Ok, so I've been at my job almost 3 months now. I really like what I'm doing. It may only be a project with a deadline, may be tedious, but I like it. Computer and paperwork are my friend. As long as I don't have to answer phones.....I'm happy. I don't know how long I will be employed at the VA. We were told 2 years...but no one read the fine print of the contract with the temp agency. Apparently we can only be employed for no longer than 240 days. Big difference from 2 years! I really felt that first day on the job that I was supposed to be there. I've been trying to follow the inspiration and guidance of my Heavenly Father. I'm confused as to why I'm supposed to be there since it's just temporary. I need a permanent job badly. I need the security of knowing I have a job. I'm too old to be going from job to job. So Im scared....real scared. Maybe I'm there so that I can get some Minnesota references..I dont know. But none-the-less Im there.
Now, as much as I like my job, it has its downfall. For some reason I am being ostrisized by a few people. The very people I started with. I honestly don't know what happened or what I did to deserve this. Three of us had been going to lunch and breaks together. Then one morning it all changed. I was given excuse after excuse as to why they werent going on break with me that day. Funy thing is, I would never socialize with these girls outside of work. They do not have the same standards I do. Not saying they're bad people, I just don't drink, smoke, cuss, sleep around etc. But as coworkers and as temps we have something in common. I tell myself that it doesnt matter....and it doesnt. But the fact is, even at 50 years of age.....I do have feelings! I dont like the feeling of being left out or being treated like I don't exist (certainly got enough of that in my marriage). It makes me very self conscious. Sooo, then why am I supposed to be there??? What am I to learn??? Am I there for me or maybe to help someone else??? I dont know. I guess I need to start praying for the answer. In the meantime I need to keep looking for another job just in case this one ends sooner than later.
So last night I had an unpleasant experience. One of my good friends had day surgery. She is miserable at the moment. I do understand that. I called her to see how she was doing. Having had some of the same stuff done myself I was giving her some tips on how to make it better. All of a sudden she starts yelling at her mother who was saying something to her in the background. You know, maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didnt. I told my friend to take a deep breath, calm down and not yell at her mother. She said, in an ugly tone, "well she's bugging me." I knew her mother was standing right there and I knew that it had to hurt to have your daughter yelling at you. At least it would hurt me. So I reminded my friend that she was her mother. My friend got mad at me and said she was letting me go because she was a terrible sick person (meaning she was in a bad mood) and was not good company. I told her I was sorry that it was just hard for me to hear someone yell at a parent. And that was the end of the conversation. Should I have kept my mouth shut??? Fact is, this friend has gotten snippy with her mom several times while in the company of others and it really irritates me. Hopefully it will blow over.
I've been dealing with one other obstacle too. Im still having a hard time being alone. Yes I have my family and friends around. Im talking about being ALONE. I want someone in my life. I want the right person in my life. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to be loved back. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I got it wrong the first time. But now being 50...will I have the opportunity to get it right. Some days are harder than others. Some days the walls seem to be caving in on me. I put on a good front to others but inside I feel like I'm dying. I know...hang in there....sigh.....sometimes it just seems too hard.
On a brighter note, Alex is coming to see me for a week at the end of the month. I'm way excited. I'll have to work during the day but we will have the evenings and the weekend to be together. He heads off to Marine Corps boot camp in August. Having both my kids in the military...oye! Im proud of them but I scared.
