The last week has been eventful. After making the decision to go to Minnesota, all the peices have just been falling into place. I actually started packing a few boxes the other day.

The next biggest hurdle to get over was the informal mediation that was set between Steve & I and our lawyers. This was held yesterday. I was so nervous. I really had no idea what to expect. Once my lawyer got there, Steve and his lawyer came in. Here's what's so funny. Steve's lawyer was so nice (I really liked her) and Steve came in with a chip on his shoulder. I had to bite my lip from cracking up. So anyway, his lawyer presents some items to us that they had discussed and they leave the room so my lawyer and I could talk. Steve made a feeble attempt at having me not pay child support. There's always a catch with him. He wanted me to give up my 1/2 of the military retirement for that year I would have paid child support. NOT happening. that amount was more than the child support....I'll pay the child support. Then he wanted me to give up my portion of the equity in hte home to pay back the investment he made in my company. Once again...NOT happening. He though he could get away with being given the entire amount back. Between my lawyer and his, it was stresses that this was a community property state so 1/2 the money invested was mine. Steve was livid. If looks could kill.....well I died many times. So he had to settle with only 1/2 which left me with a small chunk of equity in the home. So they offered to pay it back to me with more shares in our mutual funds. I accepted because in the long run when those shares start growing again...it will outweigh them piddly ammount of equity I had in the home. Everything else was split 50/50. I had to take a leap of faith ( I felted prompted that this was ok) of theissue of getting my name off the loan for the house. Steve will get a Release of Liability from the VA for me as soon as the divorce is final. If for some reason it falls through then he will go imediately to his lawyer and get a special deed of liability (which I have a copy of in case it needs to be filed with the court). this will protect me in that if he misses one payment on the house I can step in and kick him out. So at the end of the day...I feel mediation was very sucessful. I have to move out of the house no latter that 7/15/09. Wow ..I gotta get in gear!!!! I amd reall happy. I feel like the Lord had his hand in what went on. I feel like I can move on now.

Im so excited to move into my folks Apple Valley home. They have decided to stay in Blaine and I get to use the entire house, decorate, etc. So at least I'll be there a year. Hopefully I'll know what Im dong by then.

Sooo the best part is.....in 30 days....IM FREE!!!!!!! Steve's lawyer is filing the final decree on monday and she is preparing the quadro's. She's actually saving me tons of money. And I am sooo thankful for that.

So now I'm getting my self organized and getting all my ducks in a row. it would be ideal for me to move out by 7/1. That's when I have no more responsiblilty in any of the house payments.

Well...I off to enjoy my feeling of freedom and go pick Matt up at the airport!!!!!!

Sunday June 7, 2009

Wow! Things sure change in a blink of an eye. I know the decisoin I made to move out and let Alex stay with Steve is right. I knowe this because the Lord has whispered to my soul that Im to go to Minnesota. Im moving back home!!! I feel so much peace. And it's funny because all of a sudden past friends, whom I haven't seen in 26 years, are all crawling out of the woodwork. I didn't first start looking for them.....they found me!! It feels so good to be doing what I know the Lord wants of me. I have no idea why Im to go home..but something is in store for me.

I will come back and finish this posting in a bit. Im off to church. Ohhh pray that my fingers don't feel like hitting any key they want to on the piano...last week was sheer torture....LOL!

Here's the Scoop...at least some of it =)

Ok sooooo, I have made some huge decisions. Some sad, some good. The first decision I had to make was that I had to say goodbye to two internet friends. In the whole scheme of things I had to decide if they brought me up or brought me down. I love them to death and I mourn terribly for them, but in the long run...I am so better off without their influence right now. I had put off doing this for way too long. I know once the pain and the tears subside...I will be ok.

The second decision I made has finally brought peace to my confused core. I have gone back and forth so many times concerning the house. Yes I want it..no I don't want it...maybe I want it...etc. I am NOT keeping the house. I am not going to buy right now either. I am going to rent for at least 6 months while I get my feet back on the ground.

The third decision actually came with prayer...not that the others didn't...but this one was a struggle. However, I know I'm doing the right thing. Alex has said that he wants to stay in the house...I'm going to let he stay with Steve. Steve is coming around and trying to build a better relationship with the boys. I think he will discipline in a right manner than before. Alex is having a rough time right now. He's become very disrepectful to me and is just beligerant. He needs a stronger hand right now. Alex has me too wrapped around his finger and knows I'll cave in (especially when he gets angry). So I talked it over with Steve and now we're going to tell Alex tomorrow.

I now will be the one paying child support. I will always do my share where my kids are concerned. It just seems funny when I make a quarter of what Steve makes and yet I have to pay child support. Steve could support him no problem on his own. I'm not complaining...just think its funny.

I will be able to widen my search area now for a place to live. I want to stay within my Ward boundaries at church but at least it opens the area of looking a bit. So I am at peace with these decisions and I look forward to packing!

The good thing that's going on I will talk about at a later date. But I will say I'm happy because I have finally figured out who I am and that I do have worth to others! Im sure I will have the occassional melt-down, but I will pick myself up and move forward.

Is the Light Finally Visible at the End of the Tunnel...

I don't have time this morning...as I am on my way out the door to go to church. This has been a sad but yet an interesting week that leaves me feeling both sorrow and excitiment. I know it makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. I will post later today about it...at least some of it.

LISTEN

I found this thought today and wanted to share:

Listening to your heart, finding out who you are, is not simple. It takes time for the chatter to quiet down. In the silence of "not doing" we begin to know what we feel. If we listen and hear what is being offered, then anything in life can be our guide. Listen.


Today I had someone dear to me say something that really made me stop and think. "You need to remember that you are a someone not a something."

I have felt like a 'something' for so long. For way too long. I started thinking about my life as it was back in my 20's...a good time when I was 'someone' and how good it felt. A time when I was free to be me and was accepted as me. The time before I let someone take over my feelings of self worth. I may have had my own visions of self-doubt but not strong enough to feel like I was only a 'something'.

I have the greatest friends...my best friend... my friends at work...my internet buddies...who have all supported me in the never-ending struggle to be acknowledged as someone of worth.

Shame on me for letting one individual bring me down to the point of hopelessness.

Tonight I have renewed faith in myself. I will push forward and fight with all my might to be the 'someone' that I am.

Rudely Awaken...

It's 4:06 am and I'm wide awake Actually I was rudely awoken. We've had lots of storms go through here the last 24 hours and our security system to the house freaked. I woke up to it blarring in my ear. I run down to the key pad (never even stopping to think that maybe someone could've broken in) and enter the code...nothing, alarm still blarring. I try again a few times...nothing...(at this point Gizmo is freaking and Steve & Alex are just starring at me). I call ADT and am on hold for at least 5 minutes with the alarm going off!!! (Really glad we weren't getting broken into). Course they tell me I'll have to unscrew the main plug and pull the wires off the back up battery. Who knows where a screwdriver is at this time of morning So she's walking me through the steps....and the phone dies...(I sense Murphys Law kicking in ) I did manage to get the alarm system turned off. Now I'm awake and can't go back to sleep. I just went to bed a couple of hours ago. I sense a nice long nap in the afternoon.

WHAT???

Wow...yesterday was an eye opener. You think you know someone and then their true colors come out. You show kindness...bend over backwards, just to be spoken to in a very disrespectful way. Leaves me speachless. I think the bridge on that one just got burned. I'm discovering I'm way too believing of people. Will be on my guard from now on.