Diamond in the Rough

Personal Revelation

2011-02-19T09:27:00.002-06:00

I posted this to a group of amazing friends I communicate with on the internet. Some day I hope to meet them all.

This is what’s going on with me right now.

Do you believe in second chances? I do…always have. Let me start by saying that I’ve had some great insights as to why I’m here in Minnesota and why certain people cross my path. You all know that I needed to move miles away from the situation I had been living in for so long. But I’ve always wondered what the whole reason was as to why here so far away from where my children call home.

The last several weeks have been inspiring for me. I knew I needed to be with people who loved me and believed what I do. I’ve grown very close to several of my friends here. They, along with all those I’ve come in contact with, have helped me through a rough time. I have grown immensely. I needed to learn that I could stand on my own two feet...that I was of worth. I needed to find my spiritual side again.

I always wondered why I was led to a job that was temporary and why I have felt like I needed to be there since the future in this job is unsecure. I’ve had some strong moments of enlightenment while being at the VA. It’s been wonderful to receive the boost of confidence I’ve gotten there. To have my supervisors tell me they appreciate my work and my work ethic is a great feeling. It has been a long time since I’ve heard these kinds of comments. I liked what I did in TX but I really felt taken advantage of.
I made, what I thought was a good friend, at work. She has her quirks. I wouldn’t say she’s stuck up but she is very self-centered and self motivated. She has been going through a nasty divorce and child custody issues. She has cried numerous times on my shoulder and I have been there for her. I haven’t agreed with how she handles a lot of things and she knew this. But I was there to support her. What really bothered me was that she could only talk about herself and all her woes, how everyone else was wrong and making her life miserable. She never had time to talk about what someone else might need to talk about. She’s bitter, revengeful, and unforgiving, and she thinks she’s always right. I say all these things not to put her down but to describe what I see. I normally don’t make friends with negative people but for some reason she & I became friends or at least good work acquaintances. Well a few weeks ago she quit talking to me. She said that since I didn’t like her boyfriend (who’s cheating on her and stringing her along) she just couldn’t remain my friend….All I ever said was that she deserved someone who treated her better. She said that I was jealous and mad at her for having a boyfriend since I had no one in my life…..Really?!?!?! ? I tell you now that I don’t miss the friendship which never really was a friendship. I’ve been wondering why she came into my life. It hit me the other day why. She is exactly what I didn’t want to become! I don’t want to hate for the rest of my life. I don’t want to get even. I don’t want to hang onto things that are so small to the whole big picture of my life. The inspiration I received was that I was on the right track and that I was nothing like her. I have forgiven Steve for the turmoil our marriage had become. I have been able to remember all the good times and smile & laugh at these memories.

Now that I have given a lengthy intro into what’s been up with me, this is the point I’m getting too….Steve and I have been talking a lot lately. Talking about things that happened and how we’ve learned and grown from it. September a year ago he called sobbing with the recognition that he had messed up. He wanted me to come home. I certainly wasn’t ready for that or wanting it. Instead of walking away he sat back quietly while I found myself, while I healed. He didn’t turn hard and run. I can tell he’s grown a lot and acknowledges the mistakes he made. And I have learned that a relationship isn’t one sided in fault. What I mean by that is I may not have been the one who cheated, etc. but I had changed. I wasn’t the woman he married. I became closed off, scared, insecure, etc. (Yes the situation had a lot to do with it but I didn’t stand up for myself for many years). It’s not about who did what, it’s about the fact that we let it happen. Anyway…so yes Steve and I are talking and getting our toes a little wet into seeing if we can get back together. There is no rush into anything. We’re taking it one day at a time. He’s going to visit his mom next month and is going to drive up here for a day to visit me (she lives 3 hours from me).

I seriously would like to see us get back together with a fresh start. I do miss how thing were when we first met. We were inseparable. We did everything together. We laughed and were goofy together.

Update on my saga's

2010-06-13T13:05:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I've been at my job almost 3 months now. I really like what I'm doing. It may only be a project with a deadline, may be tedious, but I like it. Computer and paperwork are my friend. As long as I don't have to answer phones.....I'm happy. I don't know how long I will be employed at the VA. We were told 2 years...but no one read the fine print of the contract with the temp agency. Apparently we can only be employed for no longer than 240 days. Big difference from 2 years! I really felt that first day on the job that I was supposed to be there. I've been trying to follow the inspiration and guidance of my Heavenly Father. I'm confused as to why I'm supposed to be there since it's just temporary. I need a permanent job badly. I need the security of knowing I have a job. I'm too old to be going from job to job. So Im scared....real scared. Maybe I'm there so that I can get some Minnesota references..I dont know. But none-the-less Im there.

Now, as much as I like my job, it has its downfall. For some reason I am being ostrisized by a few people. The very people I started with. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did to deserve this. Three of us had been going to lunch and breaks together. Then one morning it all changed. I was given excuse after excuse as to why they werent going on break with me that day. Funy thing is, I would never socialize with these girls outside of work. They do not have the same standards I do. Not saying they're bad people, I just don't drink, smoke, cuss, sleep around etc. But as coworkers and as temps we have something in common. I tell myself that it doesnt matter....and it doesnt. But the fact is, even at 50 years of age.....I do have feelings! I dont like the feeling of being left out or being treated like I don't exist (certainly got enough of that in my marriage). It makes me very self conscious. Sooo, then why am I supposed to be there??? What am I to learn??? Am I there for me or maybe to help someone else??? I dont know. I guess I need to start praying for the answer. In the meantime I need to keep looking for another job just in case this one ends sooner than later.

So last night I had an unpleasant experience. One of my good friends had day surgery. She is miserable at the moment. I do understand that. I called her to see how she was doing. Having had some of the same stuff done myself I was giving her some tips on how to make it better. All of a sudden she starts yelling at her mother who was saying something to her in the background. You know, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didnt. I told my friend to take a deep breath, calm down and not yell at her mother. She said, in an ugly tone, "well she's bugging me." I knew her mother was standing right there and I knew that it had to hurt to have your daughter yelling at you. At least it would hurt me. So I reminded my friend that she was her mother. My friend got mad at me and said she was letting me go because she was a terrible sick person (meaning she was in a bad mood) and was not good company. I told her I was sorry that it was just hard for me to hear someone yell at a parent. And that was the end of the conversation. Should I have kept my mouth shut??? Fact is, this friend has gotten snippy with her mom several times while in the company of others and it really irritates me. Hopefully it will blow over.

I've been dealing with one other obstacle too. Im still having a hard time being alone. Yes I have my family and friends around. Im talking about being ALONE. I want someone in my life. I want the right person in my life. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to be loved back. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I got it wrong the first time. But now being 50...will I have the opportunity to get it right. Some days are harder than others. Some days the walls seem to be caving in on me. I put on a good front to others but inside I feel like I'm dying. I know...hang in there....sigh.....sometimes it just seems too hard.

On a brighter note, Alex is coming to see me for a week at the end of the month. I'm way excited. I'll have to work during the day but we will have the evenings and the weekend to be together. He heads off to Marine Corps boot camp in August. Having both my kids in the military...oye! Im proud of them but I scared.

It's been a great weekend!

2010-04-18T08:13:00.004-05:00

This has been a peaceful weekend thus far. Yesterday I woke up and decided I wanted to go to an early movie. Chose to see 'Letters to God'. OMG, very touching and uplifting. It's about a little boy who has brain cancer. He writes letters to God daily. These letters don't just help him, but help those around him too. The postman, who has some struggles of his own, is affected greatly and turns his life around. The boy writes a letter to a classmate who has made fun of him. He tells the classmate that he forgives him because he knows that the boy just doesnt understand what he is going through. The letter turns the classmate around. And so it goes....

One part of the movie effected me a lot. He tells his mom that God chose her to be his mother. It made me think a lot. I have always felt I wasnt the greatest mother. So many things I wish I could do over. Well, God chose me to be my boys mother. They were (and are) special for me.....I was special for them. Im not perfect and God knows this. But with His help I raised my boys the best I could.

Great movie...I recommend it to everyone.

Came home from the movie and did the usual....laundry, clean, etc. Then I sat back and relaxed by catching up on all those DVR'd shows/movies I had. I watched the movie about the Amish community that was changed by a gunman who killed some school girls in the school. The main message in the movie was forgiveness. The main character in the movie was a mother of one of the girls killed. She had no desire to forgive and didn't understand how any of the others could forgive. It turned around for her when she learned her daughter had told the gunman that she would pray for him. She forgave him for what he was doing. Powerful message.

Went to church this morning and had a wonderful lesson in sunday school about charity. Also had a good lesson in relief society about prayer. I feel full today...I like feeling like this. I also chatted with one of the ladies in the ward about Emma Smith. She is so knowledgeable about Joseph and Emma Smith. She gave a presentation a few weeks back (she has been all over giving this presentation) about Emma Smith. I have been entrigued by Emma ever since I heard this presentation. I had some questions, which she answered but she also gave me insight into the sealing of my boys. I'm feeling peace.

I think I will get a church history book and do some more learnin'.

I like where I am right now with myself. I know Im heading in the right direction and it feels good. It hasnt been easy the past year but it's getting better. I have the tools to push forward and to stay on the right path.

A New Week

2010-04-12T18:53:00.002-05:00

Got my insurance cards today...woohoo!!!! No longer uninsured, its such a great feeling. Now I can go to the doctor and have my meds changed up....allergies are killing me! I forgot how bad they were up here. I got used to them down in Texas and my meds worked. But they sure dont work here!

I completed a home project...no laughing....I fixed the toilet....yep all by myself!! LOL :)
Small accomplishments excite me (oh boy!)

Jeannie - Yes Matt is deployed. He has been in Afghanistan since December. And Im ready for him to come home!!!

Ok, the weekend was ok. I thoroughly enjoyed my temple trip. The dinner/variety show was only ok. But I need to go to more of them so I get to know people. Then it will feel like a lot more fun.

This has been a flyby...but has been a good day!

Why is it?.......

2010-04-11T18:07:00.002-05:00

Why is it that people judge others by their weight? More specifically, why do MEN judge us women by our weight? This has been the attitude of men for years...excluding a very few, who happen to have hearts. I have been judged all my life for being overweight. There were times where I was at a (what society calls) a normal weight. But because of the self image I learned to have throughout my life....I never felt 'Normal'. I look at those pictures now and dream of being that weight again. What's real sad is that when I was 'normal', I couldnt see it....all I saw was a fat person looking back at me. This is what I was always told I was. I remember being a young teen, maybe 13 or 14, and being told that no one would want me if I didnt lose some weight. Although I have forgiven this person for what was said....it has affected how I feel about myself. A few months ago, I ran into an old friend. This person was shocked at the weight I had gained since the last time they saw me. Had I been this weight back then....they would not have even looked at me. I AM THE SAME PERSON ON THE INSIDE WHETHER IM UNDERWEIGHT, NORMAL OR OVERWEIGHT. Why can't these people get that throught their screwed up heads!!

And this bugs me too....why do women, who obviously have their weight under control, constantly say things like "oh, I need to lose 5 lbs..I feel so fat"....WHAT!!! Ok, maybe they have the same self image problem I have. But it still bugs me. However....I dont think they're less of a person.

All I know is that I want to feel excepted for who I am because of what I am on the inside. Please dont judge me because I have a weight issue.

T.G.I.F.

2010-04-10T10:03:00.002-05:00

T.G.I.F., I'm so glad I can say that! And I was ready for it yesterday. I'm exhausted....my brain that is..LOL! Working on a project with a July 1st deadline. There are 5 of us that are working on it exclusively. But Im the only one putting 8 hours a day on it. The other four are students so they do as much as school will allow them too. So there is no down time. But that's good, makes for a busy and fast day!!! I cant believe I've been there for 3 weeks already!

Going to the Temple at 3:00 today. It's the monthly singles temple day. Today is also a mini conference which started at 10:00, but I couldnt leave Gizmo alone, penned up, all day again. He deserves my time too. So Im skipping the morning half and going to the late afternoon & evening activites.

I went to the temple Wednesday night. I enjoy going by myself. I think I will go every Wed. I get so much out of it. And its a good feeling. Plus I stop by the church bookstore on the way. I love that store, so this could be dangerous for me!

Alex called to tell me about his track meet he had last night. He didnt place in either of the hurdle events, but what he did do was run 2 personal bests!!! He is so happy about that and Im proud of him. He did take 2nd in the 4x4! This was a hard meet for his team. They were up against one of the best teams. GO ALEX!!!

Chatted with Matt for a few last night. He doesnt say much since he cant talk about what they're doing. But he gets a sense of peace just knowing that his mama is on the other end of the instant message. And it gives me peace too! Cant wait until he gets back on US soil.

I'll have to finish this days posting later as I still need to experience this day :)

Easter Sunday

2010-04-04T19:08:00.002-05:00

Today was General Conference. I watched it on BYU TV. Was very good! Loved President Monson's words.

I was by myself today. Am missing my boys today...well, I always miss them btu today I really wished they were here. Next year I dont think I want to spend Easter alone....

Cant believe I start my 3rd week of work tomorrow. Time is really flying by. Pretty soon it will be time to go down to Texas for Alex's high school graduation. Wasnt it just yesterday that I gave birth to him.

Here are some pictures of him growing up.

A Miraculous Change - Part 3

2010-04-04T08:27:00.002-05:00

It finally arrived! The check I have been waiting for....for nine months. My portion of the military retirement. I had to fight hard to get it going. Having a real lousy lawyer, who practically did nothing, cost me months of pay. That being said.....the Ex did sent me some of it throughout these months. But he still owes me. We had discussed that once we knew the amount he would send the rest. Hmmmm......seems he wants to change his mind. He says he knows he owes me but he seems to think that this is in addition to the income that I was supposed to be getting. He thinks that the child support should be raised. I reminded him that the support was figured out by the courts based on what I made. So now he wants to fight. I hung up from that phone call a mess. I hadnt cried that hard in a very long time. Later I talked to a good friend who said to let it go. I had a job, the retirement was coming in now....it wasnt worth it. I thought about that a lot the next day. I also had posted a comment on facebook saying..."the question is....do I continue to fight or let go??" Another friend of mine, who knows nothing of the situation, posted this reply..."depends on what you are fighting for. If it's a rightous desire, hang in there. If not, let go. Continue to pray for assistance." Well, it hit me....that's twice I've been told to let it go. So I continued to push it around in my head. This is what I'm going to do.....LET IT GO. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today. I'm happy. I dont cry at night anymore. I like who I am becoming. And things are falling into place. Yes I know there are still obstacles to get over (such as getting my name off the house) but Im happy. When the Ex and I talked, it brought all those horrible feelings back up...I hadnt felt like that it several months. Im not going back there...to painful and so not worth it! Im not starting all over with another lawyer.....its not worth it! I'm letting go. If he choses to pay me what he owes me, that's great. If he doesn't, it's on his conscience. The money isn't worth taking any steps backward!

A Miraculous Change - Part 2

2010-04-03T18:38:00.002-05:00

So much has happened in the work area. I no longer get work or a pay check from the company down in Texas. To be honest...Im getting screwed on the whole thing, considering Im the majority share holder. Trying to sell my shares and get out of it. If that doesnt happen...the company will have to fold. That being said.....I'M HAPPY. One of the best things that could ever happen to me. I needed to cut ties from that place and work where I felt appreciated. And also work in the State that I live in. I immediately put my resume out there and also had various temps agencies looking for me. It sucks out there. So many people out of jobs. I interviewed at an Eye clinic....seemed ok, but was glad they chose someone else....wasnt quite what I was looking for. I then interviewed at an orthopedic facility to work in the office....I loved it. I so wanted the job. I felt it was made for me. I prayed and prayed real hard that it would come through for me. But I also prayed that I would find the 'RIGHT' job. One that would make me happy. One where I felt a sense of accomplishment. One that the Lord knew was best for me and my situation. I got a call from a temp agency based in Kansas. They were hiring for the VA in Minneapolis. What were the chances that I would get on there...LOL. I applied and did the background check. I wasnt really into getting this job. I wanted the orthopedic job, but they hadnt made a decision yet. Time was running out, so I took the VA job. The Lord knew what he was doing. I love the job. Im working in the accounting/billing department. Its a long term temp job.....2 years. This gives me plenty of time to maybe find a permanent position at the VA. The dept Im working in is relocating to Ft. Leavenworth. But there's always the HR dept. The people are real nice. I feel very comfortable there. Ohhhh....and one of the best things......I get free medical, dental, and vision!!!!! No more worries of being uninsured. ANd I love my hours. Here is one the the best benefits.....talking to the veterans on my breaks. I realize I need their smile as much as they need mine. Can you tell Im happy!

A Miraculous Change - Part 1

2010-04-01T22:57:00.006-05:00

My life has taken a miraculous turn. I will post these changes throughout the weekend. I first want to post an article I was asked to write for a friends Relief Society newsletter. It puts in a nutshell what I have been through. Here is my article.

The Road Back to a Growing Testimony

I’ve always had a testimony. That was never the question. What I didn’t realize is that if I didn’t keep it growing by doing, and by sharing, it would end up hidden on the back of a shelf somewhere. So over the course of 21 years my testimony found its way on a shelf collecting dust. I had chosen a harder road to travel in life (not on purpose) and the consequences became more than I could handle. It started out slow; I went from going to all my church meetings to going to sacrament meeting on Sunday and then going home. Then I started to miss a Sunday here and there altogether. I stopped going to the church activities and interacting with the sisters in the ward. I’d tell myself I was ok because I had a testimony…I was just semi -inactive. Then I began to feel inadequate and not worthy of receiving the blessings that the gospel and church membership brings. All of those blessings were for those better than me. It even got to the point where I stopped praying because I felt I wasn’t anyone worth listening to, so why would Heavenly Father? I stopped believing that I was redeemable. I had gotten myself into this mess and felt like I had to get myself out of it…alone. I didn’t know where to start.

The road back started with simple conversations with someone who I consider a spiritual giant. He taught me how to pray again. He taught me how to pray ‘Real’. So I started working on that. It felt strange at first. I wondered how Heavenly Father could listen to me. But as time went by I started to feel different. I started listening and I found myself praying all the time. I knew I needed to do more and that I needed to be in a place where I could do more, but where? The Lord answered that prayer too, sending me nearly 1000 miles from my two sons & friends back to where I grew up…Minnesota. I went home to Minnesota not knowing what was in store for me. But the Lord knew. He knew I needed reestablishment with long ago church friends. He knew I needed to start building relationships in a new ward. He knew that I needed to realize that, YES, I was someone of importance, YES, I was worth loving and, YES, I was worth saving. He also knew that this new road I was taking was not going to be easy. Going through a divorce is hard enough, but to lose my employment too….well, blessings do come in strange packages sometimes! I’m learning to rely on the strength my Heavenly Father gives me. I’m learning to ask for the things I need and to realize that if its right…it will be granted. I’m learning to do things the Lord’s way and not my way. I worked to get my temple recommend renewed and have enjoyed going to the temple quite a bit. In fact, I’m quite drawn to it. I find peace inside those temple walls. I’m finding that I read the scriptures more often. I have started devouring church magazines and church books. There are two sentences in a particular book, Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, that really stood out for me. He said,

“Not only must we believe that he is who he says he is, we must also believe that he can do what he says he can do. We must not only believe in Christ, we must also believe Christ when he says he can clean us up and make us celestial.”

Alma 32: 33-37 talks about planting a seed:

33 And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
36 Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good.
37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.

What was happening to me? I’ll happily tell you, I started believing Christ and was finding my spiritual self again. That person who I used to be so long ago was returning. I have found that seed and replanted it. I water it daily and watch it grow stronger & stronger. I have learned that I can’t take for granted that I have a testimony, I have to work at it daily. I do know that I am a daughter of God; that He loves me and wants me to succeed. I have learned that YES I am someone of importance, YES, I am worth loving and, YES, I am worth saving.

I'm Baaaackkkk!!!!

2009-11-30T09:43:00.004-06:00

Yes, I've been gone a long time, nearly 3 months! So much has happened in that 3 months too. First, I think Im finally settling down and getting used to being single. That was rough!! I felt like a total outsider, an undesirable, etc. But Im getting into the swing of it. And I'm learning that being single has its benefits. I can come and go as I please, no one telling me what to do, etc. I get to watch what I want on the TV, eat what I want, clean when I want to (love having it clean!), not pick up after everyone else. That being said....it still has its rough moments...it can be lonely...

OK...what else....ohhhh, this is the shocker....the ex wants me back. Hmmmm...not so sure about that. We have been talking. He admits to being an ASS! He appears to be trying to change. The thing is, I think there's way to much water under the bridge for us. I'm happy that he is working on himself. But at the same time, Im working on myself and I still think we are in two seperate places now. The wonderful thing is, is that he is making amends with his kids. He has really reached out to them. So Im extremely happy about that.

I like living in Minnesota. It feels like home. It will feel even more like home when Im able to find my own place. Im very grateful to be staying here in one one my folks homes...but its not mine. I want MY place. So Im working towards that. Once I no longer have to pay child support and the money starts coming in from the military retirement (yes, thats been a battle...have a crummy lawyer who requested things wrong and its just now straightening out...so hopefully soon) I will look for my own place. Guess I'll rent first, but eventually would like to buy.

I am thinking about my job too. Love my job, but feel disconnected to those in the office. Plus, as much as I like working form home, its lonely. I need some interaction with people. So Im thinking that I may look for a job out here, one with medical benefits (I need it bad!). Then maybe sell my shares to the company and get out of Texas all together. This is all in the thought process right now.

I will post more later...need to get a few things done and I will be back!

EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!

2009-09-06T23:45:00.003-05:00

Its been nearly a month since I've posted. Really dont know where to begin. My emotions are all over the place. I guess its a normal process for anyone at whatever stage of a divorce. All I can say is....IT SUCKS. I dont regret my decision one bit...was the best thing I ever did. And Im sooo glad he, the unfeeling rock, is not in my life anymore. But man...I was not prepared for all the emotions..its a roller coaster ride. I have way too much time on my hands to think. Being alone sucks...being lonely sucks....the quiet sucks....MY LIFE SUCKS!!! The anxiety over just the past few days is so overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe.

BLAHHHHH......

2009-08-16T08:34:00.004-05:00

Here it is August 16th....I havent written much and I feel blah....physically and mentally. Mentally I'll just leave to myself to stew over. Physically I feel like crap. I think I've come down with a virus...maybe the flu...or even worse, strepp. The putz I was married to still hasnt gotten a copy of his DD214 (so he says) so I can turn it into DEERS to see if I have any insurance available to me. WOW I HATE THAT MAN!!!! Im going to have to bite the bullet and go see a doc-in-the-box. Hmmmm, I wonder how much that costs????

Im so blest to be able to stay in my folks empty house. I love it here. And my rent is so affordable and Im greatful for that. Child support is now coming out of my check so I dont have to worry about it getting there on time. Now I just need the military to hurry up and start sending me my portion of the retirement.

IM BROKE!!!!! It amazes me that the one person who was a cheater, liar, horrible man is hardly touched financially with the divorce. I tried my best to make it work (and Im glad it didnt) and Im scrounging. I took care of all the bills, made sure they were on time...etc. Our credit....OUTSTANDING.....and do you think I can get a credit card right now.....NO!!! There's something so wrong with this picture. Ok, Im gonna stop now.....nothing any good ever comes from being angry like this...

Im making homemade split pea soup in the crock pot today...think I'll go back to bed while its simmering and maybe when I wake up...it will be on the right side this time :)

Here is my latest photo. I got my hair cut and colored. Its just a subtle change but enough for me to notice. I have a lot more layers in my hair now so to me it looks fuller. The color was softened up some so I really like it.

A New Beginning

2009-07-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

Im here guys....sorry. I've been doing good but dealing with a few issues...normal stuff I guess. I've been feeling pretty lonely. This house is sooo quiet. I talk to Gizmo (Im in trouble if he answers back!). Work is slowly coming around. Sam has a hard time finding the time to scan it in and send it to me. So some days Ive had nothing to do and have been very bored. Im pretty much settled in...just have my scrap room to unpack.

But last night was the beginning of a new life for me. Yes Im going to tell you all about it...lol. Way back in the day, there was a group of us from church that hung out together. Maybe 20 or so (yes we were large). Well one of the girls, Nancy, planned a reunion get together. Most of us havent seen each other in 25-26 years. So there was a breakfast yesterday morning.....I did not go. Wasnt sure if anyone would remember me and Im self conscious because of my weight (I was normal back then). So Nancy called me yesterday afternoon and asked where I was and why I didnt come. That everyone was asking about me. Anyway, she coerced me into going to the dinner last night. I will tell you I sat in my car in front of the church building for 10 minutes before having the courage to go inside. WHAT WAS I AFRAID OF!!!! I walked into the building and was attacked...lol. I had the best time...Im still smiling. It's funny how people change..there were some I would have never recognized. Others..well there was non stop hugging. One friend that I knew since...gosh, we were 12 yrs old maybe....she's moved back too...when I did. She was telling everyone that her best friend had come back! There were 2 guys there that I had dated. I actually was very nervous to ever see them again. One of them had been my best friend for 4 years, he had wanted to marry me...I just didnt feel the connection you need for a marriage. He's married now and he was there. But all was good. We hugged and talked (his wife was there too), got pictures. And the other guy...he's single again :0)....lol. There was an old roomate there and just the whole gang! We brought pictures of our kids...they thought my kids were handsome. I cant wait for the next one.

Tonight I going with a bunch of them to a fireside at church...really excited about that.

That lonely feeling left last night. I feel a connection again to the area and to people. I miss my boys immensly but I will make it now.

I wish all of you a great Sunday. Thanks for being my friends. For being a shoulder to cry on.

I'll post more later

Has it been that long????

2009-07-18T07:05:00.002-05:00

Wow...almost a month since I posted. A lot has happened since then too. Got to Minnesota just fine. My sister and I ended up leaving a few hours after she got to Texas. The movers werent supposed to deliver until the 6th of July..they called and were dropping off three days earlier. WHAT!!!! I was still in Texas. So we left about 3:30 pm and headed for our first resting point...Kansas City, MO. Got there about 12:30 am. We stayed at a Super 8 motel...was real nice and clean. Then drove the rest of the way up to Apple Valley, MN. Pulled in around 5 pm. Had to get up bright and early the next morning to have everything brought in. The movers did a fantastic job! Only one thing was broken. a votive cup. The bad thing about that is that my mom sliced her hand open on it...NOT GOOD! Everything is unpacked except for my scraproom. I am tackling that today.

This week I will go to chruch for the first time since I got here. Im nervous....being new has never been fun for me. I really miss my ward in Burleson Texas. I talked with the relief soctiey president yesterday to get directions to the church...now I HAVE to go...lol.

The past couple of weeks have been very quiet. I hardly turn the TV on and I talk to Gizmo...hmmmm Im in trouble if he answers back...HAHA!

I think Im going to study and take the national certification test for medical coding. Being certified would be good. Id have something behind me. I may look into a new job here. And keep the other business on the side. I get the feeling of restment from a couple of people at work. I know it takes extra time to get the work to me but if it was put into the daily work flow...it would become routine. I feel like Im hitting a brick wall there. I also feel like Im being shut out. They have been so supportive of me in these past 6 months. I have not been there completely and Im very lucky to have had understanding from them. Im here now....settled...and raring to get back to it full swing. But, Im hitting resistance. They have kept working through all of this and I feel like they dont want me there. I hope Im wrong and things mellow out.

I miss Alex terribly. I do talk to him everyday though. He's doing alright but I hate the environment he's in. He says he's okay and he will be busy once school starts. He has the varsity track team, his job, and his girlfriend.

Well Ive gone on long enough for one sitting here. IT time for me to get my day going. Will post more later!

The Feeling of Liberation

2009-06-28T12:15:00.001-05:00

It's finally come. I feel liberated!! The movers hauled everyhing out on Friday. And they did a good job! (a little plug for Paul Arpin Moving Co.) I was able to leave the house around 4:00 pm, left my keys on the counter and was gone!

Steve had his last little hooray..he took a few items from my china hutch, gifts he has given me that he brought home from Japan. A saki set and some vases. I confronted him and he just said he brought them home so he could take them back. Whatever dude!!! All I can say is whatever goes around, comes around...he isn't worth it

I'm staying at my best friends house for the week. Had to board Gizmo. My sister is coming down to drive back with me. We will have a ball!

Matt went back to Ft. Lewis today. I'm so glad I got to talk and see him. I miss him already.

There's so much say but I don't have time right now. Will write more later.

To all my friends...thank you for being there foe me. I love you guys!!!!

-- Post From My iPhone

2009-06-13T06:24:00.002-05:00

The last week has been eventful. After making the decision to go to Minnesota, all the peices have just been falling into place. I actually started packing a few boxes the other day.

The next biggest hurdle to get over was the informal mediation that was set between Steve & I and our lawyers. This was held yesterday. I was so nervous. I really had no idea what to expect. Once my lawyer got there, Steve and his lawyer came in. Here's what's so funny. Steve's lawyer was so nice (I really liked her) and Steve came in with a chip on his shoulder. I had to bite my lip from cracking up. So anyway, his lawyer presents some items to us that they had discussed and they leave the room so my lawyer and I could talk. Steve made a feeble attempt at having me not pay child support. There's always a catch with him. He wanted me to give up my 1/2 of the military retirement for that year I would have paid child support. NOT happening. that amount was more than the child support....I'll pay the child support. Then he wanted me to give up my portion of the equity in hte home to pay back the investment he made in my company. Once again...NOT happening. He though he could get away with being given the entire amount back. Between my lawyer and his, it was stresses that this was a community property state so 1/2 the money invested was mine. Steve was livid. If looks could kill.....well I died many times. So he had to settle with only 1/2 which left me with a small chunk of equity in the home. So they offered to pay it back to me with more shares in our mutual funds. I accepted because in the long run when those shares start growing again...it will outweigh them piddly ammount of equity I had in the home. Everything else was split 50/50. I had to take a leap of faith ( I felted prompted that this was ok) of theissue of getting my name off the loan for the house. Steve will get a Release of Liability from the VA for me as soon as the divorce is final. If for some reason it falls through then he will go imediately to his lawyer and get a special deed of liability (which I have a copy of in case it needs to be filed with the court). this will protect me in that if he misses one payment on the house I can step in and kick him out. So at the end of the day...I feel mediation was very sucessful. I have to move out of the house no latter that 7/15/09. Wow ..I gotta get in gear!!!! I amd reall happy. I feel like the Lord had his hand in what went on. I feel like I can move on now.

Im so excited to move into my folks Apple Valley home. They have decided to stay in Blaine and I get to use the entire house, decorate, etc. So at least I'll be there a year. Hopefully I'll know what Im dong by then.

Sooo the best part is.....in 30 days....IM FREE!!!!!!! Steve's lawyer is filing the final decree on monday and she is preparing the quadro's. She's actually saving me tons of money. And I am sooo thankful for that.

So now I'm getting my self organized and getting all my ducks in a row. it would be ideal for me to move out by 7/1. That's when I have no more responsiblilty in any of the house payments.

Well...I off to enjoy my feeling of freedom and go pick Matt up at the airport!!!!!!

Sunday June 7, 2009

2009-06-07T08:14:00.002-05:00

Wow! Things sure change in a blink of an eye. I know the decisoin I made to move out and let Alex stay with Steve is right. I knowe this because the Lord has whispered to my soul that Im to go to Minnesota. Im moving back home!!! I feel so much peace. And it's funny because all of a sudden past friends, whom I haven't seen in 26 years, are all crawling out of the woodwork. I didn't first start looking for them.....they found me!! It feels so good to be doing what I know the Lord wants of me. I have no idea why Im to go home..but something is in store for me.

I will come back and finish this posting in a bit. Im off to church. Ohhh pray that my fingers don't feel like hitting any key they want to on the piano...last week was sheer torture....LOL!

Here's the Scoop...at least some of it =)

2009-05-24T19:13:00.004-05:00

Ok sooooo, I have made some huge decisions. Some sad, some good. The first decision I had to make was that I had to say goodbye to two internet friends. In the whole scheme of things I had to decide if they brought me up or brought me down. I love them to death and I mourn terribly for them, but in the long run...I am so better off without their influence right now. I had put off doing this for way too long. I know once the pain and the tears subside...I will be ok.

The second decision I made has finally brought peace to my confused core. I have gone back and forth so many times concerning the house. Yes I want it..no I don't want it...maybe I want it...etc. I am NOT keeping the house. I am not going to buy right now either. I am going to rent for at least 6 months while I get my feet back on the ground.

The third decision actually came with prayer...not that the others didn't...but this one was a struggle. However, I know I'm doing the right thing. Alex has said that he wants to stay in the house...I'm going to let he stay with Steve. Steve is coming around and trying to build a better relationship with the boys. I think he will discipline in a right manner than before. Alex is having a rough time right now. He's become very disrepectful to me and is just beligerant. He needs a stronger hand right now. Alex has me too wrapped around his finger and knows I'll cave in (especially when he gets angry). So I talked it over with Steve and now we're going to tell Alex tomorrow.

I now will be the one paying child support. I will always do my share where my kids are concerned. It just seems funny when I make a quarter of what Steve makes and yet I have to pay child support. Steve could support him no problem on his own. I'm not complaining...just think its funny.

I will be able to widen my search area now for a place to live. I want to stay within my Ward boundaries at church but at least it opens the area of looking a bit. So I am at peace with these decisions and I look forward to packing!

The good thing that's going on I will talk about at a later date. But I will say I'm happy because I have finally figured out who I am and that I do have worth to others! Im sure I will have the occassional melt-down, but I will pick myself up and move forward.

Is the Light Finally Visible at the End of the Tunnel...

2009-05-24T08:10:00.003-05:00

I don't have time this morning...as I am on my way out the door to go to church. This has been a sad but yet an interesting week that leaves me feeling both sorrow and excitiment. I know it makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me. I will post later today about it...at least some of it.

LISTEN

2009-05-04T22:26:00.004-05:00

I found this thought today and wanted to share:

Listening to your heart, finding out who you are, is not simple. It takes time for the chatter to quiet down. In the silence of "not doing" we begin to know what we feel. If we listen and hear what is being offered, then anything in life can be our guide. Listen.

Today I had someone dear to me say something that really made me stop and think. "You need to remember that you are a someone not a something."

I have felt like a 'something' for so long. For way too long. I started thinking about my life as it was back in my 20's...a good time when I was 'someone' and how good it felt. A time when I was free to be me and was accepted as me. The time before I let someone take over my feelings of self worth. I may have had my own visions of self-doubt but not strong enough to feel like I was only a 'something'.

I have the greatest friends...my best friend... my friends at work...my internet buddies...who have all supported me in the never-ending struggle to be acknowledged as someone of worth.

Shame on me for letting one individual bring me down to the point of hopelessness.

Tonight I have renewed faith in myself. I will push forward and fight with all my might to be the 'someone' that I am.

Rudely Awaken...

2009-05-03T13:28:00.002-05:00

It's 4:06 am and I'm wide awake Actually I was rudely awoken. We've had lots of storms go through here the last 24 hours and our security system to the house freaked. I woke up to it blarring in my ear. I run down to the key pad (never even stopping to think that maybe someone could've broken in) and enter the code...nothing, alarm still blarring. I try again a few times...nothing...(at this point Gizmo is freaking and Steve & Alex are just starring at me). I call ADT and am on hold for at least 5 minutes with the alarm going off!!! (Really glad we weren't getting broken into). Course they tell me I'll have to unscrew the main plug and pull the wires off the back up battery. Who knows where a screwdriver is at this time of morning So she's walking me through the steps....and the phone dies...(I sense Murphys Law kicking in ) I did manage to get the alarm system turned off. Now I'm awake and can't go back to sleep. I just went to bed a couple of hours ago. I sense a nice long nap in the afternoon.

WHAT???

2009-05-02T10:41:00.003-05:00

Wow...yesterday was an eye opener. You think you know someone and then their true colors come out. You show kindness...bend over backwards, just to be spoken to in a very disrespectful way. Leaves me speachless. I think the bridge on that one just got burned. I'm discovering I'm way too believing of people. Will be on my guard from now on.

I'm Really a Fun loving Person...

2009-04-28T23:19:00.003-05:00

I know there are a few that read my blog. I'm really not a down in the dumps, depressing individual. I love having fun, laughing, cutting up, being goofy! I hope you understand that I need to write how I feel going through this divorce. Yes, maybe no different than someone else....but they're my feelings, my situations, etc. I need to remember them so it will make me stronger in the future.

I really need to get some sleep. Last night sleep eluded me...I was a mess. I have never cried that hard. I grabbed the pillow and just screamed and sobbed into it. I was an emotional wreck. You know the kind...where you can't catch your breath and you can't breathe. I really glad I'm not suicidal because last night was the lowest I have every felt.

Since I couldn't breath..I got back online and was pleasantly surprised to see my sister Penny online. I haven't chatted with her for a while and it was sooo good to do that. I miss my baby sis!

I was pretty much useless at work today...soooo tired, hard time concentrating, wanting to lay my head back on my chair and rest. Just a few moments..PLEASE..

I don't think I've ever felt this so alone before. The anxiety is overwhelming sometimes. Tonight when it hit...I just sat in my chair and kept telling myself it would pass. I wanted to pick the phone up and call someone...all my friends would listen...but I always stop myself because I don't want to burden anyone or waste their time.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong and can handle anything. It may appear so on the outside..but on the inside, I'm standing on the edge.

Anywho..I so appreciate having this blog to express what I'm feeling. Then to be able to look at it later and see progress, even though there are times I fall back down the hill a bit.

Reality Check

2009-04-27T07:55:00.003-05:00

When did I become so gullible? When did I let my guard down? When did I let myself 'feel'...even for a second? These are questions I've asked myself over and over. I need to keep the brick wall up around my heart...it's safer that way. So I take a deep breath...hold it...let it out slowly...and start all over again.

Later.....

I'm sooo stressed right now. I'm ready for this ride to be OVER!!! I have a child who has decided that he doesn't want to live with me..."I stress him out"...go figure, ask him to do any chores or help out with anything and he blows up. He thinks it will be easier to get past his Dad. He has been so disrespectful to me (actually for quite a while now). What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I didn't raise him to be this way...The sad thing is...I'm to the point where...I don't know whether to care anymore.

Tonight I'm on the edge...I want sleep to take over...my head hurts, my brain hurts, my heart hurts, I'm freaking lonely...I want to scream...

Check out Christmas 2004

2009-04-26T22:25:00.002-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

GAME DAY!! FOOTBALL 2004

2009-04-26T13:38:00.001-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Check out the digital Scrapbook!!!

2009-04-26T00:40:00.001-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

My Cute Little Nieces

2009-04-25T23:58:00.003-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Round Two.....Ding

2009-04-22T07:40:00.003-05:00

I thought maybe those dark clouds were going away. Alas, they turned right back around and spewed their furry on me last night. I am trying so hard to be nice..and for what?!?!? Steve and I got into a huge dumping conversation on the front lawn last night. No we weren't yelling or even motioning huge with our arms and hands. But I'm sure it was obvious to the neighbors that something was amiss. Did you know that it's all my fault we're going through all of this...WHAT....I had to laugh. It didn't matter that for years I've been trying to get him to go to counceling, that I've told him over and over he needed to work on his relationship with the kids, that he was losing me. How many times when he asked what I wanted, did I tell him...all I want is you. How many times did I give up on my feelings in order to give him what he wanted. Was he a good provider....yes. Was he good at working on a relationship...no. All he thinks about is that fact that he, and only he, worked hard for the money brought into the family. It doesn't matter that I have a job...it pays way less so it doesn't count. It didn't matter that I stayed home to take care of the kids when they were little and ran a daycare in the home to help provied for this family too. Nothing I provided counted because it wasn't as much he he brought in. He's furious because the state says I am to recieve 1/2 of his retirement during the marital years of his military career, 1/2 of all the financial accounts. Was I not part of this martial union...did I not work just as hard? Then he liked rubbing in that I couldn't afford the house on my own. That's when reality set in. I can't afford it on my own. I MAKE NOTHING!!! This really sucks, he can continue living hardly scathed and I will be scrapping. And to top it all off, my lawyer said that with my income I couldn't afford a house, at least the one we're in. The one that I tried to make a home. The one that IS home to myself and Alex. Steve wins again....

I supported Steve through school. He had no credit until we got together, he built his off of mine. It was my idea for him to go back into the military full time, he was only working 2 security part time jobs at the time. Where would we be if I hadn't suggested this. I'm not saying where we are is becasue of me alone...but I did have a part in it. I wasn't useless...I participated...I worked to make a marriage union of two people becoming 'one'. So why is it that I walk away the broken one....

My head hurts...time for a break. I'm heading up to minnesota to spend a week with the family. Seven glorious days of trying not to think about anything but having fun.

I am worth something...aren't I.....

2009-04-11T21:31:00.003-05:00

Dark clouds hover above, threatening to unleash their vengeance. Off in the distance, thunder sounds off a warning as the fingers of lightening dance across the sky. The wind howls, blowing any thought of peace and scatters it across the ground. The impending twister flits in and out of the sky looking for it's victim, ready to upheaval any sense of understanding.

This is how I feel right now. I'm so confused and my brain is mash. I'm so messed up. I'm not me right now. I need help....I have my counselor but that's not enough. I'm afraid and I don't want to be alone right now. I pray to my Heavenly Father but I somehow don't feel worthy to be listened to or helped. What has happened to me....I don't understand....

2009-03-26T19:53:00.003-05:00

It has been so long since I've posted on my blog. I haven't really felt like it. The last month has been busy with doctors, getting any and all exams I can before I lose my insurance. My mood has been up and down. Right now it seems to be going down. I know it's mind over matter but sometimes it just seems too hard. I've had tears sitting right behind my eyes since about yesterday afternoon. It's almost like a sneeze that won't come but is there.

I want this divorce over with. I'm trying so hard to be Christian like in my thinking towards Steve. But it hard when he's saying that I'm crooked and that I'm a jerk. So I hide in my cave...the bedroom...just so I can escape the tension.

I'm getting anxious because Matt leaves for Iraq this coming week. I wish his safety and all the blessing he deserves. As well as to all our other servicemen and women who help us live in this country. Regardless of all that's going on now...we are blest.

OMG...OMG...OMG...!

2009-02-23T19:26:00.002-06:00

I went on a mission for my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) back in 1982-1983. I met some wonderful people and was campanions with some great sisters. Well my all time favorite companion was Shelley Sherwood. She went home severals months before I did, but afterwards I flew out to see her and she stayed with me when the mission reunion rolled around. We lost contact and I've wondered about her through the years. WELL I FOUND HER on facebook! I'm so excited to catch up and see whats been going on in her life. I think she'll be surprised at mine. I needed this life right now :0)

Will it never end...

2009-02-21T17:01:00.004-06:00

Why do people have to be so ugly. Yes, I know I'm the one divorcing Steve but does he have to be so ugly. Once again I tried to be nice...ease tension...(that's my job, or downfall, to be peacemaker). Instead I get the comment that the sooner I'm out of his life the better off he'll be. See, I was right in my thinking...he's no happier than me.

Thank heavens for a wonderful primary care physician. He's helping me ease into the life of no insurance. Plus I've been retaining fluids pretty bad for a bit and he's helped me lose it. Can you believe that I lost 10 pounds of fluid from Wed evening to this morning (sat.) To me that's amazing! I feel much better too! Plus I think I've found a little will power and started dieting...I'd rather say..eating a lot more healthy. That way I don't feel deprived or guilty if I want something every now and then.

I'm so ready to have a life. Full of friends, doing things, and just being me!!

Overwhelming Saddness

2009-02-17T07:32:00.002-06:00

Last night as I lay in bed, my thoughts were all over the place. Thinking about the things I need to do, where Alex and I were going to live, etc. Then sheer saddness came over me. Matt is on his own now, Alex wants to graduate early (by Jan 2010) and head right into the Army, and I'll be divorced. I will be all alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so overwhelming, I cried for hours. I know my boys love me and we will be in contact quite often. It's just the fact that I won't see them day to day. That part of my life is just about over and it kills me. I can be alone and take care of myself quite well. I just don't want to be alone...sigh

2009-02-15T16:03:00.000-06:00

The last week has been up and down. There's going to be a bit of a fight on the divorce side. Steve says he's only going to pay child support and fight on everything else. Well, I'm not asking for anything more than what the law says is legally mine. Hopefully his lawyer will set him straight. Not sure if I'm staying in the house or if Steve is. I refuse for my credit to be ruined. If I have to get a part time job in order to keep the house...I will. Or maybe I can find some roomates. Me at 49 yrs of age and having roomates. Why is it that you work just as hard as your partner but in the end because they make a heck of a lot more than you do...they walk away barely affected (financial-wise).

Ok so I'm real down again right now.

I have a 17 yr old son who talks terrible to me. I didn't raise him to talk this way but that's how he chooses to talk. It makes me sad. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more unbecoming than to hear or read someone cussing. Mind you, I'm not judgemental...just don't like it.

I skipped church today just because I wanted to sleep and dream about good things. Dream about a relationship that's good. One I haven't seen yet. I'm lonely... And now I'm going to have a pity party... who wants a fat 49 year old??? Do I have a lot to give...yes. From past experience though...men look at the outside first. And I don't feel very attractive right now. Don't tell me I can do something about it...I KNOW. But even when I was thinner...I was the wallflower.

I'm having conficting emotions right now too about where to live. Yes, I'd like to stay in the house and not have my credit ruined. But if Steve does take the house...do I stay here in Texas??? I could move back up to Minnesota. I'd have my family around. But I would soooo miss my friends. And can make new ones... I love the Ward I'm in at church. I'd really miss it. Oh, I don't know...lots of praying to do.

I just really...really...want a hug...

2009-02-05T07:30:00.003-06:00

Today I am going to start house hunting. I have a list of people to talk to , to find out what my possibilities are. I'm looking forward to having something all my own. It will feel different because I'm used to the space here but it will be all mine.

Update....guess I won't be buying a house. The only way to get my name off the mortgage we have now is for Steve to refinance. And it can't be done until the divorce is final. I hate renting...but I have no choice...

Is there a light at the end of the Tunnel?

2009-02-03T21:20:00.005-06:00

Don't ask me how Steve and I have managed to stay in the same house since I started the divorce proceedings. It's been hard. I stay in my little private haven - the bedroom - most of the time. He got real ugly the other day...called me a not so nice name. I know I've hurt his pride and he's going to lash out. But it's hard letting it roll off my shoulder. But the past two days we've been cordial. So we're saving some money as we have divided the property in the house evenly and decided who's staying in the house. I'm going to leave when the divorce is final. I actually look forward to living somewhere fresh...something all my own. I really would like to buy instead of renting. I hate having money go to purchasing something for someone else.

Steve has said he has no desire to be my friend. I honestly hope he changes his mind as the anger wears off. But who knows...he thinks so differently about things. And maybe I'm being stupid to think he'd want to be my friend.

I haven't done so well on my challenges I've set. What I have done is the spiritual goal - I stayed to all the meetings and I actually enjoyed it. The emotional one - well I haven't found something good about myself every day, but I haven't put myself down either. So does that make it a wash on this one??? The exercise goal....YOU MEAN I SET ONE??? Was a no go. Maybe this next week I can do it.

Jeannie, from "Jeannies Happy World" sent me a real nice card. Thought I'd share it with you.

Cute huh!!!

Well I'm off to bed. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming...

2009-01-31T21:41:00.002-06:00

Yesterday afternoon I drove out to my friends house to have a scrapbook fri/sat event. There were five of us and let me tell you...it was so much fun! It definitely was what I needed...some time away from all the stress.

I actually was productive. I completed two large boxes that can hold trinkets, bills, or whatever is desired. Then I did the layout for and acrylic 6X6 scrapbook (just need to put pictures in it now), and two 2 page spreads. So I'm pretty proud of myself. I'll take pictures and put them up so you can see. I think the boxes are pretty.

I came home to stress. I just have to take a deep breath and say a little prayer...it will be all over soon. I'm trying to do the Christ-like things. But it's hard sometimes when you meet with apposition. So I sit in my room and type away here. If I didn't have this sanctuary I'd go crazy.

Talked to my sister Penny last night! I haven't talked with her forever. She and I grew up very close. She's my baby sister. I'm fourteen years older than she. When she was two yeas old we went camping with our family and another family. We loved swimming in the lake. On this particular day I saved my sister from drowning. She had fallen under the water and the life guard didn't see her because the sun was shining right on that spot so it was just a glare. I was swimming out to the dock with my friend and I felt something wrong. I swam back to shore and found her. So we've been super close since then. I miss her! We're both busy with our lives and we live many miles away from each other. So here is a shout out to my sissy...I LOVE YOU!!!

I'm heading off to bed now as I have church at 9:00 am sharp. Going to keep with my goal ;0)

Feeling Blue

2009-01-28T22:18:00.003-06:00

I'm feeling rather blue at the moment. I went to the attorney today and got the paperwork started for my divorce. I think he'll do a good job for me. He knows I want it to be an easy and fast process. Now that it's actually under way...I feel empty inside. I know what I'm doing is right for me but it still makes me sad that things didn't work out. Twenty and a half years is a long time...sigh...

I'm not looking forward to feeling lonely (although I felt lonely a lot already). I'm scared about finances. I'm scared to only receive one addition year of medical insurance and then not having any. I'm scared that Alex has 1 1/2 years before he graduates and him leaving (he wants to go into the military like his brother). Then I'll really be alone. Ok...I'll have Gizmo. Will there be someone out there when I'm ready to have a relationship again...will anyone want me...ok, I've got to stop feeling this way. I need to get active and just be me. The me I've stiffled for so long. The me I'm proud of. The me that had great accomplishments in life. That's who I want to be again. The me that my Heavenly Father can be proud of. The me that I can be proud of.

Ok, I'm a little angry too. I gave 20 years of my life to this marriage. I did my best to please and play peacemaker. I gave up a lot of myself. So, I'm angry at myself as well. I gave up my dream of having a bundle of kiddos and settled for only two (who happen to be the joy's in my life). I quit playing the piano daily because someone was tired of hearing it and said that nobody wanted to hear my stuff anyway. I quit trying to do things with my friends and their husbands because...he just didn't want to. I'm angry because I let myself become a wall flower at any function we did go to. I'm angry that I let myself...lose myself.

Monthly Challenge

2009-01-27T11:14:00.002-06:00

I'm participating in a monthly challenge. With this challenge we are setting our own personal goals however big or small. Things we want to work on to make ourselves better. So I'm setting a goal under three catagories. I will post my results each Wednesday. My goals for this month are:

1. Spiritual - To go to all three of my church meetings on Sunday (no skipping out early and no excuses to not go!)

2. Physical - To get some kind of exercise at least three times a week. I have to start out small because I hate exercising.

3. Mentally - To find some nice thing about myself each day. I put myself down a lot...and gosh not that bad am I.

This is one challenge I want to suceed in!!

Thought for the Day

2009-01-27T08:20:00.001-06:00

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

2009-01-27T07:50:00.002-06:00

Today I go to the attorney to sign papers and give him the retainer. The ball is now moving.I've been so calm through all of this. I don't know if it's because I'm numb or if it just hasn't really sunk in yet.

I went to church Sunday and actually made it to all three meetings. Ok...I left early from relief society. I'll do better next week. I talked to the Relief Society president and asked if I could have my old visiting teachers back. I need some that come and I really loved having the ones I had. She said absolutely and then gave me the biggest hug. She had tears in her eyes. I haven't told her anything but I think she senses something. I don't know her very well but it made me feel good.

I want to feel a part of the ward and not just a wallflower. I know they love me and I just need to come out of my shell. Maybe now I'll be able too. I wish I could get Alex to go to church. He's struggling through those teenage years. But I know there is a spark in him because he faithfully pays his tithing.

Today will be interesting at work because I will be the only one here in the office. We are under a ice storm warning. The roads are just wet now but it's supposed to get bad later today. Sam lives in Alvarado which is a good drive from here. Anita's in Mansfield which is far too. Joanna already asked for the day off and I'm the only dummy who came in! The attorney is over here so I decided what the heck. I freezing...so I think I'll turn the heat up!

Gran Torino

2009-01-26T21:56:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I went to the movie saturday with Alex. We saw Gran Torino. I am not a Clint Eastwood fan so I really had no desire to see it until Matt told me it was good. Let me tell you something...it was awesome. I didn't care for the language...it always makes me wince. However, the story was really good. And believe it or not, it taught a lesson...not to judge a book by it's cover. This man (Clint Eastwood) was a angry old coot. He had a poor relationship with his sons and their families. And to be fair, his sons needed a swift kick in the butt as well. Anyway, he develops a relationship with the family next door especially the teenage boy. I laughed...Alex had to keep telling me "shhhhhh". And I cried like a baby at the end. Very touching, and I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. A MUST SEE!

Happy Birthday Alex!

2009-01-24T07:18:00.002-06:00

My sweet Alex you are 17 today. Where did the time go?! Wasn't it yesterday that I was telling you and Matt a bedtime story about Tookie Rabbit and Pokie Turtle?! You loved our made up stories. And wasn't it yesterday that you rushed through the front door after going to Miss Cindy's Preschool to show me your artwork?! And wasn't it just Yesterday that you got your first real 'big boy' haircut?! Now you're 17 and driving, and a track star, working, and showing me how to do things like setting up electronic equipment because I just don't get it. I proud of you Alex. You've grown into a fine young adult. You make me laugh, cry, smile...and most of all...I Love You.

The Beginning of Change

2009-01-23T06:42:00.004-06:00

As the title of this entry states, the beginning of change has begun. I have struggled with this decision for a very long time. In fact, for many years. I've now realized that I have done all that I can. I won't be looking at any 'what if's'. I've prayed for guidance and feel what I'm doing is the right thing. Not just for me but for my family. I told Steve yesterday that I am filing for divorce. I do not hate Steve. I care a whole lot about him. We just are not on the same page anymore marriage-wise. I ask that you send prayers our way...not just for me, but for Steve, Matt, and Alex.

A Good Time

2009-01-17T00:55:00.002-06:00

Tonight Alex and I went to my friend Christy's house again to watch a movie in their awesome theater room. We had a ball!! We made chicken enchiladas and salad for dinner.

Alex asked Don (Christy's husband) about computers because he wanted to get a laptop, since our desktop here at home bit the dust. Don owns his own computer repair business and is a whiz with them. He got online and found that Best Buy had a good one in Alex's price range. So we all hopped in the car and wen to Best Buy. Alex's new computer is much better than mine and was 1/3 of the price. Isn't it amazing how much the price of things are given a few years. Anyway, Don sat down with Alex and updated it and installed some programs for free. That was so nice of him!!

While Don and Alex were busy with computers, Christy and I watched Ghost Whisperer. We're so hooked on that show.

Then we all went upstairs and watched Bankok Dangerous. Rotten Tomatoes gave the movie a rating of 9%. Well we say thay got it wrong. It was a good movie!

Anyway, it's so nice to have friends like that. They have been so supportive of me and what I need to do. They love my boys and it was good for Don and Alex tonight. Don and Christy are unable to have children so it was cool for Don to share the excitment of helping my son get his first computer. And it was good for Alex to have Don spend some quality "man" time with him.

Changes

2009-01-14T18:58:00.002-06:00

Wow, so many things going on right now. Big changes will be taking place in my life and it's all overwhelming. I wish I could say here what I want too but for now I choose to remain silent on my blog. However there are great things happening.

I had my first little bit of muscle movement on the right side of my face. Do you know how exciting that is!!! I hope it doesn't take forever 'cause I know they say 2-6 months. At least I see signs and that makes me sooooo happy. I will no longer feel like a monster. I will beat this Bell's Palsy!

I went back to work this past monday and I'm so happy to be back. I missed my work family. I stepped right back in as if I had never been gone. How cool is that!

2009-01-07T08:18:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I went to my 5 week check up after surgery. All is well! He said I could go back to work on monday! Ahhh, we get excited about small things! I go for another check up in 3 months.

Today I'm off to my primary care concerning the Bell's Palsy. It's an ER follow up but I need to let him know that I'm having dizzy/lightheaded moments. This thing is bothering my ear a bunch. I'm suspecting that's why I have these episodes. But it's good to find out for sure.

I sure wish all this stuff would stop. I know I shouldn't complain because others have it a lot worse than me but I'm sure tired of it. I want my body and mind at peace for just a moment. I'm sure once I get my emotional state in check and lose a bazillion pounds I'll feel a lot better. I'm sure glad I have the friends I do, who except me for who I am.

2009-01-05T09:40:00.004-06:00

Matt is safely back at Fort Benning, Alex has gone to school , and Steve has gone to the gym on base, so I have the whole house to myself this morning. First time in what seems like forever!!! I like the silence. What makes it even better is that it's cold outside and it's raining. It's a cuddly day with my poochie Gizmo!

The Bell's Palsy is driving me nuts today. Maybe because of the cold and rain it hurts more. I've been massaging my face to keep the muscle worked. I keep looking for any improvement...none...yet. I know I can pass this trial...it could be a lot worse.

Talked with Matt last night before he had to go to formation, he's a litle overwhelmed and blue. He already misses home and he misses Jennifer. I told him it was normal to feel the after vacation blues. No one likes to go back to the real world. I reassured him that we were always there for him. He overwhelmed because of his ankle being sprained. He doesn't know what the army will say or do with him. Later...he starts RIP on February 5th. It gives his ankle a month to heal, so that's good.

I'm so ready to go back to work. I go for my 5 week check up tomorrow. Hopefully the doc will say I can go back to work next week. I do feel better. I haven't been able to follow doc orders very well. I've been running around way to much. My parents were angels and didn't let me do to much around the house. I got pretty much no help from my husband or kids.

Ok, I'm a bit on the blue side. I want so much more in life. I just need to decide how to get there. Lots of decisions to make and it's a bit overwhelming. But I'm going to enjoy today, or this morning that is!

2009-01-03T09:35:00.003-06:00

This has been an interesting few weeks. It's been hectic, stressful, happy, maddening, you name it.

I had a great time with my parents and Matt. Mom and Dad went home yesterday and Matt goes home today. Family is what it's all about!!! I will dearly miss them.

New Years Eve was fun. We had our usual buffet: shrimp, greek spinach pies, wings, tamales, finger sandwiches, etc. and of cours the sparkling bubbly. We toasted early this year because Steve had to go to work at 10:00pm. But that was okay...by midnight my folks were asleep and I was dozing in a chair. Of course Matt and Alex stayed up most the night playing video games.

New years day Mom, Dad, and I went to see the movie "Marley and Me" (awesome movie by the way!). During the movie I noticed something happening to my face. My muscles weren't moving on the right side. It hit suddenly. I didn't panic because a few years back Alex came down with Bell's Palsy. I had a sneaking suspicion that I had been hit. I wasn't worried about a stroke because I didn't see the other signs. However, after the movie we headed straight for the ER to make sure there wasn't some other underlying symptom causing the paralysis. After 4 hours of waiting in a room I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. NO FUN. I'm embarrassed to smile because I'm only 1/2 happy (haha). I do have pain in the back of my head that wraps around under my ear and along the jawline. It keeps me awake (it really does hurt). I have to use eye drops in my right eye because I can't blink. Man I look funny. Murphys Law I guess. Surgery, bladder infection, Bell's Palsy all in one month...hmmmm. At least I'm trying to laugh about it. I make an awesome pirate face!...without trying..hehehehe!

2008-12-31T22:36:00.002-06:00

New Years resolutions...how many of us keep them?!? We all make them though. So I've been thinking about what I want for 2009. Instead of calling them resolutions, I'm calling them goals. As long as I'm moving forward and progressing, no matter how far I get (each one is different), then I'm successful. These are some of the things I want to work on:

Personal

1. Continue to develop a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

2. Study the scriptures more often...daily would be great.

3. Moving my life along.

4. Lose weight...I now know that I don't have to be skinny to feel good about myself. I do not have to be model-thin. Society will not dictate what's best for me.

Family

1. Be more patient with Alex and help him reach for his potential.

2. Make decisions that will ultimatley affect the family in a good way.

Work

1. Contract with two or more doctors to do their billing. Don't want to grow too fast, roots need to grow deep.

Fun/Social

1. Try to go to more church activities and fight the feeling of being a wallflower (we all know who puts those thoughts in our head).

These are just a few. Some will continues even past 2009. I really want to make good changes this year.

I hope that all my family and friends have a great New Year. May God bless you all.

A reward!

2008-12-28T19:55:00.002-06:00

I received this reward from Screaming Mimi...Thanks so much Pam!! Like her I enjoy the blogs with depth in them. This is what she had to say:

I really like this award because of the way it says that these bloggers are not interested in lots of prizes, awards, etc.
I have been to some blogs, where the only goal seems to be snatching blog awards anywhere they can find them, whether they have been given these awards or not. The blogs I love are ones that I can relate to. The ones that deal with lifes joys, pitfalls & surprises with grace and laughter.The award states:"This blog invests and believes the PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships!These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

I don't have eight I can send this to as Pam has already done so from those that I know. I do however have one more person and that is Aubrey at The Dogghouse!. She is my cousin and I love her blog. I love how she shares herself spiritually. Love ya Aubrey!

2008-12-21T00:26:00.003-06:00

What a fun Christmas season this is. My folks got in a few days ago. And Matt came home tonight!

Matt had some real neat experiences the last two days. While sitting in the airport for nearly 24 hours he had a lot of people come up and shake his hand and say thank you to him. I think that shows there are still genuine people in the world. It makes my heart swell with pride. Then while he was waiting at the gate he had fallen asleep. A nice person woke him up so he wouldn't miss the flight. When he went to the counter, the attendant looked at Matt and said "You're sitting up front!" and bumped him to 1st class for free. I thought that was pretty nice. He sleep comfortable for 2.40 hours.

Matt didn't tell his girlfriend Jenifer that he was coming home tonight (he was supposed to come home tomorrow). He just showed up at her door!

I've been so enjoying the last few days. I've had a couple of very busy days. (Not what the doctor told me to do). So outside of going to church tomorrow, I will be staying home and relaxing. I can't undo everything that was surgically fixed. I did get to start working from home this week...ok'd by the doctor. I actually enjoyed it too.

It's a very cold night here. It was in the 70's during the day but a cold front has come through and it's only 32 now. Brrrrr....

Matt's Jump!

2008-12-15T18:45:00.003-06:00

Ok, first let me start off by saying "Yes I'm a sponge". Now that that is out of the way Matt called and told me about his jump from an airplane today. He said that he really didn't jump as much as he got sucked out of the plane. So now he is free falling and his shoot is supposed to automatically open up...I said it did...right??? He's says, "Well mom, no it actually didn't". My stomach hits the floor . So I said, "At least your backup did." He says. "Well actually it didn't". At this point I'm trying to process what he's telling me, after all I was actually talking to him so he had to have made it down safe...right? I asked him what he did. He said as he was free falling he thought for sure it was over...he was going to die. So he unbuckled his harness and landed on another soldiers open shoot. I'm thinking..well...wouldn't that collapse that soldiers shoot? I was trying to understand what he was saying. Well you guessed it...I was the butt of a joke. I'm not stupid...just gullable! He actually did just fine and jumped twice. He jumps two more times tomorrow and is looking forward to it. I'm just breathing a sigh of relief.

The Race

2008-12-14T23:53:00.005-06:00

"Quit, give up, you're beaten"
They shout at you and plead
"There's just too much against you
This time you can't succeed".

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failures face
My downward fall is broken
by The memory of a race

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene
Or just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being

Childrens race, young boys
Young men, how I remember well
Excitement sure, but also fear
It wasn't hard to tell

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that
At least take second place

The fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he could be the one

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boys desire

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought
"My dad will be so proud"

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped

Trying hard to catch himself
With hands flew out to brace
And amid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said
"Get up and win the race"

He quickly rose, no damage done
Behind a bit that's all
And ran with all his night and mind
To make up for the fall

So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again

He wised then that he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now
I shouldn't try to race"

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his fathers face
That steady look which said again
"Get up and win the race"

So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last
If I'm going to gain those yards he though
I've got to move real fast

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten
But trying hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again

Defeat, he lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye
There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?

The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind so error prone
A loser all the way

"I've lost, so what", he thought
I'll live with my disgrace
But then he thought about his dad
Whom soon he'd have to face

"Get up" the echo sounded low
"Get up" and take your place
You were not meant for failure here
"Get up", and win the race

With borrowed will "Get up" it said
"You haven't lost at all"
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall

So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit
He resolved, that win or lose
At least he shouldn't quit

So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been
Still he'd give it all he had
And run as though to win

Three times he'd fallen, stumbling
Three times he'd rose again
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place
Head high and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race

And even though he came in last
With head bent low, unproud
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd

And to his dad he sadly said
"I didn't do too well"
"To me you won", his father said "
You rose each time you fell"

by D. H. Groberg

The Meaning of Christmas Symbols

2008-12-13T22:09:00.001-06:00

Here are the meanings to the Christmas symbols

·The Star: A heavenly signs of prophecy fulfilled long, long ago- The shining hope of mankind.

·The Color Red: The first color of Christmas, symbolizing that Savior's sacrifice for all.

·The Fir Tree: Evergreen- the second color of Christmas shows everlasting light and life. The needles point up to heaven.

·The Bell: Rings out to guide lost sheep back to the fold, signifying that all are precious in His eyes.

·The Candle: A mirror of starlight, reflecting our thanks for the star of Bethlehem.

·The Gift Bow: Tied as we should all be tied together in bonds of goodwill forever.
·The Candy Cane: Represents the shape of the shepherd's crook, used to bring lost lambs back to the fold.

The Wreath: A symbol of the never ending eternal value of love…having no end

2008-12-13T21:12:00.000-06:00

Gizmo has been by my side everyday since my surgery. He's just too darned cute. If I sleep, he sleeps. If I get up he gets up. And then, of course, if HE plays, I play. Here a a couple of pictures of him destroying my bed. He loves to bury himself under my pillow. And then he waits for his prey...ME!

And he can be so cute when he sleeps. He was cold and had crawled under a leg warmer on my bed.

Pondering Friendships

2008-12-11T23:34:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about the friends I've made since I moved to Texas. At the time my husband was active duty Marine. We moved here in 1998. For the past 5 years we lived in Belton, Missouri. I did daycare and developed friendships with the other daycare providers. Being the kind of person that I am...I gave my all in a friendship. I developed a strong bond with Percilla. We took our daycare kids everywhere together, we watched each others kids when we got sick, etc. A true friendship...right?!!??! Or so I thought...

When Steve got his transfer orders to Texas I was sad because I had good friends here, especially one.

(Sidenote: I'm very greatful to have come to Texas. We were ordered to California. I have never wanted to live in California. I always dreaded it. Well, one of my daycare moms knew our monitor and reminded him that he owed her a favor. She told him to not mess with her babysitter because she did not want to go to California...so he sent us here to Fort Worth)

Ok, back to my ponderings...When I told Percilla that we were moving to Fort Worth she dropped a bomb on me. She did not hang on to friendships once people move. She said they come here, they leave, they're gone, end of story. I was floored. That's not what I consider true friendships. I don't cut people off like that! How can people do that. I was devastated. I have friends all over the place. I sure remember them and kept in contact as I can. Yes, I know distance can make a friendship fade, but it's not like cutting it off completely and pretending it was never there. I felt real alone when I moved here. I had no friend to share my change with.

Anyway, my point in all of this was that I don't get it. I've been thinking about it for the past few days (don't really know why). Can anyone explain it to me.

MY FAVORITE 'P' THINGS!

2008-12-11T09:38:00.000-06:00

My friend has this on her blog and I thought it was pretty cool, so I asked her for a letter. The game is easy! All you have to do is make a list of ten of your favorite things. There's a little catch. Everything on the list has to start with a specific letter of the Alphabet. That letter is randomly assigned by the blogger who you are playing with! I got "P".

So here is my list of 'P' favorites in no particular order:

1. Pasta, pizza, peanut butter...when you love food like I do, you can't just list one!

2. Pictures...pictures are my way of capturing memories. I'm a scrapaholic!

3. Playing...with Gizmo. He is the pup who has stolen my heart!

4. Proud...I'm proud of my children and the accomplishments they've made in their lives!

5. Plenty of friends...I have made some real good friends over the past 8 years. They are truely a blessing.

6. Parents...I love my parents tremendously. They lovingly raised me in the right way to live. For that I will always be grateful.

7. Petunia, pansies, petals...yep I love flowers of any kind!

8. Peace...I love peace. I am a peace maker. Live is so much happier lived in peace.

9. Purple...is one of many colors I enjoy.

10. Promise...the promise of a new day is something to look forward to. Will you make each day better?

So there you have it. I did have to get a little creative as the letter 'P' wasn't as easy as I thought. So now leave me a note and I'll give you a letter to work on!!

2008-12-10T20:05:00.000-06:00

Today has been a lazy day. I did nothing but chill out. Surfed the internet, surfed itunes, read (Twilight), watched TV (The Game Plan (?) with "The Rock". The one where he has a little girl..way too cute). Lets see... talked to mom and dad for about an hour. See what I mean...LAZY!!! And I think it will be that way tomorrow too. I'm still bleeding from the surgery...not sure how long that's supposed to last so I've definitely decided to slow down. I go see the doctor for my two week check up on monday.

Matt is excited to come home. He said he is tired. I bet he is...it's hard being put on a schedule. But wait until he comes home...he'll be so used to getting up early that his body alarm will kick in. Hmmmm....maybe I'll invest in some ear plugs!

I wish I could drive Friday....I want to go to the movies. It's become my treat for myself. I thought I'd hate going by myself but it's actually fun.

Okay, so I know my last few posts have been boring...but now you know how bored I really am...lol!

No more torchure tonight!...

2008-12-09T22:30:00.000-06:00

So I'm one week and a day after surgery. I've been told to take it easy. Basically rest and relax. No lifting, vaccuming, etc. Well I haven't been able to stay true to that. My house is a wreck and I have a teenager who just doesn't understand...or because of that nasty stage... just doesn't care. I put my own sheets on the bed the other day. I have a kingsize mattress. I took my time doing it but it sure pooped me out. Then today I couldn't handle the kitchen anymore. I gave in and cleaned it. Afterward I took a very long nap...I was wore out. When I was growing up I had chores and I helped around the house. Unfortunately I didn't have the backup help I needed to instill this in my children. My youngest is in charge of the dishes. His idea is to load the dishwasher maybe 1/4 full and that's enough to run it. Oh, and lets not forget that he thinks the dishwasher is a scrubber too. Forget about wiping down the counters or cleaning out the sink. And I've done the laundry. I did demand someone take the baskets of clothes and put them on my bed. I was not a horrible housekeeper back in the day. But when my kids got old enough to help out, BUT DIDN'T ...I gave up. Just as soon as I have everything looking nice...WHAM...its a mess, that fast. I know this is a big ol long rant but I had to get it out. I'm dying inside! Can I go live by myself?!?!??!?

2008-12-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

So I am home from surgery. I actually came home wednesday night. Monday was the surgery. It was supposed to start at 9:15 am but didn't get started until after 12:30 sometime. I remember very little from being wheeled into the O.R. They put me out so fast. I usually will feel it hit and the be out shortly afterwards but this time...BAM...I'm gone. Everything went well. Once they removed the utuerus my bladder bounced right back where it should be so they did not have to perform that procedure. However they did find a hernia in another area (don't care to mention where...ahem) so that got fixed. I have a vague recollection of being in the recovery room. My regular room was not ready so I was in recovery for 4 hours. Hardly remember it. I do remember that they let Steve see me for a few minutes...but thats all I remember. Matt's girlfriend Jenifer came to the hospital and waited with Steve. I thought that was so sweet. She brought me flowers and a balloon. The first night was hard. I hurt and hardly slept. They had to keep me turning positions every 2 hours. The nurse that first night was so sweet. As for the others...they were nice but hardly saw them. Hospital food is awful...especially when they put you on a liquid diet. I HATE GREEN JELLO!!!!...nuf said...hehehehe.

I am home now and actually getting bored. Also frustrated. There are things I want to do but I can't because I can't lift anything over 10 pounds. I walk up and down the stairs for entertainment. Six weeks of this!!!...aaagggghhhh!

Fun times are coming though. Mom and Dad will be here on the 17th and will stay through the new year. And Matt comes home on the 20th!!! We will have lots of fun!

Gizmo.....gizmo is begging me to play with him....more later...

Butterflies in my stomach

2008-11-30T18:12:00.000-06:00

Surgery is looming ahead of me...have to be there in 12 hours...7:15am. I am so nervous. I've never been put under for that long, 3.5 hours. For me, that's the scariest thing. Yes I know all will be well...the human side of me is trembling. Hey I get a six week reprieve from the office...going in that is! I'll be able to work from home in a few weeks. I'll be looking forward to it because I know I'll get bored.I really do like my job.

Talked with Matt, he has his PT test in the morning at 6:00 am and then leaves for airborne at 11:00. I asked him if he was looking forward to learning how to fall on his head. Steve had said that he never has headaches except when he went through airborne. Then Matt gets to come home for Christmas...YEA!!!

Alex and I went to see Quantum of Solace today. It was alright but nothing spectacular. There really was no story...very littel anyway. But it was action packed. Then we watched Hancock at home. It was good, kind of corney but good. I'm watching a lot of movies today to keep my mind preoccupied. So I also watched The Bishops Wife w/ Cary Grant It's really good. I like old movies.

Well I'm about to find something else to watch and climb into bed. Don't know that I'll sleep much but if I go to bed now I may doze off and on.

Say some prayers for me for tomorrow. Thanks!

A Day for Pampering

2008-11-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

Today I am going to pamper myself. I'm going to go see 'Twilight' in an hour all by my lonesome. And then I'm going to go get a pedicure..heck I might even get a manicure. Then I'm going to relax at home...curl up with a blanket, my poochie Gizmo, and a good book. Of course I'll probably end up snoozing a bit....but who cares...I'm pampering myself.

Thanksgiving Day

2008-11-27T19:38:00.000-06:00

Whew! I'm so full...not eating again for a long time. Yeah, if only that were true, lol!
Steve had to work today so we had our feast at 5:00 pm. Actually that's good because I don't want any leftovers tonight.

This being Thanksgiving I wanted to list a few things I'm thankful for:

1-I'm thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows me inside and out and blesses me with the things I need. I'm grateful that He loves me in spite of my faults.

2-I'm thankful for two wonderful boys. They have brought joy, love and peace to my soul.

3- I'm thankful for my parents who taught me the right way to live. To love my Savior and to follow in His way.

4-I'm thankful for the friends that I have. I thank them for standing by me when I need them most.

5- I'm thankful for my sweet poochie...yes I am. This pup is "womens best friend". Gizmo has completely stolen my heart!

What are you thankful for......

Thanksgiving Eve

2008-11-26T17:59:00.000-06:00

Today I had my pre-op appointment and final doctor consultation. My surgery is at Harris Downtown Fort Worth. That Hospital is huge. Thank heavens there was a worker in the garage becuase I didn't have a clue where to go. She took me right to where I needed to be. Of course they drew blood and did an EKG. Then it was off to see the surgeon. I feel confident in him. Dumb comment...I'd have to feel confident or he wouldn't be doing my surgery. Anywho...Monday is the big day. I have to be there at 7:15 and the surgery is scheduled for 9:15. The doc said it would take about 3 1/2 hours to complete. I know I will be staying overnight. The nurse had to fight my insurance company for that. They wanted to send me home afterwards. How stupid is that!! An organ is being removed and some others repairs being made. I hate that 'Get-em-in...get-em-out' mentality. Let's make sure the patient is okay first...sheesh!!!

I'm making the full blown Thankgiving dinner for tomorrow. It's only the Three of us but they like it. So tonight I will be making the pies and doing all the prep work for tomorrow. The only thing different this year is that I bought a small turkey verses the humongous bird.

I'm going to see 'Twilight' on friday...by myself. Can't get Alex to go. I've heard both good and bad. But the good has outweighed the bad. So I will make my own decision!

Well...I'm going to start my cooking marathon....chat at ya later!

Matt Graduation Pictures

2008-11-24T17:51:00.000-06:00

Matt Turning Blue

Matt Graduation Day

Wearing the military issued glasses (he looks like Urkle!!!)

Matt Bootcamp Graduation

2008-11-24T10:32:00.000-06:00

My visit with Matt was just wonderful!! Get ready for a long post here…lol

We were scheduled for the 5:45 AM flight out of Fort Worth to Houston. We live 45 minutes away from the airport (You need to know this before hand). We get there and pull out our ID’s….all except Matt’s girlfriend Jenifer. She left it at our house!!! So needless to say we did’nt make the flight or the flight from Houston to Atlanta. We drove all the way back to my house got her ID and booked it back to the airport hoping to catch the 6:35 am flight. We were 5 minutes late. Murphy’s Law you know! We finally got to Atlanta around 5:00 pm. We stayed at The Suburban Extended stay Hotel (Jeannie do you know where that is...it’s on Victory) It was pretty nice.

Matt’s Turning Blue Ceremony was on Thursday morning. It was so cool to see him come running out to formation. Steve put his blue cord on him. Then Matt got to spend the day with us. We just went back to the hotel and chilled. Matt was in seventh heaven updating his computer, etc.

The Graduation was Friday morning and boy was it COLD!!! I got some cool pictures (at least I think so) of the little presentation they put on before the soldiers marched onto the field. There were 250 soldiers graduating. I loved it! Matt got to spend the weekend with us. Took him shopping for clothes, etc. He’s so happy to have some freedom now. And He got his cell phone back. He’s already text me today…hehehehe.

Fort Benning is huge!!! Biggest Base I’ve every seen. It was a great time.

The flight home was miserable from Atlanta to Houston. Since we were on passed we got the left over seats. I was stuck in the very back row, middle seat, in between two older men. One was real nice and we talked a bit. The other guy was annoyed because I’m not small. It was claustrophobic! But I made it home and I get to pick up my poochie today at 2:00!!!

Sorry this was so long. I’ll attach pics in a bit. I’ve got to figure out how again!
Everyone have a great day!

It's Almost Here!!!

2008-11-18T07:24:00.000-06:00

OMG...24 hours from now I'll be in Houston awaiting the flight to Atlanta, GA. Then we'll get in the rental car and drive to Fort Benning. I'm so excited! I'm sure I won't sleep much tonight. We have to be to the airport by 5:00 am. Heck, why bother even going to bed...LOL!

I do have one thing that makes me sad about leaving. I'm boarding Gizmo at the vets. Now I know they love him but he's never been in a kennel. He'll be so lonely. He won't understand why I left him there. Oh shoot...now I'm crying. Gizmo is people to me. He's my baby. He loves me in spite of my faults. Gizmo is king of the house! He is the sweetest dog I've ever had. I love this pooch like he was my child. I know the people at the vet are fond of him and will take good care of him. It's probably going to be harder on me than Gizmo....sigh

Gotta get to work here so if I have time I'm post more later...

It was a hit!!

2008-11-17T18:52:00.000-06:00

The primary program was a success! We only went over 10 minutes. The kids were so cute and sang so loud. I made a few mistakes but all was good. I give thanks to my Heavenly Father for getting me through that. It has always been a fear of mine. I have played the piano for the primary off and on over the last 29 years. But I have never...NEVER had to play for the yearly program. I was either released before it or was a primary teacher at the time. So this was a huge hurdle for me. I had no sweaty palms, no hyperventilating, etc. I just did my thing. It felt good. Imagine that...29 years of fear...and finally I've overcome...just don't ask me to play a solo!!!!

I can't believe how fast time has flown. July 30th we sent Matt off to bootcamp...now we're off to see his graduation day after tomorrow. HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!! I bet he's changed a whole lot. He may be grown up now but he will always be my baby :0)

2008-11-16T10:02:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Alex and I put up the Christmas tree and decorations. I normally don't do it until Thanksgiving Day or there after. But with my surgery looming in the distance and going to see Matt this week, along with getting my work computer moved to here at home (I do work on my laptop two days a week but not all week long. Don't want to tire the poor thing out) and family coming, house cleaning , etc., Christmas decorations needed to be done now...whew, long sentence! Anyway we played Christmas music and really got in the spirit of it all. And a cool thing too is that is was very chilly outside so it even felt like Christmas. Too bad there wasn't snow.

Today is the Primary program. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I sure hope I don't blow it for the kids...heck...they won't even care...it's just me who gets all embarrassed hitting wrong notes. I've never had to actually play in sacrament meeting before so this will be a first. I'll let you know how they did (as well as me..lol)

Is this my house???

2008-11-14T17:45:00.000-06:00

This morning I talked to mom and dad for a bit. I'm so excited to have them come spend Christmas and NewYears with us!! We will just sit back and relax and enjoy each others company!!

After talking to my folks I started cleaning....do you know what I found out... the lamp shades in my living room are cream in color...not grey! It was like getting a new accessory for my living room...LOL!

I had bought a new vaccum because our windtunnel was too hard to maintain. Well the one I got is Bissel and I really like the hose/ attachments, the suction is awesome...however I don't care so much for the rest (except it does real well on hardwood floors). So I have decided to keep my old one as well where I like the carpet cleaning part and not the hose.

Now that I've totally bored you and put me to sleep...I'm trying real hard to whip this place into shape. I confess I'm not the greatest housekeeper but I'm sure trying.

Matt called last night and he is sooooo looking forward to seeing us. He sounds tired. He said they've been cleaning all the equipment, guns, barracks, etc. all week. It's been no lights out 24/7. I asked him when they slept and he said whenever they can find a moment. They've learned to sleep with the lights on. Man, I could never do that...I want it dark!!!

Tonight Ghost Whisperer is on and I'm shocked they killed off Melinda's husband. My jaw hit the floor in last weeks episode. Tonight I've already to everyone...LEAVE ME ALONE...while I'm watching it tonght.

It's getting cool outside. The coldfront is starting through. I just wish it would stay, I'm a winter kind of girl!

More later...

2008-11-13T10:24:00.000-06:00

Here is the quiz for today. I have no idea how to tag, link, etc. So enjoy and if the urge hit's you leave me a comment with your own answers!

3's about me (that you may not already know) Three jobs I have had in my life: Multi-line Insurance Rater, Home Daycare Provider, Medical Billing/Coding

Three shows that I watch: Ghost Whisperer, House, Reality Shows (some of them)

Three places I have been this week: Church, movie theater, work

Three people who e-mail me regularly: Christy, Mom, Joanna

Three of my favorite foods: Steak, anything Mexican, anything Italian

Three places I'd rather be: Blaine Minnesota (visiting family), Hawaii , getting a spa treatment somewhere

Three people I think will respond: Aubrey, Joanna, Jeannie

Three things I am looking forward to: Seeing Matt in a week!!! Christmas and New Years ( family coming to see us!)

2008-11-13T08:21:00.000-06:00

I had a blast working on my blog last night. A lot of fun things out there and other blogs to creatively copy from...LOL. So I thank Aubrey, Jeannie, and Pam. I sure would like to get more creative in what I write. It's more like a journal for me but I really like the quizes I receive on my email so I think I may add some of those too.

Today through Saturday is major house cleaning day. On top of that I'm going to do a little shopping. I want to find one of the fiberoptic Christmas trees. they are so pretty and low maintenance. Otherwise I want a tree with the lights already on it and new decorations. Christmas this year is going to be awesome. Matt, my parents, hopefully Steve's mom will all be here.

I'm off and running now but will add more meaningful substance to my blog later...chow!

ONE MORE WEEK!!!!!! November 12, 2008

2008-11-12T08:53:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how fast time flies! We're already getting things together to go see Matt. His friend Jenifer and I are coordinating how we're going to get the things Matt wants us to bring to him. Since we're flying on buddy passes, we are carrying our bags on board. I am not looking forward to the squishy seats.

I am cleaning my house from top to bottom (ok, I'll give it a good effort since I'm not the greatest keeper). Time is going to fly from next week on for a while. When we get back from Georgia, I've got to get all the Christmas stuff up and the house decorated...Have Thanksgiving (which by the way was started by my ninth Great Grandfather Governor William Bradford). Then December 1st is my surgery.

I really not looking forward to the surgery....actually kind of scared. Four procedures will be done and the doctor said it would take about 3 1/2 hours to complete. I'll be sore for a while, but I'll have 6 weeks to recover.

Mom and Dad, Steve's mom (maybe), are coming down for Christmas. Matt is so excited ans well as I am!!!

Will need to complete my thoughts later as I'm supposed to be working.....check back later!

Tuesday November 11, 2008

2008-11-11T07:44:00.000-06:00

It's 7:49 am and already I have spend several hours searching my heart for the things I want in life. I'm actually feeling pretty good about some of the decisions I've come up with. Actually they are things I've thought about for some time. It's time to take control of myself, take care of myself, be the person I want to be. It feels good. Now I know I need to go to my Heavenly Father first to see if these changes are what's best for me. But for the first time in a long time...my head and heart are in the same place. Heck, who knows, maybe now I can quit sabatoshing myself LOL!

I'm actually starting to have fun with this blog. I'm still pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to put things on it..but hey, that's the nature of the beast! Oh, and Jeannie, if you happen to visit my blog...I'm really not copying....just having a lot of fun!!

Eight more days and we fly out to visit Matt!!!! I'm sooooooo excited. Can't say I'm too excited about the plane ride (ie the very small seats!). I'm feeling sad about leaving Gizmo behind. I'm boarding him at our vets. They really like him and I know they'll take good care of him. It's just that I have never kennel trained him. He'll freak!!! My poor baby...sob......

It's time to get working...I love my job!! Ta-ta for now :0)

2008-11-10T23:30:00.001-06:00

I wrote Matt a long letter today. I was listing the things I had to do before he got home. I started to get that anxiety feeling. It's a strange feeling. It's a sense of...how to describe...a sense of not being in control. It didn't last long but I was surprised I felt that way in just writing a letter.

Anywho, I'm taking a deep breath and trying to go with the flow.

Yesterday we practiced for the Primary program. What a hoot! Our primary is fairly large...imagine at least 50-60+ kids in a restless state for 2 hours. Oh my gosh, the program is supposed to be about 35-40 minute long...it took 2 hours to get through it just once...hehehe. Somehow every year it all works out. The children behave, remember their parts, and hopefully the pianist doesn't screw up LOL!

One worry has been removed from my mind as far as work is concerned through my recovery from surgery. I will be bringing my PC home so I have access to everything on it and not have to worry about someone else printing something out for me. So I'm relieved. I'm one of those people who hates relying on others for help. I know...I need to let others help me when in need. It's not only a blessing for me but a blessing for others who want to serve. It's just hard getting that through my head.

People from church will be bringing in meals for a little while in the beginning so Steve and Alex don't have to worry about it. My folks will be here for Christmas and just having them here to enjoy their company is a comfort. Steve's mom may being coming down too. She would do anything for me. I will say that I have been blest with the most absolute wonderful parents anyone could ask for. And I also was blest with the most wonderful Mother-in-law!

I am so looking forward to Matt coming home for Christmas. He loves Christmas...the lights, the music, the Christmas shows, the goodies...just the whole feeling of love at Christmas time.

I remember one Christmas while growing up that I'll never forget. We did a sub for Santa program that year. I was a senior in high school. We were asked to buy gifts for the children of the family that we were given. We did more than that. Each of us kids willingly gave up part of our own christmas and purchased toys for the children. As a family we didn't stop there, we also provided clothing to this family, including the mom & dad. They were hand me downs from our family, but these clothes, coats, etc. were in awsome condition. Then we bought a Christmas Tree with all the lights and decorations. Then we provided them with a Christmas dinner including all the trimmings. I remember when we got to their home, the father had the kids go in a back room because "Santa" has just arrived. My dad does the best Ho-ho-ho's!!! You could hear the kids giggling of excitement in the background. As we brought all of these things in I glanced at the mother and there were tears streaming down her face. It was the most humbling moment for me. It wasn't all the things we were giving them. It was letting these strangers know that we loved them. The car ride home was silent...a peaceful silence. Grateful to be able to serve our brothers and sisters of the world. I always tear up when I think about that Christmas. That is what Christmas is all about.

It it so past my bedtime but somehow I feel like I just might get enough sleep. Going to sleep on these wonderful memories. Think I'll listen to some Christmas tunes to go to sleep by!

Sunday November 9, 2008

2008-11-09T11:40:00.000-06:00

I feel like I'm trapped in a raging whirlpool, getting spun around and around. It's amazing to me how much pressure I put on myself because of my weight. I know I judge myself way too harshly. And right now I want to hide under the nearest (and biggest) rock. I was doing so good. From March of this year to July of this year I has lost 44 pounds. And now half of it is back on. I'm an emotional eater. I let littel stresses become big stresses. Things that are stressing me right now (and please don't laugh because they're huge to me even if not to anyone else): Having to play the piano for the Primary program next Sunday, fitting in an airplane seat that's smal even to a regular size person (and continental is the worst!), Matt seeing me with weight back on, my upcoming surgery, and a few other things that I don't care to write about.

I'm not having a pity me party, I'm just venting the emotions I have always dealt with. I always feel like I'm second best...or third...or fourth...etc. Now I can't say that with my children. I adore them and I know they love me. And of course my parents...they are the best any could ask for. They would do anything for me and I for them. I guess I'm talking about other relationships, but I don't want to get into it right now.

I seem to always run away from things and I don't want to do that anymore. I have made a lot of wonderful changes to myself over the past two years so I am grateful for that. I just need to keep moving forward.

I have to be positive the rest of the day. I owe it the those wonderful primary children who are so innocent. If they can overlook all my wrong notes...then I should be able too also.

More later....

Thursday October 30, 2008

2008-10-30T11:02:00.000-05:00

Today I start a 4 week challenge with a forum group that I participate in. The challenge is to be 100% on plan at losing weight. I fell off after my vacation in July. Not good...now I have to practically start all over. I did not gain all the weight back that I lost, however enough back that I'm uncomfortable. I think about the airplane ride to GA, it's coming up very quickly...will I fit in the seat. Oh yes, I think about that a lot.

I've been thinking about the resurrection and the millennium lately. What it will be like, etc. It's my new interest of research. I especially wonder about having children. Since I'm too old now and technically after my surgery I won't be able too...I wonder if it will happen then. Food for though.

I'm working from home right now but these thoughts were in my head and I needed to write them down. More later...

Tuesday October 28, 2008

2008-10-28T20:56:00.000-05:00

Lots of time has past since I've posted on my blog. Guess I'm not the greatest at writing but hey...it's for me right!

Matt is done with boot camp and is in AIT now. He'll graduate on November 21st. I'm real excited to see him. Gosh I'm proud of him. He has grown so much. The maturity level amazes me.

We've settled into our groove at work. It's been a whirlwind. Taking a defunct company and turning it around has been an amazing trip. Our doctors couldn't be happier. It's now time to go out and drum up some new business. I say a little at a time so that roots can be planted & grow deep. I love the fact that I could make the decision to work from home 2 days a week. It lets me have that homemaker feel that I always liked as well as earning money.

My surgery is coming up on December 1st. I'm not looking forward to the actual surgery but I cant wait for the repairs. I'll have a six week recovery. I'll be able to sit back and relax as I can't lift anything , drive, or be very active for a bit. I will be able to work at home after a couple of weeks.

This past weekend I had a great time. I spent two night with my closest friend. We cropped and watched movies to our hearts content. We took her husband's Sky for a drive running errands. Talk about feeling like a teenager again. The top was down, the sun in my face, the wind blowing through my hair...we had a blast...lol! We definitely have to plan that again.

The Primary program at church is in two weeks. I'm terrified to play the piano in fron tof the congregation. I know they are listening to the kids and not me. But I don't want to blow it for the kids. I hate the piano in the chapel. You have to push so hard and the music stand is up so high. At least I have someone playing with me so I only have to do half the songs.

Steve and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary tomorrow. It's hard to believe it's been 20 years already. I look back at us then and look at us now. There have been ups and downs but I have a lot to be greatful for. Two beautiful kids, our own home, good stable jobs, and a husband that makes me laugh.

It's the bewitching hour so I must get my sleep. More later...

Saturday September 13, 2008

2008-09-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

We watched all last night and quite a bit today concerning hurricane Ike. We were going to get tropical rains and winds as far north as here. The only thing we saw was a regular rainy day. I feel blest because Ike did some heavy duty damage in Galveston, Houston, etc. I guess I followed Ike more closely because I served my mission in the Texas Houston Mission which encompassed all these areas. I even served one month in Galveston. I was there during hurricane Alicia (not in Galveston) but in Madisonville, which is one hour north east of Houston. We say heavy rains, winds, downed trees, etc. then.

Matt called today to make sure that we were not in harms way. I assured him we were fine. Matt has settled into boot camp. He is a squad leader!!! (I'm so proud) and qualified as a sharpshooter. He's just shy of qualifying as an expert, which he is working on now. He loves going to church and says he feels so good when he walks through the doors. Matt graduates on November 21st. I'm looking forward to going to his graduation. His girlfriend, Jenifer will be going with us (which Matt is so excited).

Not a whole lot has gone on the past little bit. I'm still plugging away. Am definitley having a struggle with the diet. I've put a couple pounds back on (which I hate) but I'm going to try real hard starting tomorrow to get back on. I've worked so hard to get to this point and I don't want to fail.

Alex is working at Spring Creek BBQ. He buses tables and seems to enjoy making the money. He drives Matt's car to work which frees me up in the evenings.

Steve is plugging away at stopping crime on the streets of FTW.

Gizmo is....well...just about the sweetest thing around!!!! He and I have a routine every morning on the days I work from home. He wakes me up...way to early *sigh* and gets on the bed, smothers me in kisses. Then I have to let him outside. Once he's done,we race to the couch where I get the second round of doggy kisses. Who wouldn't love that!!!!!!

Well...I'm a bit on the exhausted side so it's off to bed for me...nighty nite!!!

August 30, 2008

2008-08-30T21:33:00.000-05:00

A lot has gone on the past few weeks. Matt is finally at book camp and seems to be enjoying it!!! The drill sargeants seem to like and respect him. He gets kidded a lot but to me that shows respect for Matt because he can take it. One of them said that he must have been brought up well because he was smart and level headed He graduates on November 21st, 2008. Steve, Alex, myself and Jenifer are flying to Fort Benning and staying in base lodging. The night before thay have a ceremony where a family member can attached a blue stripe to matts uniform. Steve will do that. You can guess that I will be taking a ton of pictures...scrapbook time!!!!!

Alex started school this week. I can't believe he's a junior! He can get his drivers liscense this week. He got a job working at SpringCreek BBQ. He likes it a lot.

Nothing new with me except I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of my diet. I haven't gained any but if I'm not careful...
Alex and I went to see 'Traitor' today. It was a slow starter...but then it turned into a good movie. Alex and I have decided that we are going to go to the movies together, just him & I, twice a month. It'll be fun. Mother - Son time!

We got a Letter from Matt!!

2008-08-07T00:12:00.000-05:00

Good news...we got a letter from Matt today. As I suspected (I dreamt about it) he is homesick and isn't happy right now. He is in Reception right now and said they aren't doing anything. He is bored out of his mind. And having a hard time getting used to having Drill Sgts. I think once he gets to basic training it will change for him. Be more what he expected. But for now my heart hurts because he is hurting. The mom in me wants to give him a hug and tell him it'll be alright. Trials....we all have them, but sometimes it's pretty sucky!

He called tonight as well. We only got 5 minutes with him and it went by way to fast. Matt needs prayers right now. He needs to know he's not alone.

My mom gave me a great idea. To tell Matt to look at the moon. He may be far from us and not know what we're doing and feel like we've forgotten him. But when he looks at the moon he can know with asurity that I am looking at that very same moon thinking of him and praying for him. It will connect us together even though we are miles apart. It can be something we share.

I need to remind him to think about the blessing that Grandpa gave him. That the Lord would be with him and would keep him safe. Matt needs to have faith in that blessing and things will be okay.

Matt did ask that he get letters daily. I plan on sending letters and/or cards daily. And the packages when they're allowed to get them. Jenifer already has 6 letters to send him once we get an address for him. I'm in the middle of my second letter to him now.

Anyway it's late and I should be sleeping. So I will try to do that.

Enough for now...

Matt and Jenifer

Saturday August 2, 2008

2008-08-02T22:36:00.000-05:00

Wow, this month has whizzed by. Was busy spending as much time with Matt as possible. On Tuesday the 29th the recruiter picked Matt up to take him to Dallas. Then Wednesday we went up to Dallas to see Matt reswear in and sign contracts. And see him off on the bus to the Airport...Destination Fort Benning, GA via the airpot in Atlanta. It was sad to see him go. My first baby off on his own. Of course I cried privately at night in bed trying to deal with him leaving. He was able to take his cell phone and use it until Wednesday night when he got on the bus at ATL. He was texting me and then had to put his phone up. Haven't heard from him since. I'm antsy....I want to know that Matt is okay. Yes it's the Mom in me. I told him that even when he's 102 years old...he'd still be my baby!!! Otherwise I think I'm doing okay. Dad gave me a great Fathers blessing of comfort. I really feel it's power right now. Anyway I've added pictures for you to see. Please keep Matt in your prayers.

Sunday July 13, 2008

2008-07-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

Well, this past week has been interesting. First of all, Matt went to MEPS in Dallas Tuesday night. The Army put him up in a hotel because they had to be in the lobby at 4:20 am. Much easier that way since We're 45 min SW of Dallas. He went through all the exams, etc. When he told me about it it reminded me of the movie Pearl Harbor, the scene when they were at MEPS. Anyway, then when that was all finished...he swore in. My baby is now an Army Soldier. He hopes to be an Army Ranger. He leaves for Fort Benning on July 30th. That doesn't give me much time to be with him. After he's gone, I won't see him again until the middle of November. What's a mother to do .

I am proud of him. He's grown into a fine young man. He will do wonders with his life.

I have a lot more to say, but, I need to get ready for church. Will be back later.....

Friday July 4, 2008

2008-07-04T11:22:00.000-05:00

I got the neatest compliment yesterday from my neighbor across the street. I hadn't talked with her in a long while. She was out in her yard when I got home from the store. She said I was looking great. Thanks to 42 lbs gone! And she said that I looked so much happier...had a sparkle in my eyes. Why it meant so much to me is because she is one of those people who watch everything out the window. So even though I haven't spoken to her in a while, she has been watching my transformation. I didn't know that my unhappiness showed that much. Ahhh, the things you learn. Anyway, it felt good to hear that. I do feel better! I still have a long way to go with my weight...but I'm almost half way to my goal! And I love my job, it's rewarding!

Matt goes to Dallas on Tuesday to take his physical assesment test, etc. He ships out on 7/30/08 to Ft. Benning in Georgia. He'll be there for a while. Gosh I miss him already. I can't believe I have a child leaving the nest. When did he grow up? I swear I just gave birth to him yesterday!

Thursday July 3, 2008

2008-07-03T03:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's 3:30 am and I'm up. Couldn't sleep much. Matt has dropped a bombshell..... it's true.... he is enlisting in the Army Rangers... . I'm scared, as any mother would be. I'm also very proud of him. He will do a good job and my prayers will constantly be with him for his safety.

I guess that is a good reason for not being able to sleep

Wednesday July 2, 2008

2008-07-02T07:33:00.000-05:00

This morning I stopped to top off my tank with gas. I had 3/4 of a tank already and it still cost me $48! It's outrageous ! If I didn't work 18 miles from home I'd ride a bike...okay maybe not in this Texas heat, but it was a thought.

Steve and I went to dinner last night at 'On The Border'. Oh my gosh, it's good food. The scale didn't like me this morning. Going to have to double my water today to flush it out....sigh. I have a goal to have lost 45 lbs by the time Matt and I visit mom and dad. That's 4 lbs to loose in 2 weeks. I hope I do it. That means NO EATING OUT!!!!

I put on a shirt this morning and couldn't wear it. It was just way to big. Those are the silent victories I like!

Matt is looking into the Army Rangers. He really wants to be doing something now. I'm behind him in whatever decision he makes. As scared as I am for him to join the military right now, I'll be right there for him.

Alex put an application in at Taco Bell. I hope they hire him. He wants to earn money.

What happened to the time....weren't my boys just babies yesterday...

Well, I gotta check out for now. I have lots of payments to apply here at work.

More...later

Saturday June 28, 2008

2008-06-28T09:17:00.000-05:00

Today I'm off to find a few new things to wear. Isn't it just a shame to have to buy new clothes when you lose weight. LOL

It's going to be a lazy saturday except for a little house cleaning. Hmmmmm...wish a had a maid.
I also have a little office work left to do. I love being able to work from home a few days a week.

Matt is off working and Alex will help me a little. Maybe we'll watch a movie tonight.

More later....

Thursday June 26, 2008

2008-06-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

This morning Matt and I went to breakfast at Ihop. If I'm going to cheat this is a good place for breakfast. I got so full I didn't eat anything else all day. It was good to have a mother-son outing. Matt is researching all of his options on what to do with this next stage in his life. He graduated as a Texas Scholar on 6/3/08. I'm a real proud mama!

Alex has become a real track star. He was the district champion for school in the 110 & 300 hurdles. Do I have a future olympian on my hands?????!!!!!

Gizmo loves when I work from home. This afternoon he just wanted to be cuddled in my lap. Yes he has me tied around his finger...oops, paw!

Ohhhh, good news this morning. The scale said I lost another pound, 41 total !!

Wednesday June 25, 2008

2008-06-25T23:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought I'd give this blog thing a try. I'm not so good in writing in a journal and maybe this will help. That way I can share with my family and friends. And they can share back with me.

For starters, I've been dieting...I hate that word...I've been working on a life style change. Much better! I started this change 3/19/08. I was at a very unhealthy weight and just felt awful. So I started Nutrisystem to help me in the weight area. I've been successful thus far...40 lbs gone already!!! I couldn't be more pleased. But what makes me even happier is that, much to my surprise, I'm still 100% gung-ho. Woohoo! I even allow myself cheat meals. They are not planned, it's just spur of the moment. For example, I'm going out to breakfast with a friend of my son Matts tomorrow morning. It's been several weeks since the last outing so I'm allowing myself to go. And will be back on my plan at next meal.

More later...