Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Round Two.....Ding

I thought maybe those dark clouds were going away. Alas, they turned right back around and spewed their furry on me last night. I am trying so hard to be nice..and for what?!?!? Steve and I got into a huge dumping conversation on the front lawn last night. No we weren't yelling or even motioning huge with our arms and hands. But I'm sure it was obvious to the neighbors that something was amiss. Did you know that it's all my fault we're going through all of this...WHAT....I had to laugh. It didn't matter that for years I've been trying to get him to go to counceling, that I've told him over and over he needed to work on his relationship with the kids, that he was losing me. How many times when he asked what I wanted, did I tell him...all I want is you. How many times did I give up on my feelings in order to give him what he wanted. Was he a good provider....yes. Was he good at working on a relationship...no. All he thinks about is that fact that he, and only he, worked hard for the money brought into the family. It doesn't matter that I have a job...it pays way less so it doesn't count. It didn't matter that I stayed home to take care of the kids when they were little and ran a daycare in the home to help provied for this family too. Nothing I provided counted because it wasn't as much he he brought in. He's furious because the state says I am to recieve 1/2 of his retirement during the marital years of his military career, 1/2 of all the financial accounts. Was I not part of this martial union...did I not work just as hard? Then he liked rubbing in that I couldn't afford the house on my own. That's when reality set in. I can't afford it on my own. I MAKE NOTHING!!! This really sucks, he can continue living hardly scathed and I will be scrapping. And to top it all off, my lawyer said that with my income I couldn't afford a house, at least the one we're in. The one that I tried to make a home. The one that IS home to myself and Alex. Steve wins again....

I supported Steve through school. He had no credit until we got together, he built his off of mine. It was my idea for him to go back into the military full time, he was only working 2 security part time jobs at the time. Where would we be if I hadn't suggested this. I'm not saying where we are is becasue of me alone...but I did have a part in it. I wasn't useless...I participated...I worked to make a marriage union of two people becoming 'one'. So why is it that I walk away the broken one....

My head hurts...time for a break. I'm heading up to minnesota to spend a week with the family. Seven glorious days of trying not to think about anything but having fun.

I am worth something...aren't I.....

2 comments:

Mimi said...

Our Lord made you. Our Lord made you worth everything.

I know this is so hard, but Steve is a wounded bear. You have harmed his ego & pocketbook. Enjoy your family & let him stew all by himself.

Queenie Jeannie said...

Pam got it right, as usual.

You are loved - and that is priceless. You never know what is around the corner, so try to keep your head up - ok??