OMG...OMG...OMG...!

I went on a mission for my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) back in 1982-1983. I met some wonderful people and was campanions with some great sisters. Well my all time favorite companion was Shelley Sherwood. She went home severals months before I did, but afterwards I flew out to see her and she stayed with me when the mission reunion rolled around. We lost contact and I've wondered about her through the years. WELL I FOUND HER on facebook! I'm so excited to catch up and see whats been going on in her life. I think she'll be surprised at mine. I needed this life right now :0)

Will it never end...

Why do people have to be so ugly. Yes, I know I'm the one divorcing Steve but does he have to be so ugly. Once again I tried to be nice...ease tension...(that's my job, or downfall, to be peacemaker). Instead I get the comment that the sooner I'm out of his life the better off he'll be. See, I was right in my thinking...he's no happier than me.

Thank heavens for a wonderful primary care physician. He's helping me ease into the life of no insurance. Plus I've been retaining fluids pretty bad for a bit and he's helped me lose it. Can you believe that I lost 10 pounds of fluid from Wed evening to this morning (sat.) To me that's amazing! I feel much better too! Plus I think I've found a little will power and started dieting...I'd rather say..eating a lot more healthy. That way I don't feel deprived or guilty if I want something every now and then.

I'm so ready to have a life. Full of friends, doing things, and just being me!!

Overwhelming Saddness

Last night as I lay in bed, my thoughts were all over the place. Thinking about the things I need to do, where Alex and I were going to live, etc. Then sheer saddness came over me. Matt is on his own now, Alex wants to graduate early (by Jan 2010) and head right into the Army, and I'll be divorced. I will be all alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so overwhelming, I cried for hours. I know my boys love me and we will be in contact quite often. It's just the fact that I won't see them day to day. That part of my life is just about over and it kills me. I can be alone and take care of myself quite well. I just don't want to be alone...sigh

The last week has been up and down. There's going to be a bit of a fight on the divorce side. Steve says he's only going to pay child support and fight on everything else. Well, I'm not asking for anything more than what the law says is legally mine. Hopefully his lawyer will set him straight. Not sure if I'm staying in the house or if Steve is. I refuse for my credit to be ruined. If I have to get a part time job in order to keep the house...I will. Or maybe I can find some roomates. Me at 49 yrs of age and having roomates. Why is it that you work just as hard as your partner but in the end because they make a heck of a lot more than you do...they walk away barely affected (financial-wise).

Ok so I'm real down again right now.

I have a 17 yr old son who talks terrible to me. I didn't raise him to talk this way but that's how he chooses to talk. It makes me sad. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more unbecoming than to hear or read someone cussing. Mind you, I'm not judgemental...just don't like it.

I skipped church today just because I wanted to sleep and dream about good things. Dream about a relationship that's good. One I haven't seen yet. I'm lonely... And now I'm going to have a pity party... who wants a fat 49 year old??? Do I have a lot to give...yes. From past experience though...men look at the outside first. And I don't feel very attractive right now. Don't tell me I can do something about it...I KNOW. But even when I was thinner...I was the wallflower.

I'm having conficting emotions right now too about where to live. Yes, I'd like to stay in the house and not have my credit ruined. But if Steve does take the house...do I stay here in Texas??? I could move back up to Minnesota. I'd have my family around. But I would soooo miss my friends. And can make new ones... I love the Ward I'm in at church. I'd really miss it. Oh, I don't know...lots of praying to do.

I just really...really...want a hug...

Today I am going to start house hunting. I have a list of people to talk to , to find out what my possibilities are. I'm looking forward to having something all my own. It will feel different because I'm used to the space here but it will be all mine.

Update....guess I won't be buying a house. The only way to get my name off the mortgage we have now is for Steve to refinance. And it can't be done until the divorce is final. I hate renting...but I have no choice...

Is there a light at the end of the Tunnel?

Don't ask me how Steve and I have managed to stay in the same house since I started the divorce proceedings. It's been hard. I stay in my little private haven - the bedroom - most of the time. He got real ugly the other day...called me a not so nice name. I know I've hurt his pride and he's going to lash out. But it's hard letting it roll off my shoulder. But the past two days we've been cordial. So we're saving some money as we have divided the property in the house evenly and decided who's staying in the house. I'm going to leave when the divorce is final. I actually look forward to living somewhere fresh...something all my own. I really would like to buy instead of renting. I hate having money go to purchasing something for someone else.

Steve has said he has no desire to be my friend. I honestly hope he changes his mind as the anger wears off. But who knows...he thinks so differently about things. And maybe I'm being stupid to think he'd want to be my friend.

I haven't done so well on my challenges I've set. What I have done is the spiritual goal - I stayed to all the meetings and I actually enjoyed it. The emotional one - well I haven't found something good about myself every day, but I haven't put myself down either. So does that make it a wash on this one??? The exercise goal....YOU MEAN I SET ONE??? Was a no go. Maybe this next week I can do it.

Jeannie, from "Jeannies Happy World" sent me a real nice card. Thought I'd share it with you.



Cute huh!!!

Well I'm off to bed. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming...