I posted this to a group of amazing friends I communicate with on the internet. Some day I hope to meet them all.
This is what’s going on with me right now.
Do you believe in second chances? I do…always have. Let me start by saying that I’ve had some great insights as to why I’m here in Minnesota and why certain people cross my path. You all know that I needed to move miles away from the situation I had been living in for so long. But I’ve always wondered what the whole reason was as to why here so far away from where my children call home.
The last several weeks have been inspiring for me. I knew I needed to be with people who loved me and believed what I do. I’ve grown very close to several of my friends here. They, along with all those I’ve come in contact with, have helped me through a rough time. I have grown immensely. I needed to learn that I could stand on my own two feet...that I was of worth. I needed to find my spiritual side again.
I always wondered why I was led to a job that was temporary and why I have felt like I needed to be there since the future in this job is unsecure. I’ve had some strong moments of enlightenment while being at the VA. It’s been wonderful to receive the boost of confidence I’ve gotten there. To have my supervisors tell me they appreciate my work and my work ethic is a great feeling. It has been a long time since I’ve heard these kinds of comments. I liked what I did in TX but I really felt taken advantage of.
I made, what I thought was a good friend, at work. She has her quirks. I wouldn’t say she’s stuck up but she is very self-centered and self motivated. She has been going through a nasty divorce and child custody issues. She has cried numerous times on my shoulder and I have been there for her. I haven’t agreed with how she handles a lot of things and she knew this. But I was there to support her. What really bothered me was that she could only talk about herself and all her woes, how everyone else was wrong and making her life miserable. She never had time to talk about what someone else might need to talk about. She’s bitter, revengeful, and unforgiving, and she thinks she’s always right. I say all these things not to put her down but to describe what I see. I normally don’t make friends with negative people but for some reason she & I became friends or at least good work acquaintances. Well a few weeks ago she quit talking to me. She said that since I didn’t like her boyfriend (who’s cheating on her and stringing her along) she just couldn’t remain my friend….All I ever said was that she deserved someone who treated her better. She said that I was jealous and mad at her for having a boyfriend since I had no one in my life…..Really?!?!?! ? I tell you now that I don’t miss the friendship which never really was a friendship. I’ve been wondering why she came into my life. It hit me the other day why. She is exactly what I didn’t want to become! I don’t want to hate for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get even. I don’t want to hang onto things that are so small to the whole big picture of my life. The inspiration I received was that I was on the right track and that I was nothing like her. I have forgiven Steve for the turmoil our marriage had become. I have been able to remember all the good times and smile & laugh at these memories.
Now that I have given a lengthy intro into what’s been up with me, this is the point I’m getting too….Steve and I have been talking a lot lately. Talking about things that happened and how we’ve learned and grown from it. September a year ago he called sobbing with the recognition that he had messed up. He wanted me to come home. I certainly wasn’t ready for that or wanting it. Instead of walking away he sat back quietly while I found myself, while I healed. He didn’t turn hard and run. I can tell he’s grown a lot and acknowledges the mistakes he made. And I have learned that a relationship isn’t one sided in fault. What I mean by that is I may not have been the one who cheated, etc. but I had changed. I wasn’t the woman he married. I became closed off, scared, insecure, etc. (Yes the situation had a lot to do with it but I didn’t stand up for myself for many years). It’s not about who did what, it’s about the fact that we let it happen. Anyway…so yes Steve and I are talking and getting our toes a little wet into seeing if we can get back together. There is no rush into anything. We’re taking it one day at a time. He’s going to visit his mom next month and is going to drive up here for a day to visit me (she lives 3 hours from me).
I seriously would like to see us get back together with a fresh start. I do miss how thing were when we first met. We were inseparable. We did everything together. We laughed and were goofy together.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Update on my saga's
Ok, so I've been at my job almost 3 months now. I really like what I'm doing. It may only be a project with a deadline, may be tedious, but I like it. Computer and paperwork are my friend. As long as I don't have to answer phones.....I'm happy. I don't know how long I will be employed at the VA. We were told 2 years...but no one read the fine print of the contract with the temp agency. Apparently we can only be employed for no longer than 240 days. Big difference from 2 years! I really felt that first day on the job that I was supposed to be there. I've been trying to follow the inspiration and guidance of my Heavenly Father. I'm confused as to why I'm supposed to be there since it's just temporary. I need a permanent job badly. I need the security of knowing I have a job. I'm too old to be going from job to job. So Im scared....real scared. Maybe I'm there so that I can get some Minnesota references..I dont know. But none-the-less Im there.
Now, as much as I like my job, it has its downfall. For some reason I am being ostrisized by a few people. The very people I started with. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did to deserve this. Three of us had been going to lunch and breaks together. Then one morning it all changed. I was given excuse after excuse as to why they werent going on break with me that day. Funy thing is, I would never socialize with these girls outside of work. They do not have the same standards I do. Not saying they're bad people, I just don't drink, smoke, cuss, sleep around etc. But as coworkers and as temps we have something in common. I tell myself that it doesnt matter....and it doesnt. But the fact is, even at 50 years of age.....I do have feelings! I dont like the feeling of being left out or being treated like I don't exist (certainly got enough of that in my marriage). It makes me very self conscious. Sooo, then why am I supposed to be there??? What am I to learn??? Am I there for me or maybe to help someone else??? I dont know. I guess I need to start praying for the answer. In the meantime I need to keep looking for another job just in case this one ends sooner than later.
So last night I had an unpleasant experience. One of my good friends had day surgery. She is miserable at the moment. I do understand that. I called her to see how she was doing. Having had some of the same stuff done myself I was giving her some tips on how to make it better. All of a sudden she starts yelling at her mother who was saying something to her in the background. You know, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didnt. I told my friend to take a deep breath, calm down and not yell at her mother. She said, in an ugly tone, "well she's bugging me." I knew her mother was standing right there and I knew that it had to hurt to have your daughter yelling at you. At least it would hurt me. So I reminded my friend that she was her mother. My friend got mad at me and said she was letting me go because she was a terrible sick person (meaning she was in a bad mood) and was not good company. I told her I was sorry that it was just hard for me to hear someone yell at a parent. And that was the end of the conversation. Should I have kept my mouth shut??? Fact is, this friend has gotten snippy with her mom several times while in the company of others and it really irritates me. Hopefully it will blow over.
I've been dealing with one other obstacle too. Im still having a hard time being alone. Yes I have my family and friends around. Im talking about being ALONE. I want someone in my life. I want the right person in my life. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to be loved back. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I got it wrong the first time. But now being 50...will I have the opportunity to get it right. Some days are harder than others. Some days the walls seem to be caving in on me. I put on a good front to others but inside I feel like I'm dying. I know...hang in there....sigh.....sometimes it just seems too hard.
On a brighter note, Alex is coming to see me for a week at the end of the month. I'm way excited. I'll have to work during the day but we will have the evenings and the weekend to be together. He heads off to Marine Corps boot camp in August. Having both my kids in the military...oye! Im proud of them but I scared.
Now, as much as I like my job, it has its downfall. For some reason I am being ostrisized by a few people. The very people I started with. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did to deserve this. Three of us had been going to lunch and breaks together. Then one morning it all changed. I was given excuse after excuse as to why they werent going on break with me that day. Funy thing is, I would never socialize with these girls outside of work. They do not have the same standards I do. Not saying they're bad people, I just don't drink, smoke, cuss, sleep around etc. But as coworkers and as temps we have something in common. I tell myself that it doesnt matter....and it doesnt. But the fact is, even at 50 years of age.....I do have feelings! I dont like the feeling of being left out or being treated like I don't exist (certainly got enough of that in my marriage). It makes me very self conscious. Sooo, then why am I supposed to be there??? What am I to learn??? Am I there for me or maybe to help someone else??? I dont know. I guess I need to start praying for the answer. In the meantime I need to keep looking for another job just in case this one ends sooner than later.
So last night I had an unpleasant experience. One of my good friends had day surgery. She is miserable at the moment. I do understand that. I called her to see how she was doing. Having had some of the same stuff done myself I was giving her some tips on how to make it better. All of a sudden she starts yelling at her mother who was saying something to her in the background. You know, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didnt. I told my friend to take a deep breath, calm down and not yell at her mother. She said, in an ugly tone, "well she's bugging me." I knew her mother was standing right there and I knew that it had to hurt to have your daughter yelling at you. At least it would hurt me. So I reminded my friend that she was her mother. My friend got mad at me and said she was letting me go because she was a terrible sick person (meaning she was in a bad mood) and was not good company. I told her I was sorry that it was just hard for me to hear someone yell at a parent. And that was the end of the conversation. Should I have kept my mouth shut??? Fact is, this friend has gotten snippy with her mom several times while in the company of others and it really irritates me. Hopefully it will blow over.
I've been dealing with one other obstacle too. Im still having a hard time being alone. Yes I have my family and friends around. Im talking about being ALONE. I want someone in my life. I want the right person in my life. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to be loved back. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I got it wrong the first time. But now being 50...will I have the opportunity to get it right. Some days are harder than others. Some days the walls seem to be caving in on me. I put on a good front to others but inside I feel like I'm dying. I know...hang in there....sigh.....sometimes it just seems too hard.
On a brighter note, Alex is coming to see me for a week at the end of the month. I'm way excited. I'll have to work during the day but we will have the evenings and the weekend to be together. He heads off to Marine Corps boot camp in August. Having both my kids in the military...oye! Im proud of them but I scared.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
It's been a great weekend!
This has been a peaceful weekend thus far. Yesterday I woke up and decided I wanted to go to an early movie. Chose to see 'Letters to God'. OMG, very touching and uplifting. It's about a little boy who has brain cancer. He writes letters to God daily. These letters don't just help him, but help those around him too. The postman, who has some struggles of his own, is affected greatly and turns his life around. The boy writes a letter to a classmate who has made fun of him. He tells the classmate that he forgives him because he knows that the boy just doesnt understand what he is going through. The letter turns the classmate around. And so it goes....
One part of the movie effected me a lot. He tells his mom that God chose her to be his mother. It made me think a lot. I have always felt I wasnt the greatest mother. So many things I wish I could do over. Well, God chose me to be my boys mother. They were (and are) special for me.....I was special for them. Im not perfect and God knows this. But with His help I raised my boys the best I could.
Great movie...I recommend it to everyone.
Came home from the movie and did the usual....laundry, clean, etc. Then I sat back and relaxed by catching up on all those DVR'd shows/movies I had. I watched the movie about the Amish community that was changed by a gunman who killed some school girls in the school. The main message in the movie was forgiveness. The main character in the movie was a mother of one of the girls killed. She had no desire to forgive and didn't understand how any of the others could forgive. It turned around for her when she learned her daughter had told the gunman that she would pray for him. She forgave him for what he was doing. Powerful message.
Went to church this morning and had a wonderful lesson in sunday school about charity. Also had a good lesson in relief society about prayer. I feel full today...I like feeling like this. I also chatted with one of the ladies in the ward about Emma Smith. She is so knowledgeable about Joseph and Emma Smith. She gave a presentation a few weeks back (she has been all over giving this presentation) about Emma Smith. I have been entrigued by Emma ever since I heard this presentation. I had some questions, which she answered but she also gave me insight into the sealing of my boys. I'm feeling peace.
I think I will get a church history book and do some more learnin'.
I like where I am right now with myself. I know Im heading in the right direction and it feels good. It hasnt been easy the past year but it's getting better. I have the tools to push forward and to stay on the right path.
One part of the movie effected me a lot. He tells his mom that God chose her to be his mother. It made me think a lot. I have always felt I wasnt the greatest mother. So many things I wish I could do over. Well, God chose me to be my boys mother. They were (and are) special for me.....I was special for them. Im not perfect and God knows this. But with His help I raised my boys the best I could.
Great movie...I recommend it to everyone.
Came home from the movie and did the usual....laundry, clean, etc. Then I sat back and relaxed by catching up on all those DVR'd shows/movies I had. I watched the movie about the Amish community that was changed by a gunman who killed some school girls in the school. The main message in the movie was forgiveness. The main character in the movie was a mother of one of the girls killed. She had no desire to forgive and didn't understand how any of the others could forgive. It turned around for her when she learned her daughter had told the gunman that she would pray for him. She forgave him for what he was doing. Powerful message.
Went to church this morning and had a wonderful lesson in sunday school about charity. Also had a good lesson in relief society about prayer. I feel full today...I like feeling like this. I also chatted with one of the ladies in the ward about Emma Smith. She is so knowledgeable about Joseph and Emma Smith. She gave a presentation a few weeks back (she has been all over giving this presentation) about Emma Smith. I have been entrigued by Emma ever since I heard this presentation. I had some questions, which she answered but she also gave me insight into the sealing of my boys. I'm feeling peace.
I think I will get a church history book and do some more learnin'.
I like where I am right now with myself. I know Im heading in the right direction and it feels good. It hasnt been easy the past year but it's getting better. I have the tools to push forward and to stay on the right path.
Monday, April 12, 2010
A New Week
Got my insurance cards today...woohoo!!!! No longer uninsured, its such a great feeling. Now I can go to the doctor and have my meds changed up....allergies are killing me! I forgot how bad they were up here. I got used to them down in Texas and my meds worked. But they sure dont work here!
I completed a home project...no laughing....I fixed the toilet....yep all by myself!! LOL :)
Small accomplishments excite me (oh boy!)
Jeannie - Yes Matt is deployed. He has been in Afghanistan since December. And Im ready for him to come home!!!
Ok, the weekend was ok. I thoroughly enjoyed my temple trip. The dinner/variety show was only ok. But I need to go to more of them so I get to know people. Then it will feel like a lot more fun.
This has been a flyby...but has been a good day!
I completed a home project...no laughing....I fixed the toilet....yep all by myself!! LOL :)
Small accomplishments excite me (oh boy!)
Jeannie - Yes Matt is deployed. He has been in Afghanistan since December. And Im ready for him to come home!!!
Ok, the weekend was ok. I thoroughly enjoyed my temple trip. The dinner/variety show was only ok. But I need to go to more of them so I get to know people. Then it will feel like a lot more fun.
This has been a flyby...but has been a good day!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Why is it?.......
Why is it that people judge others by their weight? More specifically, why do MEN judge us women by our weight? This has been the attitude of men for years...excluding a very few, who happen to have hearts. I have been judged all my life for being overweight. There were times where I was at a (what society calls) a normal weight. But because of the self image I learned to have throughout my life....I never felt 'Normal'. I look at those pictures now and dream of being that weight again. What's real sad is that when I was 'normal', I couldnt see it....all I saw was a fat person looking back at me. This is what I was always told I was. I remember being a young teen, maybe 13 or 14, and being told that no one would want me if I didnt lose some weight. Although I have forgiven this person for what was said....it has affected how I feel about myself. A few months ago, I ran into an old friend. This person was shocked at the weight I had gained since the last time they saw me. Had I been this weight back then....they would not have even looked at me. I AM THE SAME PERSON ON THE INSIDE WHETHER IM UNDERWEIGHT, NORMAL OR OVERWEIGHT. Why can't these people get that throught their screwed up heads!!
And this bugs me too....why do women, who obviously have their weight under control, constantly say things like "oh, I need to lose 5 lbs..I feel so fat"....WHAT!!! Ok, maybe they have the same self image problem I have. But it still bugs me. However....I dont think they're less of a person.
All I know is that I want to feel excepted for who I am because of what I am on the inside. Please dont judge me because I have a weight issue.
And this bugs me too....why do women, who obviously have their weight under control, constantly say things like "oh, I need to lose 5 lbs..I feel so fat"....WHAT!!! Ok, maybe they have the same self image problem I have. But it still bugs me. However....I dont think they're less of a person.
All I know is that I want to feel excepted for who I am because of what I am on the inside. Please dont judge me because I have a weight issue.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F., I'm so glad I can say that! And I was ready for it yesterday. I'm exhausted....my brain that is..LOL! Working on a project with a July 1st deadline. There are 5 of us that are working on it exclusively. But Im the only one putting 8 hours a day on it. The other four are students so they do as much as school will allow them too. So there is no down time. But that's good, makes for a busy and fast day!!! I cant believe I've been there for 3 weeks already!
Going to the Temple at 3:00 today. It's the monthly singles temple day. Today is also a mini conference which started at 10:00, but I couldnt leave Gizmo alone, penned up, all day again. He deserves my time too. So Im skipping the morning half and going to the late afternoon & evening activites.
I went to the temple Wednesday night. I enjoy going by myself. I think I will go every Wed. I get so much out of it. And its a good feeling. Plus I stop by the church bookstore on the way. I love that store, so this could be dangerous for me!
Alex called to tell me about his track meet he had last night. He didnt place in either of the hurdle events, but what he did do was run 2 personal bests!!! He is so happy about that and Im proud of him. He did take 2nd in the 4x4! This was a hard meet for his team. They were up against one of the best teams. GO ALEX!!!
Chatted with Matt for a few last night. He doesnt say much since he cant talk about what they're doing. But he gets a sense of peace just knowing that his mama is on the other end of the instant message. And it gives me peace too! Cant wait until he gets back on US soil.
I'll have to finish this days posting later as I still need to experience this day :)
Going to the Temple at 3:00 today. It's the monthly singles temple day. Today is also a mini conference which started at 10:00, but I couldnt leave Gizmo alone, penned up, all day again. He deserves my time too. So Im skipping the morning half and going to the late afternoon & evening activites.
I went to the temple Wednesday night. I enjoy going by myself. I think I will go every Wed. I get so much out of it. And its a good feeling. Plus I stop by the church bookstore on the way. I love that store, so this could be dangerous for me!
Alex called to tell me about his track meet he had last night. He didnt place in either of the hurdle events, but what he did do was run 2 personal bests!!! He is so happy about that and Im proud of him. He did take 2nd in the 4x4! This was a hard meet for his team. They were up against one of the best teams. GO ALEX!!!
Chatted with Matt for a few last night. He doesnt say much since he cant talk about what they're doing. But he gets a sense of peace just knowing that his mama is on the other end of the instant message. And it gives me peace too! Cant wait until he gets back on US soil.
I'll have to finish this days posting later as I still need to experience this day :)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Sunday
Today was General Conference. I watched it on BYU TV. Was very good! Loved President Monson's words.
I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....
Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.
Here are some pictures of him growing up.
I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....
Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.
Here are some pictures of him growing up.
A Miraculous Change - Part 3
It finally arrived! The check I have been waiting for....for nine months. My portion of the military retirement. I had to fight hard to get it going. Having a real lousy lawyer, who practically did nothing, cost me months of pay. That being said.....the Ex did sent me some of it throughout these months. But he still owes me. We had discussed that once we knew the amount he would send the rest. Hmmmm......seems he wants to change his mind. He says he knows he owes me but he seems to think that this is in addition to the income that I was supposed to be getting. He thinks that the child support should be raised. I reminded him that the support was figured out by the courts based on what I made. So now he wants to fight. I hung up from that phone call a mess. I hadnt cried that hard in a very long time. Later I talked to a good friend who said to let it go. I had a job, the retirement was coming in now....it wasnt worth it. I thought about that a lot the next day. I also had posted a comment on facebook saying..."the question is....do I continue to fight or let go??" Another friend of mine, who knows nothing of the situation, posted this reply..."depends on what you are fighting for. If it's a rightous desire, hang in there. If not, let go. Continue to pray for assistance." Well, it hit me....that's twice I've been told to let it go. So I continued to push it around in my head. This is what I'm going to do.....LET IT GO. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today. I'm happy. I dont cry at night anymore. I like who I am becoming. And things are falling into place. Yes I know there are still obstacles to get over (such as getting my name off the house) but Im happy. When the Ex and I talked, it brought all those horrible feelings back up...I hadnt felt like that it several months. Im not going back there...to painful and so not worth it! Im not starting all over with another lawyer.....its not worth it! I'm letting go. If he choses to pay me what he owes me, that's great. If he doesn't, it's on his conscience. The money isn't worth taking any steps backward!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A Miraculous Change - Part 2
So much has happened in the work area. I no longer get work or a pay check from the company down in Texas. To be honest...Im getting screwed on the whole thing, considering Im the majority share holder. Trying to sell my shares and get out of it. If that doesnt happen...the company will have to fold. That being said.....I'M HAPPY. One of the best things that could ever happen to me. I needed to cut ties from that place and work where I felt appreciated. And also work in the State that I live in. I immediately put my resume out there and also had various temps agencies looking for me. It sucks out there. So many people out of jobs. I interviewed at an Eye clinic....seemed ok, but was glad they chose someone else....wasnt quite what I was looking for. I then interviewed at an orthopedic facility to work in the office....I loved it. I so wanted the job. I felt it was made for me. I prayed and prayed real hard that it would come through for me. But I also prayed that I would find the 'RIGHT' job. One that would make me happy. One where I felt a sense of accomplishment. One that the Lord knew was best for me and my situation. I got a call from a temp agency based in Kansas. They were hiring for the VA in Minneapolis. What were the chances that I would get on there...LOL. I applied and did the background check. I wasnt really into getting this job. I wanted the orthopedic job, but they hadnt made a decision yet. Time was running out, so I took the VA job. The Lord knew what he was doing. I love the job. Im working in the accounting/billing department. Its a long term temp job.....2 years. This gives me plenty of time to maybe find a permanent position at the VA. The dept Im working in is relocating to Ft. Leavenworth. But there's always the HR dept. The people are real nice. I feel very comfortable there. Ohhhh....and one of the best things......I get free medical, dental, and vision!!!!! No more worries of being uninsured. ANd I love my hours. Here is one the the best benefits.....talking to the veterans on my breaks. I realize I need their smile as much as they need mine. Can you tell Im happy!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A Miraculous Change - Part 1
My life has taken a miraculous turn. I will post these changes throughout the weekend. I first want to post an article I was asked to write for a friends Relief Society newsletter. It puts in a nutshell what I have been through. Here is my article.
The Road Back to a Growing Testimony
I’ve always had a testimony. That was never the question. What I didn’t realize is that if I didn’t keep it growing by doing, and by sharing, it would end up hidden on the back of a shelf somewhere. So over the course of 21 years my testimony found its way on a shelf collecting dust. I had chosen a harder road to travel in life (not on purpose) and the consequences became more than I could handle. It started out slow; I went from going to all my church meetings to going to sacrament meeting on Sunday and then going home. Then I started to miss a Sunday here and there altogether. I stopped going to the church activities and interacting with the sisters in the ward. I’d tell myself I was ok because I had a testimony…I was just semi -inactive. Then I began to feel inadequate and not worthy of receiving the blessings that the gospel and church membership brings. All of those blessings were for those better than me. It even got to the point where I stopped praying because I felt I wasn’t anyone worth listening to, so why would Heavenly Father? I stopped believing that I was redeemable. I had gotten myself into this mess and felt like I had to get myself out of it…alone. I didn’t know where to start.
The road back started with simple conversations with someone who I consider a spiritual giant. He taught me how to pray again. He taught me how to pray ‘Real’. So I started working on that. It felt strange at first. I wondered how Heavenly Father could listen to me. But as time went by I started to feel different. I started listening and I found myself praying all the time. I knew I needed to do more and that I needed to be in a place where I could do more, but where? The Lord answered that prayer too, sending me nearly 1000 miles from my two sons & friends back to where I grew up…Minnesota. I went home to Minnesota not knowing what was in store for me. But the Lord knew. He knew I needed reestablishment with long ago church friends. He knew I needed to start building relationships in a new ward. He knew that I needed to realize that, YES, I was someone of importance, YES, I was worth loving and, YES, I was worth saving. He also knew that this new road I was taking was not going to be easy. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but to lose my employment too….well, blessings do come in strange packages sometimes! I’m learning to rely on the strength my Heavenly Father gives me. I’m learning to ask for the things I need and to realize that if its right…it will be granted. I’m learning to do things the Lord’s way and not my way. I worked to get my temple recommend renewed and have enjoyed going to the temple quite a bit. In fact, I’m quite drawn to it. I find peace inside those temple walls. I’m finding that I read the scriptures more often. I have started devouring church magazines and church books. There are two sentences in a particular book, Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, that really stood out for me. He said,
“Not only must we believe that he is who he says he is, we must also believe that he can do what he says he can do. We must not only believe in Christ, we must also believe Christ when he says he can clean us up and make us celestial.”
Alma 32: 33-37 talks about planting a seed:
33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
What was happening to me? I’ll happily tell you, I started believing Christ and was finding my spiritual self again. That person who I used to be so long ago was returning. I have found that seed and replanted it. I water it daily and watch it grow stronger & stronger. I have learned that I can’t take for granted that I have a testimony, I have to work at it daily. I do know that I am a daughter of God; that He loves me and wants me to succeed. I have learned that YES I am someone of importance, YES, I am worth loving and, YES, I am worth saving.
The Road Back to a Growing Testimony
I’ve always had a testimony. That was never the question. What I didn’t realize is that if I didn’t keep it growing by doing, and by sharing, it would end up hidden on the back of a shelf somewhere. So over the course of 21 years my testimony found its way on a shelf collecting dust. I had chosen a harder road to travel in life (not on purpose) and the consequences became more than I could handle. It started out slow; I went from going to all my church meetings to going to sacrament meeting on Sunday and then going home. Then I started to miss a Sunday here and there altogether. I stopped going to the church activities and interacting with the sisters in the ward. I’d tell myself I was ok because I had a testimony…I was just semi -inactive. Then I began to feel inadequate and not worthy of receiving the blessings that the gospel and church membership brings. All of those blessings were for those better than me. It even got to the point where I stopped praying because I felt I wasn’t anyone worth listening to, so why would Heavenly Father? I stopped believing that I was redeemable. I had gotten myself into this mess and felt like I had to get myself out of it…alone. I didn’t know where to start.
The road back started with simple conversations with someone who I consider a spiritual giant. He taught me how to pray again. He taught me how to pray ‘Real’. So I started working on that. It felt strange at first. I wondered how Heavenly Father could listen to me. But as time went by I started to feel different. I started listening and I found myself praying all the time. I knew I needed to do more and that I needed to be in a place where I could do more, but where? The Lord answered that prayer too, sending me nearly 1000 miles from my two sons & friends back to where I grew up…Minnesota. I went home to Minnesota not knowing what was in store for me. But the Lord knew. He knew I needed reestablishment with long ago church friends. He knew I needed to start building relationships in a new ward. He knew that I needed to realize that, YES, I was someone of importance, YES, I was worth loving and, YES, I was worth saving. He also knew that this new road I was taking was not going to be easy. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but to lose my employment too….well, blessings do come in strange packages sometimes! I’m learning to rely on the strength my Heavenly Father gives me. I’m learning to ask for the things I need and to realize that if its right…it will be granted. I’m learning to do things the Lord’s way and not my way. I worked to get my temple recommend renewed and have enjoyed going to the temple quite a bit. In fact, I’m quite drawn to it. I find peace inside those temple walls. I’m finding that I read the scriptures more often. I have started devouring church magazines and church books. There are two sentences in a particular book, Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, that really stood out for me. He said,
“Not only must we believe that he is who he says he is, we must also believe that he can do what he says he can do. We must not only believe in Christ, we must also believe Christ when he says he can clean us up and make us celestial.”
Alma 32: 33-37 talks about planting a seed:
33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
What was happening to me? I’ll happily tell you, I started believing Christ and was finding my spiritual self again. That person who I used to be so long ago was returning. I have found that seed and replanted it. I water it daily and watch it grow stronger & stronger. I have learned that I can’t take for granted that I have a testimony, I have to work at it daily. I do know that I am a daughter of God; that He loves me and wants me to succeed. I have learned that YES I am someone of importance, YES, I am worth loving and, YES, I am worth saving.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I'm Baaaackkkk!!!!
Yes, I've been gone a long time, nearly 3 months! So much has happened in that 3 months too. First, I think Im finally settling down and getting used to being single. That was rough!! I felt like a total outsider, an undesirable, etc. But Im getting into the swing of it. And I'm learning that being single has its benefits. I can come and go as I please, no one telling me what to do, etc. I get to watch what I want on the TV, eat what I want, clean when I want to (love having it clean!), not pick up after everyone else. That being said....it still has its rough moments...it can be lonely...
OK...what else....ohhhh, this is the shocker....the ex wants me back. Hmmmm...not so sure about that. We have been talking. He admits to being an ASS! He appears to be trying to change. The thing is, I think there's way to much water under the bridge for us. I'm happy that he is working on himself. But at the same time, Im working on myself and I still think we are in two seperate places now. The wonderful thing is, is that he is making amends with his kids. He has really reached out to them. So Im extremely happy about that.
I like living in Minnesota. It feels like home. It will feel even more like home when Im able to find my own place. Im very grateful to be staying here in one one my folks homes...but its not mine. I want MY place. So Im working towards that. Once I no longer have to pay child support and the money starts coming in from the military retirement (yes, thats been a battle...have a crummy lawyer who requested things wrong and its just now straightening out...so hopefully soon) I will look for my own place. Guess I'll rent first, but eventually would like to buy.
I am thinking about my job too. Love my job, but feel disconnected to those in the office. Plus, as much as I like working form home, its lonely. I need some interaction with people. So Im thinking that I may look for a job out here, one with medical benefits (I need it bad!). Then maybe sell my shares to the company and get out of Texas all together. This is all in the thought process right now.
I will post more later...need to get a few things done and I will be back!
OK...what else....ohhhh, this is the shocker....the ex wants me back. Hmmmm...not so sure about that. We have been talking. He admits to being an ASS! He appears to be trying to change. The thing is, I think there's way to much water under the bridge for us. I'm happy that he is working on himself. But at the same time, Im working on myself and I still think we are in two seperate places now. The wonderful thing is, is that he is making amends with his kids. He has really reached out to them. So Im extremely happy about that.
I like living in Minnesota. It feels like home. It will feel even more like home when Im able to find my own place. Im very grateful to be staying here in one one my folks homes...but its not mine. I want MY place. So Im working towards that. Once I no longer have to pay child support and the money starts coming in from the military retirement (yes, thats been a battle...have a crummy lawyer who requested things wrong and its just now straightening out...so hopefully soon) I will look for my own place. Guess I'll rent first, but eventually would like to buy.
I am thinking about my job too. Love my job, but feel disconnected to those in the office. Plus, as much as I like working form home, its lonely. I need some interaction with people. So Im thinking that I may look for a job out here, one with medical benefits (I need it bad!). Then maybe sell my shares to the company and get out of Texas all together. This is all in the thought process right now.
I will post more later...need to get a few things done and I will be back!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!
Its been nearly a month since I've posted. Really dont know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I guess its a normal process for anyone at whatever stage of a divorce. All I can say is....IT SUCKS. I dont regret my decision one bit...was the best thing I ever did. And Im sooo glad he, the unfeeling rock, is not in my life anymore. But man...I was not prepared for all the emotions..its a roller coaster ride. I have way too much time on my hands to think. Being alone sucks...being lonely sucks....the quiet sucks....MY LIFE SUCKS!!! The anxiety over just the past few days is so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
BLAHHHHH......
Here it is August 16th....I havent written much and I feel blah....physically and mentally. Mentally I'll just leave to myself to stew over. Physically I feel like crap. I think I've come down with a virus...maybe the flu...or even worse, strepp. The putz I was married to still hasnt gotten a copy of his DD214 (so he says) so I can turn it into DEERS to see if I have any insurance available to me. WOW I HATE THAT MAN!!!! Im going to have to bite the bullet and go see a doc-in-the-box. Hmmmm, I wonder how much that costs????
Im so blest to be able to stay in my folks empty house. I love it here. And my rent is so affordable and Im greatful for that. Child support is now coming out of my check so I dont have to worry about it getting there on time. Now I just need the military to hurry up and start sending me my portion of the retirement.
IM BROKE!!!!! It amazes me that the one person who was a cheater, liar, horrible man is hardly touched financially with the divorce. I tried my best to make it work (and Im glad it didnt) and Im scrounging. I took care of all the bills, made sure they were on time...etc. Our credit....OUTSTANDING.....and do you think I can get a credit card right now.....NO!!! There's something so wrong with this picture. Ok, Im gonna stop now.....nothing any good ever comes from being angry like this...
Im making homemade split pea soup in the crock pot today...think I'll go back to bed while its simmering and maybe when I wake up...it will be on the right side this time :)
Here is my latest photo. I got my hair cut and colored. Its just a subtle change but enough for me to notice. I have a lot more layers in my hair now so to me it looks fuller. The color was softened up some so I really like it.
Im so blest to be able to stay in my folks empty house. I love it here. And my rent is so affordable and Im greatful for that. Child support is now coming out of my check so I dont have to worry about it getting there on time. Now I just need the military to hurry up and start sending me my portion of the retirement.
IM BROKE!!!!! It amazes me that the one person who was a cheater, liar, horrible man is hardly touched financially with the divorce. I tried my best to make it work (and Im glad it didnt) and Im scrounging. I took care of all the bills, made sure they were on time...etc. Our credit....OUTSTANDING.....and do you think I can get a credit card right now.....NO!!! There's something so wrong with this picture. Ok, Im gonna stop now.....nothing any good ever comes from being angry like this...
Im making homemade split pea soup in the crock pot today...think I'll go back to bed while its simmering and maybe when I wake up...it will be on the right side this time :)
Here is my latest photo. I got my hair cut and colored. Its just a subtle change but enough for me to notice. I have a lot more layers in my hair now so to me it looks fuller. The color was softened up some so I really like it.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A New Beginning
Im here guys....sorry. I've been doing good but dealing with a few issues...normal stuff I guess. I've been feeling pretty lonely. This house is sooo quiet. I talk to Gizmo (Im in trouble if he answers back!). Work is slowly coming around. Sam has a hard time finding the time to scan it in and send it to me. So some days Ive had nothing to do and have been very bored. Im pretty much settled in...just have my scrap room to unpack.
But last night was the beginning of a new life for me. Yes Im going to tell you all about it...lol. Way back in the day, there was a group of us from church that hung out together. Maybe 20 or so (yes we were large). Well one of the girls, Nancy, planned a reunion get together. Most of us havent seen each other in 25-26 years. So there was a breakfast yesterday morning.....I did not go. Wasnt sure if anyone would remember me and Im self conscious because of my weight (I was normal back then). So Nancy called me yesterday afternoon and asked where I was and why I didnt come. That everyone was asking about me. Anyway, she coerced me into going to the dinner last night. I will tell you I sat in my car in front of the church building for 10 minutes before having the courage to go inside. WHAT WAS I AFRAID OF!!!! I walked into the building and was attacked...lol. I had the best time...Im still smiling. It's funny how people change..there were some I would have never recognized. Others..well there was non stop hugging. One friend that I knew since...gosh, we were 12 yrs old maybe....she's moved back too...when I did. She was telling everyone that her best friend had come back! There were 2 guys there that I had dated. I actually was very nervous to ever see them again. One of them had been my best friend for 4 years, he had wanted to marry me...I just didnt feel the connection you need for a marriage. He's married now and he was there. But all was good. We hugged and talked (his wife was there too), got pictures. And the other guy...he's single again :0)....lol. There was an old roomate there and just the whole gang! We brought pictures of our kids...they thought my kids were handsome. I cant wait for the next one.
Tonight I going with a bunch of them to a fireside at church...really excited about that.
That lonely feeling left last night. I feel a connection again to the area and to people. I miss my boys immensly but I will make it now.
I wish all of you a great Sunday. Thanks for being my friends. For being a shoulder to cry on.
I'll post more later
But last night was the beginning of a new life for me. Yes Im going to tell you all about it...lol. Way back in the day, there was a group of us from church that hung out together. Maybe 20 or so (yes we were large). Well one of the girls, Nancy, planned a reunion get together. Most of us havent seen each other in 25-26 years. So there was a breakfast yesterday morning.....I did not go. Wasnt sure if anyone would remember me and Im self conscious because of my weight (I was normal back then). So Nancy called me yesterday afternoon and asked where I was and why I didnt come. That everyone was asking about me. Anyway, she coerced me into going to the dinner last night. I will tell you I sat in my car in front of the church building for 10 minutes before having the courage to go inside. WHAT WAS I AFRAID OF!!!! I walked into the building and was attacked...lol. I had the best time...Im still smiling. It's funny how people change..there were some I would have never recognized. Others..well there was non stop hugging. One friend that I knew since...gosh, we were 12 yrs old maybe....she's moved back too...when I did. She was telling everyone that her best friend had come back! There were 2 guys there that I had dated. I actually was very nervous to ever see them again. One of them had been my best friend for 4 years, he had wanted to marry me...I just didnt feel the connection you need for a marriage. He's married now and he was there. But all was good. We hugged and talked (his wife was there too), got pictures. And the other guy...he's single again :0)....lol. There was an old roomate there and just the whole gang! We brought pictures of our kids...they thought my kids were handsome. I cant wait for the next one.
Tonight I going with a bunch of them to a fireside at church...really excited about that.
That lonely feeling left last night. I feel a connection again to the area and to people. I miss my boys immensly but I will make it now.
I wish all of you a great Sunday. Thanks for being my friends. For being a shoulder to cry on.
I'll post more later
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Has it been that long????
Wow...almost a month since I posted. A lot has happened since then too. Got to Minnesota just fine. My sister and I ended up leaving a few hours after she got to Texas. The movers werent supposed to deliver until the 6th of July..they called and were dropping off three days earlier. WHAT!!!! I was still in Texas. So we left about 3:30 pm and headed for our first resting point...Kansas City, MO. Got there about 12:30 am. We stayed at a Super 8 motel...was real nice and clean. Then drove the rest of the way up to Apple Valley, MN. Pulled in around 5 pm. Had to get up bright and early the next morning to have everything brought in. The movers did a fantastic job! Only one thing was broken. a votive cup. The bad thing about that is that my mom sliced her hand open on it...NOT GOOD! Everything is unpacked except for my scraproom. I am tackling that today.
This week I will go to chruch for the first time since I got here. Im nervous....being new has never been fun for me. I really miss my ward in Burleson Texas. I talked with the relief soctiey president yesterday to get directions to the church...now I HAVE to go...lol.
The past couple of weeks have been very quiet. I hardly turn the TV on and I talk to Gizmo...hmmmm Im in trouble if he answers back...HAHA!
I think Im going to study and take the national certification test for medical coding. Being certified would be good. Id have something behind me. I may look into a new job here. And keep the other business on the side. I get the feeling of restment from a couple of people at work. I know it takes extra time to get the work to me but if it was put into the daily work flow...it would become routine. I feel like Im hitting a brick wall there. I also feel like Im being shut out. They have been so supportive of me in these past 6 months. I have not been there completely and Im very lucky to have had understanding from them. Im here now....settled...and raring to get back to it full swing. But, Im hitting resistance. They have kept working through all of this and I feel like they dont want me there. I hope Im wrong and things mellow out.
I miss Alex terribly. I do talk to him everyday though. He's doing alright but I hate the environment he's in. He says he's okay and he will be busy once school starts. He has the varsity track team, his job, and his girlfriend.
Well Ive gone on long enough for one sitting here. IT time for me to get my day going. Will post more later!
This week I will go to chruch for the first time since I got here. Im nervous....being new has never been fun for me. I really miss my ward in Burleson Texas. I talked with the relief soctiey president yesterday to get directions to the church...now I HAVE to go...lol.
The past couple of weeks have been very quiet. I hardly turn the TV on and I talk to Gizmo...hmmmm Im in trouble if he answers back...HAHA!
I think Im going to study and take the national certification test for medical coding. Being certified would be good. Id have something behind me. I may look into a new job here. And keep the other business on the side. I get the feeling of restment from a couple of people at work. I know it takes extra time to get the work to me but if it was put into the daily work flow...it would become routine. I feel like Im hitting a brick wall there. I also feel like Im being shut out. They have been so supportive of me in these past 6 months. I have not been there completely and Im very lucky to have had understanding from them. Im here now....settled...and raring to get back to it full swing. But, Im hitting resistance. They have kept working through all of this and I feel like they dont want me there. I hope Im wrong and things mellow out.
I miss Alex terribly. I do talk to him everyday though. He's doing alright but I hate the environment he's in. He says he's okay and he will be busy once school starts. He has the varsity track team, his job, and his girlfriend.
Well Ive gone on long enough for one sitting here. IT time for me to get my day going. Will post more later!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Feeling of Liberation
It's finally come. I feel liberated!! The movers hauled everyhing out on Friday. And they did a good job! (a little plug for Paul Arpin Moving Co.) I was able to leave the house around 4:00 pm, left my keys on the counter and was gone!
Steve had his last little hooray..he took a few items from my china hutch, gifts he has given me that he brought home from Japan. A saki set and some vases. I confronted him and he just said he brought them home so he could take them back. Whatever dude!!! All I can say is whatever goes around, comes around...he isn't worth it
I'm staying at my best friends house for the week. Had to board Gizmo. My sister is coming down to drive back with me. We will have a ball!
Matt went back to Ft. Lewis today. I'm so glad I got to talk and see him. I miss him already.
There's so much say but I don't have time right now. Will write more later.
To all my friends...thank you for being there foe me. I love you guys!!!!
-- Post From My iPhone
Steve had his last little hooray..he took a few items from my china hutch, gifts he has given me that he brought home from Japan. A saki set and some vases. I confronted him and he just said he brought them home so he could take them back. Whatever dude!!! All I can say is whatever goes around, comes around...he isn't worth it
I'm staying at my best friends house for the week. Had to board Gizmo. My sister is coming down to drive back with me. We will have a ball!
Matt went back to Ft. Lewis today. I'm so glad I got to talk and see him. I miss him already.
There's so much say but I don't have time right now. Will write more later.
To all my friends...thank you for being there foe me. I love you guys!!!!
-- Post From My iPhone
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The last week has been eventful. After making the decision to go to Minnesota, all the peices have just been falling into place. I actually started packing a few boxes the other day.
The next biggest hurdle to get over was the informal mediation that was set between Steve & I and our lawyers. This was held yesterday. I was so nervous. I really had no idea what to expect. Once my lawyer got there, Steve and his lawyer came in. Here's what's so funny. Steve's lawyer was so nice (I really liked her) and Steve came in with a chip on his shoulder. I had to bite my lip from cracking up. So anyway, his lawyer presents some items to us that they had discussed and they leave the room so my lawyer and I could talk. Steve made a feeble attempt at having me not pay child support. There's always a catch with him. He wanted me to give up my 1/2 of the military retirement for that year I would have paid child support. NOT happening. that amount was more than the child support....I'll pay the child support. Then he wanted me to give up my portion of the equity in hte home to pay back the investment he made in my company. Once again...NOT happening. He though he could get away with being given the entire amount back. Between my lawyer and his, it was stresses that this was a community property state so 1/2 the money invested was mine. Steve was livid. If looks could kill.....well I died many times. So he had to settle with only 1/2 which left me with a small chunk of equity in the home. So they offered to pay it back to me with more shares in our mutual funds. I accepted because in the long run when those shares start growing again...it will outweigh them piddly ammount of equity I had in the home. Everything else was split 50/50. I had to take a leap of faith ( I felted prompted that this was ok) of theissue of getting my name off the loan for the house. Steve will get a Release of Liability from the VA for me as soon as the divorce is final. If for some reason it falls through then he will go imediately to his lawyer and get a special deed of liability (which I have a copy of in case it needs to be filed with the court). this will protect me in that if he misses one payment on the house I can step in and kick him out. So at the end of the day...I feel mediation was very sucessful. I have to move out of the house no latter that 7/15/09. Wow ..I gotta get in gear!!!! I amd reall happy. I feel like the Lord had his hand in what went on. I feel like I can move on now.
Im so excited to move into my folks Apple Valley home. They have decided to stay in Blaine and I get to use the entire house, decorate, etc. So at least I'll be there a year. Hopefully I'll know what Im dong by then.
Sooo the best part is.....in 30 days....IM FREE!!!!!!! Steve's lawyer is filing the final decree on monday and she is preparing the quadro's. She's actually saving me tons of money. And I am sooo thankful for that.
So now I'm getting my self organized and getting all my ducks in a row. it would be ideal for me to move out by 7/1. That's when I have no more responsiblilty in any of the house payments.
Well...I off to enjoy my feeling of freedom and go pick Matt up at the airport!!!!!!
The next biggest hurdle to get over was the informal mediation that was set between Steve & I and our lawyers. This was held yesterday. I was so nervous. I really had no idea what to expect. Once my lawyer got there, Steve and his lawyer came in. Here's what's so funny. Steve's lawyer was so nice (I really liked her) and Steve came in with a chip on his shoulder. I had to bite my lip from cracking up. So anyway, his lawyer presents some items to us that they had discussed and they leave the room so my lawyer and I could talk. Steve made a feeble attempt at having me not pay child support. There's always a catch with him. He wanted me to give up my 1/2 of the military retirement for that year I would have paid child support. NOT happening. that amount was more than the child support....I'll pay the child support. Then he wanted me to give up my portion of the equity in hte home to pay back the investment he made in my company. Once again...NOT happening. He though he could get away with being given the entire amount back. Between my lawyer and his, it was stresses that this was a community property state so 1/2 the money invested was mine. Steve was livid. If looks could kill.....well I died many times. So he had to settle with only 1/2 which left me with a small chunk of equity in the home. So they offered to pay it back to me with more shares in our mutual funds. I accepted because in the long run when those shares start growing again...it will outweigh them piddly ammount of equity I had in the home. Everything else was split 50/50. I had to take a leap of faith ( I felted prompted that this was ok) of theissue of getting my name off the loan for the house. Steve will get a Release of Liability from the VA for me as soon as the divorce is final. If for some reason it falls through then he will go imediately to his lawyer and get a special deed of liability (which I have a copy of in case it needs to be filed with the court). this will protect me in that if he misses one payment on the house I can step in and kick him out. So at the end of the day...I feel mediation was very sucessful. I have to move out of the house no latter that 7/15/09. Wow ..I gotta get in gear!!!! I amd reall happy. I feel like the Lord had his hand in what went on. I feel like I can move on now.
Im so excited to move into my folks Apple Valley home. They have decided to stay in Blaine and I get to use the entire house, decorate, etc. So at least I'll be there a year. Hopefully I'll know what Im dong by then.
Sooo the best part is.....in 30 days....IM FREE!!!!!!! Steve's lawyer is filing the final decree on monday and she is preparing the quadro's. She's actually saving me tons of money. And I am sooo thankful for that.
So now I'm getting my self organized and getting all my ducks in a row. it would be ideal for me to move out by 7/1. That's when I have no more responsiblilty in any of the house payments.
Well...I off to enjoy my feeling of freedom and go pick Matt up at the airport!!!!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Sunday June 7, 2009
Wow! Things sure change in a blink of an eye. I know the decisoin I made to move out and let Alex stay with Steve is right. I knowe this because the Lord has whispered to my soul that Im to go to Minnesota. Im moving back home!!! I feel so much peace. And it's funny because all of a sudden past friends, whom I haven't seen in 26 years, are all crawling out of the woodwork. I didn't first start looking for them.....they found me!! It feels so good to be doing what I know the Lord wants of me. I have no idea why Im to go home..but something is in store for me.
I will come back and finish this posting in a bit. Im off to church. Ohhh pray that my fingers don't feel like hitting any key they want to on the piano...last week was sheer torture....LOL!
I will come back and finish this posting in a bit. Im off to church. Ohhh pray that my fingers don't feel like hitting any key they want to on the piano...last week was sheer torture....LOL!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Here's the Scoop...at least some of it =)
Ok sooooo, I have made some huge decisions. Some sad, some good. The first decision I had to make was that I had to say goodbye to two internet friends. In the whole scheme of things I had to decide if they brought me up or brought me down. I love them to death and I mourn terribly for them, but in the long run...I am so better off without their influence right now. I had put off doing this for way too long. I know once the pain and the tears subside...I will be ok.
The second decision I made has finally brought peace to my confused core. I have gone back and forth so many times concerning the house. Yes I want it..no I don't want it...maybe I want it...etc. I am NOT keeping the house. I am not going to buy right now either. I am going to rent for at least 6 months while I get my feet back on the ground.
The third decision actually came with prayer...not that the others didn't...but this one was a struggle. However, I know I'm doing the right thing. Alex has said that he wants to stay in the house...I'm going to let he stay with Steve. Steve is coming around and trying to build a better relationship with the boys. I think he will discipline in a right manner than before. Alex is having a rough time right now. He's become very disrepectful to me and is just beligerant. He needs a stronger hand right now. Alex has me too wrapped around his finger and knows I'll cave in (especially when he gets angry). So I talked it over with Steve and now we're going to tell Alex tomorrow.
I now will be the one paying child support. I will always do my share where my kids are concerned. It just seems funny when I make a quarter of what Steve makes and yet I have to pay child support. Steve could support him no problem on his own. I'm not complaining...just think its funny.
I will be able to widen my search area now for a place to live. I want to stay within my Ward boundaries at church but at least it opens the area of looking a bit. So I am at peace with these decisions and I look forward to packing!
The good thing that's going on I will talk about at a later date. But I will say I'm happy because I have finally figured out who I am and that I do have worth to others! Im sure I will have the occassional melt-down, but I will pick myself up and move forward.
The second decision I made has finally brought peace to my confused core. I have gone back and forth so many times concerning the house. Yes I want it..no I don't want it...maybe I want it...etc. I am NOT keeping the house. I am not going to buy right now either. I am going to rent for at least 6 months while I get my feet back on the ground.
The third decision actually came with prayer...not that the others didn't...but this one was a struggle. However, I know I'm doing the right thing. Alex has said that he wants to stay in the house...I'm going to let he stay with Steve. Steve is coming around and trying to build a better relationship with the boys. I think he will discipline in a right manner than before. Alex is having a rough time right now. He's become very disrepectful to me and is just beligerant. He needs a stronger hand right now. Alex has me too wrapped around his finger and knows I'll cave in (especially when he gets angry). So I talked it over with Steve and now we're going to tell Alex tomorrow.
I now will be the one paying child support. I will always do my share where my kids are concerned. It just seems funny when I make a quarter of what Steve makes and yet I have to pay child support. Steve could support him no problem on his own. I'm not complaining...just think its funny.
I will be able to widen my search area now for a place to live. I want to stay within my Ward boundaries at church but at least it opens the area of looking a bit. So I am at peace with these decisions and I look forward to packing!
The good thing that's going on I will talk about at a later date. But I will say I'm happy because I have finally figured out who I am and that I do have worth to others! Im sure I will have the occassional melt-down, but I will pick myself up and move forward.
Is the Light Finally Visible at the End of the Tunnel...
I don't have time this morning...as I am on my way out the door to go to church. This has been a sad but yet an interesting week that leaves me feeling both sorrow and excitiment. I know it makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. I will post later today about it...at least some of it.
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