I could handle. It started out slow; I went from going to all my church meetings to going to sacrament meeting on Sunday and then going home. Then I started to miss a Sunday here and there altogether. I stopped going to the church activities and interacting with the sisters in the ward. I’d tell myself I was ok because I had a testimony…I was just semi -inactive. Then I began to feel inadequate and not worthy of receiving the blessings that the gospel and church membership brings. All of those blessings were for those better than me. It even got to the point where I stopped praying because I felt I wasn’t anyone worth listening to, so why would Heavenly Father? I stopped believing that I was redeemable. I had gotten myself into this mess and felt like I had to get myself out of it…alone. I didn’t know where to start.
The road back started with simple conversations with someone who I consider a spiritual giant. He taught me how to pray again. He taught me how to pray ‘Real’. So I started working on that. It felt strange at first. I wondered how Heavenly Father could listen to me. But as time went by I started to feel different. I started listening and I found myself praying all the time. I knew I needed to do more and that I needed to be in a place where I could do more, but where? The Lord answered that prayer too, sending me nearly 1000 miles from my two sons & friends back to where I grew up…Minnesota. I went home to Minnesota not knowing what was in store for me. But the Lord knew. He knew I needed reestablishment with long ago church friends. He knew I needed to start building relationships in a new ward. He knew that I needed to realize that, YES, I was someone of importance, YES, I was worth loving and, YES, I was worth saving. He also knew that this new road I was taking was not going to be easy. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but to lose my employment too….well, blessings do come in strange packages sometimes! I’m learning to rely on the strength my Heavenly Father gives me. I’m learning to ask for the things I need and to realize that if its right…it will be granted. I’m learning to do things the Lord’s way and not my way. I worked to get my temple recommend renewed and have enjoyed going to the temple quite a bit. In fact, I’m quite drawn to it. I find peace inside those temple walls. I’m finding that I read the scriptures more often. I have started devouring church magazines and church books. There are two sentences in a particular book, Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, that really stood out for me. He said,
“Not only must we believe that he is who he says he is, we must also believe that he can do what he says he can do. We must not only believe in Christ, we must also believe Christ when he says he can clean us up and make us celestial.”
Alma 32: 33-37 talks about planting a seed:
33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
What was happening to me? I’ll happily tell you, I started believing Christ and was finding my spiritual self again. That person who I used to be so long ago was returning. I have found that seed and replanted it. I water it daily and watch it grow stronger & stronger. I have learned that I can’t take for granted that I have a testimony, I have to work at it daily. I do know that I am a daughter of God; that He loves me and wants me to succeed. I have learned that YES I am someone of importance, YES, I am worth loving and, YES, I am worth saving.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I'm Baaaackkkk!!!!
Yes, I've been gone a long time, nearly 3 months! So much has happened in that 3 months too. First, I think Im finally settling down and getting used to being single. That was rough!! I felt like a total outsider, an undesirable, etc. But Im getting into the swing of it. And I'm learning that being single has its benefits. I can come and go as I please, no one telling me what to do, etc. I get to watch what I want on the TV, eat what I want, clean when I want to (love having it clean!), not pick up after everyone else. That being said....it still has its rough moments...it can be lonely...
OK...what else....ohhhh, this is the shocker....the ex wants me back. Hmmmm...not so sure about that. We have been talking. He admits to being an ASS! He appears to be trying to change. The thing is, I think there's way to much water under the bridge for us. I'm happy that he is working on himself. But at the same time, Im working on myself and I still think we are in two seperate places now. The wonderful thing is, is that he is making amends with his kids. He has really reached out to them. So Im extremely happy about that.
I like living in Minnesota. It feels like home. It will feel even more like home when Im able to find my own place. Im very grateful to be staying here in one one my folks homes...but its not mine. I want MY place. So Im working towards that. Once I no longer have to pay child support and the money starts coming in from the military retirement (yes, thats been a battle...have a crummy lawyer who requested things wrong and its just now straightening out...so hopefully soon) I will look for my own place. Guess I'll rent first, but eventually would like to buy.
I am thinking about my job too. Love my job, but feel disconnected to those in the office. Plus, as much as I like working form home, its lonely. I need some interaction with people. So Im thinking that I may look for a job out here, one with medical benefits (I need it bad!). Then maybe sell my shares to the company and get out of Texas all together. This is all in the thought process right now.
I will post more later...need to get a few things done and I will be back!
OK...what else....ohhhh, this is the shocker....the ex wants me back. Hmmmm...not so sure about that. We have been talking. He admits to being an ASS! He appears to be trying to change. The thing is, I think there's way to much water under the bridge for us. I'm happy that he is working on himself. But at the same time, Im working on myself and I still think we are in two seperate places now. The wonderful thing is, is that he is making amends with his kids. He has really reached out to them. So Im extremely happy about that.
I like living in Minnesota. It feels like home. It will feel even more like home when Im able to find my own place. Im very grateful to be staying here in one one my folks homes...but its not mine. I want MY place. So Im working towards that. Once I no longer have to pay child support and the money starts coming in from the military retirement (yes, thats been a battle...have a crummy lawyer who requested things wrong and its just now straightening out...so hopefully soon) I will look for my own place. Guess I'll rent first, but eventually would like to buy.
I am thinking about my job too. Love my job, but feel disconnected to those in the office. Plus, as much as I like working form home, its lonely. I need some interaction with people. So Im thinking that I may look for a job out here, one with medical benefits (I need it bad!). Then maybe sell my shares to the company and get out of Texas all together. This is all in the thought process right now.
I will post more later...need to get a few things done and I will be back!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!
Its been nearly a month since I've posted. Really dont know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I guess its a normal process for anyone at whatever stage of a divorce. All I can say is....IT SUCKS. I dont regret my decision one bit...was the best thing I ever did. And Im sooo glad he, the unfeeling rock, is not in my life anymore. But man...I was not prepared for all the emotions..its a roller coaster ride. I have way too much time on my hands to think. Being alone sucks...being lonely sucks....the quiet sucks....MY LIFE SUCKS!!! The anxiety over just the past few days is so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe.
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