Saturday, February 19, 2011

Personal Revelation

I posted this to a group of amazing friends I communicate with on the internet. Some day I hope to meet them all.

This is what’s going on with me right now.

Do you believe in second chances? I do…always have. Let me start by saying that I’ve had some great insights as to why I’m here in Minnesota and why certain people cross my path. You all know that I needed to move miles away from the situation I had been living in for so long. But I’ve always wondered what the whole reason was as to why here so far away from where my children call home.

The last several weeks have been inspiring for me. I knew I needed to be with people who loved me and believed what I do. I’ve grown very close to several of my friends here. They, along with all those I’ve come in contact with, have helped me through a rough time. I have grown immensely. I needed to learn that I could stand on my own two feet...that I was of worth. I needed to find my spiritual side again.

I always wondered why I was led to a job that was temporary and why I have felt like I needed to be there since the future in this job is unsecure. I’ve had some strong moments of enlightenment while being at the VA. It’s been wonderful to receive the boost of confidence I’ve gotten there. To have my supervisors tell me they appreciate my work and my work ethic is a great feeling. It has been a long time since I’ve heard these kinds of comments. I liked what I did in TX but I really felt taken advantage of.
I made, what I thought was a good friend, at work. She has her quirks. I wouldn’t say she’s stuck up but she is very self-centered and self motivated. She has been going through a nasty divorce and child custody issues. She has cried numerous times on my shoulder and I have been there for her. I haven’t agreed with how she handles a lot of things and she knew this. But I was there to support her. What really bothered me was that she could only talk about herself and all her woes, how everyone else was wrong and making her life miserable. She never had time to talk about what someone else might need to talk about. She’s bitter, revengeful, and unforgiving, and she thinks she’s always right. I say all these things not to put her down but to describe what I see. I normally don’t make friends with negative people but for some reason she & I became friends or at least good work acquaintances. Well a few weeks ago she quit talking to me. She said that since I didn’t like her boyfriend (who’s cheating on her and stringing her along) she just couldn’t remain my friend….All I ever said was that she deserved someone who treated her better. She said that I was jealous and mad at her for having a boyfriend since I had no one in my life…..Really?!?!?! ? I tell you now that I don’t miss the friendship which never really was a friendship. I’ve been wondering why she came into my life. It hit me the other day why. She is exactly what I didn’t want to become! I don’t want to hate for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get even. I don’t want to hang onto things that are so small to the whole big picture of my life. The inspiration I received was that I was on the right track and that I was nothing like her. I have forgiven Steve for the turmoil our marriage had become. I have been able to remember all the good times and smile & laugh at these memories.

Now that I have given a lengthy intro into what’s been up with me, this is the point I’m getting too….Steve and I have been talking a lot lately. Talking about things that happened and how we’ve learned and grown from it. September a year ago he called sobbing with the recognition that he had messed up. He wanted me to come home. I certainly wasn’t ready for that or wanting it. Instead of walking away he sat back quietly while I found myself, while I healed. He didn’t turn hard and run. I can tell he’s grown a lot and acknowledges the mistakes he made. And I have learned that a relationship isn’t one sided in fault. What I mean by that is I may not have been the one who cheated, etc. but I had changed. I wasn’t the woman he married. I became closed off, scared, insecure, etc. (Yes the situation had a lot to do with it but I didn’t stand up for myself for many years). It’s not about who did what, it’s about the fact that we let it happen. Anyway…so yes Steve and I are talking and getting our toes a little wet into seeing if we can get back together. There is no rush into anything. We’re taking it one day at a time. He’s going to visit his mom next month and is going to drive up here for a day to visit me (she lives 3 hours from me).

I seriously would like to see us get back together with a fresh start. I do miss how thing were when we first met. We were inseparable. We did everything together. We laughed and were goofy together.


Queenie Jeannie said...

Wow! That IS big news!!!

Just be careful, tread softly and follow your gut. YOU know what's right for you. If nothing else, forgiveness and a better relationship will help you both and your sons.

Hugs and best wishes!

Mimi said...

Your new blog layout looks fantastic! And I'm so excited the the changes God is making in your life.

Hugs & love,